13 years, delayed grief

I lost my dad 13 years ago. I started counselling for anxiety but I have been told this probably stems from pathology grief. My dad had cancer but then died from a blood clot. I witnessed him die whilst mum was trying to give him CPR at the age of 14. I just remember blocking everything out good and bad memories and went into 'man if the house mode'. Over the last 2 weeks I have been trying to open up my mind more to memories etc. Today though I just feel anxious, angry and sad. If I take the anxiety away there is this sadness and lost feeling. I suppose I'm just looking for support and to be reminded I am not alone. If you guys can open up then maybe it will help me let all this in.
My best to you all

pathological*

In reply to Jay92

Hi Jay. It's never too late in life for grief to recur. Tens of years after it can happen. I often think of my mother and father, no longer with us, and it often brings back memories and that was 30 years ago. My recent loss of my wife in November last was even worse.
Feeling anxious, angry and sad is not unusual. Anxious about the future maybe. Sad because the memory of the loss comes back so vividly, and angry because the 'why me' may come in. Why can God let this happen? It's the cry of many here and I have no answer. Everything has a cause and a reason. Maybe we are not meant to know yet, but I believe all will eventually be revealed. I do very much believe in a hereafter as I have had so many experiences of people who can see far more than me. I am not a spiritualist, but there's so much more to heaven and earth than we know of. (To paraphrase Shakespeare).
Jay, this will pass. After such a long time it will, but memories will still come. Let them. Take care.

Hello Jay92
My husband died last year and as you would expect I grieved deeply and painfully for that loss, but now, courtesy of a clumsy email I was again pushed back onto the death of my son 20 years ago.
He was one of the NHS misdiagnosed patients, who suffered terribly at their hands for ten months. dropping his weight from twelve and a half stone to five and a half .
Still they continued with treatment that was clearly not helping in anyway and nno matter how hard I tried to change their view, I was unsuccessful until finally I said - if you do not get him a second opinion by Friday ( this was Monday) I have a drafted letter which I will be sending to every newspaper in the country and also to the minister of health.
Well they certainly did move, he was transferred to a general hospital on the Wednesday on the the Friday of that week I was told he had Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, his life was terminal and he was given ten months to live!!!
Add to that my employer the great NHS phoned me three weeks after he died and said that it was impossible to continue as they were with my post empty and would I come back to work.
I am now grieving as if it were he that died last year, I feel a failure, a no good mother, with all my knowledge I could not move those people, only after a threat did they do something ( the consultant I mean), and then it was only to save his own skin and not to do with my son's care.
I am flattened by grief, I don't need to describe how I feel as you are all experiencing the grief ( different yet not different). I find that I feel lonelier among people that I feel on my own. Alone I can do and think as I want, no one can hurt me with their silly and inappropriate comments....
I could not protect him, could not save him from all the appalling care, obviously the NHS were as useless then as they are now, people are still dying from misdiagnoses. Now I hope there are more roads to taking these people to task. When Stephen died very few had computers ( yes, surprisingly only 20 years ago), there was no PALS and it was ( ?as now) very difficult to bring a complaint against a consultant.
I feel for you, sadly you must grieve for that relative of yours even though it was a long time ago and few will understand why you should be grieving, but then most expect us to have 'got over it' anywhere between 3-12 months!!!

Gogs

Thank you for your replies. I'm trying to let it in but it's just this mentally block. I think I fear what's behind the curtain. I know I have to face it but it isn't easy. I'm sorry to hear of everyone's loses of such dear people. I hope there is something beyond for everyone. Honestly I hope that we all find our paths again, whatever it is. I'm harsh on myself, always have been and push my emotions away immediately. Hopefully with people's support and myself I can find answers and accept everything that has happened.

I hope so to for you Jay92. You have to look at that death, and, as you say - 'what's behind it'. My best wishes to you.