Crying out where are you?

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One minute I am fine, typing on the computer then I went across from the office to Richards empty bedroom opposite, layed across his now empty bed, my hands rubbing over his pillows as if hunting for his head, whilst I am crying out..." Richard where are you, where are you, i cant find you."
...Yes I know he has gone ...

Jackie..

Oh Jackie. I'm so sorry to hear your grief. I am sure we all feel your pain. There's not a lot I can say about what you are going through. Words are totally inadequate.
Do you intend moving and is the paperwork getting sorted? It would be burden off you to get everything done.
Take heart. We are still here for you. Hugs.

It is truly truly horrible isnt it. I feel like a bag of tears that over flows when I can hold no more.
I also feel that I am doing something wrong and if I find that right turn I can go back and find him again.
Life can be so hard. That pillow, that chair so empty .

Just thinking how many non stop days have I now cried for...well 15 weeks and 3 days...not one of those days have gone by without me at some point having another cry...

Jackie...

How have you been today ? I have actually managed to get a few things done or at least started. Trying not to think about him or the future just the next step. But at least today was better than yesterday and tomorrow we will wait and see. Be strong for yourself but let the tears flow.x

CE and Jackie,
Anything can set me off and I am in the wave of intense grief for 10mins. Then i stop crying. .... as the wave has gone. I have tissues all the time. .

No change here, still am crying every day..

Dear Jackie, although I have read some of your messages I havent responded as i new many friends on this site where supporting you.

Today you kept coming into my mind and I was wondering how you were coping, have you had any luck selling your home
Have you been able to get someone to help you practically. Help with shopping etc.,
I appreciate you must get terribly frustrated, do you have good medical care for your MS are you able to join the MS group that many areas have started up. Please I would like to hear how things are, message me privately if it helps.
Myself I am a little further on than you and slowly I am beginning to see a break in the dark clouds, I actually found something to laugh out loud at last week, I did feel guilty afterwards but my darling husband knew I had a sense of humour, so he would probably have tutted.

Take care, try and stay strong both physically and mentally.

Sending you lots of love,
God bless
Irene xx

Oh Irene...
...just seen you are from Leighton Buzzard, that has lightened up my eyes, as we-i never lived too far away from there, in a village, and often came over once a month to my bank and the garden centre and pet store on the way home, we- had three dogs back then, the loves of my life...we also came regular to the market..oh such good memories...If it hadn't of been for my MS diagnose four years ago at age 64, we would not have moved, and in hindsight i would have stayed clear of where we-i am now, this parkhome in Dorset..
...As for my MS, thank you for asking but NO, i have no support, that's a long story...one of the worst things i ever done was move to here, bad mistake on my part..
I cant put this parkhome on the market yet, only wish i could, so unfriendly and so isolated, i have MS, no car, only one friend from this parkhome even sets foot near me, no one else bothers...but i have to wait until this solicitor business gets done and dusted with, they too are back in Bedfordshire...
...No dont feel guilty over laughing, as laughing is our best medicine..
...I am doing my best to stay strong as i will make sure i get out of this mess but i do also get so down and cry and wonder if it is worth carrying on...

Jackie......yes may our God bless you too Irene...

Dear Jackie,
Lovely to hear from you. Yes I live in Leighton Buzzard, how you feel about where you live in Dorset is how I feel about living here, I know it is your home county but I so miss the sea. Sunday I went for a long walk in Ashridge forest, so beautiful to hear the birds so soothing. Please tell me of places around here that you enjoyed going with your husband, if of course your memories are not too painful.

We originated from Yorkshire, moved to North Norfolk in 1966 where my maternal rootes were. I now find myself living in LB only 3 mins walk from our son and family who have been absolutely wonderful, here comes the - but - I too feel very isolated, as I dont have the interest in LB, joining groups is a no no. I need to be with people I know as explaining upsets me. LB Parish church hold a bereavement service every month, I did go to one, it was just 35 mins long but really lovely.
My church is 40 mins away, as a family we go to Hendon Salvation Army.

I miss walking on the beach daily in north Norfolk, miss my friends although they have suggested I go back and they will look after me, I could not possibly ask that of them. So I have decided to use my place as a base. I had a friend visit me for a few days, 2 weeks ago, on her way to Devon, driving herself, her husband passed away 3 years ago, that was her first time driving such a long way on her own at 77 yrs old. That evening she rang to say except for hold ups at Bristol everything went well. My challenge in the next few weeks is to follow her example and drive myself to see our other son who lives in Devon. Can I do it, thinking and doing are too different things !! i will see.
Am i strong enough, I will see.
My son took me last week to my, best friends funeral (sounds like a film) in Norwich I now feel I could do that journey into North Norfolk, what I am trying to say is 7 months ago my darling husband passed into Glory, although still incredibly hard , I am beginning to feel positive, not everyday, maybe just 2/3 days in a week but at the moment there is a chink of light. I am expecting a relapse, !!!!
Jackie if by messaging me about your life in Bedfordshire or to ease your situation at the moment living in Dorset, will help in any small way, you may have my email if that helps but please let us see if we can unload your burden. We need to keep your mind focused on returning back to Bedfordshire if that is what you need to do.
You have been through a dreadful ordeal and your MS is certainly a handicap for you, having to give up your best friend what a lovely caring lady you are to put your animal first,
Do you have any interests, knitting, sewing, crosswords, painting I used to do patchwork/quilting and I was an avid reader but at the moment I just knit and crotchet (not very good at all, I may resort to knitting dishcloths) if you do knit, I have a pattern for premature baby hats and tiny jumpers, I knit twiddle muffs for dementia patients (look that up on google) all hospitals will welcome them. I watch hallmark films, not the news or anything that makes me feel sad.

Please do think I am taking your situation lightly, I certainly am not just trying to ease your burden that you have found yourself in.
Sue Ryders forum in my view has been a life saver to so many people.
God Bless, I am sure you know the song with the line:
Take it to the Lord in prayer (What a friend)

Today, look for something to make you smile.
Speak soon
Lots of love
Irene xx

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