Hating December

Its first xmas without my husband and my dad. Today would have been my husband's 60th Birthday. Our birthday's were a week apart, we always had such special christmas's, with birthday treats combined, now I can't wait to get it over with. My family and friends are kind and thoughtful, remembering us both and i've been able to get though xmas with them, but have never felt so lonely. My poor dad also died a week after my husband this March, his birthday 3rd December. I cannot believe it sometimes, my life changing so quickly, dreading putting the key in the door to this quiet house, everywhere his things and memories, and my life is just about getting through the day, trying to fill it with something meaningful. It doesn't matter how many people are in the room, I feel alone. I miss them. It hurts so bad.

In reply to MrsO

Hi MrsO,

I'm so sorry to hear that this was the first xmas without your husband and your dad. It sounds as though this last year has been incredibly difficult for you and to cope with Christmas and birthdays all in the same few weeks must be so hard. You aren't alone here and there are other members who have experienced similar losses and will understand how you feel. Keep talking to us for as long as it helps and don't hesitate to get in touch if there's anything I can do to support you.

With warm wishes,
Eleanor

In reply to MrsO

Hello MrsO,
I lost my dad in August 2017 and my husband in February 2018. Because my husband was so ill at the time of my dad's death, I wasn't really able to take time out to deal with my dad's death. Someone told me that when you lose your husband, you go about finding things to pass the time. I don't think it matters that those things are meaningful. After the initial numbness wore off, this is just what i did - filled my time with just about everything I could find to do. I couldn't settle in my house on my own. I dreaded coming back home, even though I have the dogs for company and i always left the radio on. Now after 10 months, I'm a bit less manic. I've refined the things I do, and can happily spend time at home. I'm at ease with coming home, and no longer leave the radio playing. And I've managed to sort and give away quite a lot of his things. Someone said to me, that I should pack away all the stuff of his that i'm keeping, but I won't do that as I am comforted by their continued presence. My husband always said that he didn't want the house to become his shrine after he had gone but that i should make it my own, and I have begun to do that. A friend told me to make my home comfortable for friends to come and visit, and I am doing this too. I am very lucky that I have managed to begin to move slowly forward so soon after his death. I think the secret is to take as long as you need, doing what you feel you must do - the grief journey is personal to each of us. Love and hugs, Tulabelle x

In reply to MrsO

So sorry for your loss.i had my 1st xmas without my husband this year too after 38 years.he was 57 even when you have family and friends around you still feel alone.you feel you have to act normal when around people and when alone just thinking about him sets me off crying.or looking at a photo.everyone copes differently.and have to adapt to a different life but it is so hard.
Sending my thoughts to you.
Debbie.

In reply to Rainbow 19

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.
I too have just spent my 1st Christmas without John and understand completely how hard to act normal it is as you feel you do not want to spoil it for other people.
However what is normal now when you have lost the person who had been your
rock in marriage for 36 years.
I am sure your husband would not want you to be sad so
lets hope it gets easier and the crying less frequent and that we can genuinely.smile again.
Love to you.
Carol
.

In reply to MrsO

MrsO Hi, this was my first Christmas without my husband. I lost the love of my life in July. So glad Christmas is over. My family were good but It was a case of going through the motions. I too feel so lonely even in company. Phil is the only one I want and I can't have him.
He was 65, had been ill with cancer. We had 7 months from diagnosis.
I know the feeling coming in the empty house, calling him telling him I'm home. I will always do that, i speak to him as I always did. I feel angry a lot of the time, sometimes jealous when I see other couples our age holding hands, we always did that. Then out of nowhere I will get the churning in my stomach and I know the tears will come again, the pain is never ending,
Sandra

Hello Mrs O.
I really feel for you and I'm really sad reading your message ,I know exactly how you feel because I am going through exactly the same thing.
My husband of 36 years of marriage passed away October 2018 I absolutely hated the thought of Christmas with out him, like you say family and friends try to be nice and understanding but for us the hurt and pain is horrendous .
Like you I hate coming home to a home of silence (So much so I am now getting 2 budgies for a bit of noise)
I can't believe how quickly my life has changed so quickly either, it's so unfair.
I had breast cancer myself in 2015 and survived it to lose my husband to Cancer 3 years later.
I can't sit to think to long as I think I will crack up!!!
I always try to have some thing to look forward to which isn't a lot at the moment.
I can only send you love and hugs.I wish we could all have a day together to have lunch to talk to each other and forget for an hour or two about the horrible position we have all been put in.
Lime you all we had plans for the future but now it's a future of uncertainty, loneliness and emptiness where we can only take one day at a time .
I am with you all the way.
❤❤❤

In reply to MrsO

My heart goes out to you. I’m already grieving as I have most likely spent the last Xmas with my husband. We had the devastating news last January out of the blue that he had a brain tumour stage 4. He was given a year to 18months, It’s been an incredibly hard year & am trying my best to be brave for him.
The thought of losing him is bad enough. We are a couple who have always done things together so I know it’ll be incredibly hard.
I hope you’ll find the strength to get through this, you will be in my thoughts.
Funnily enough I’m a Mrs O too.
Love & big hug.

In reply to Welshgal

I can completely identify with you. My wife was diagnosed with glioblastoma stage 4 in June 2014 after surgery to remove the tumour. We assumed that Christmas 2014 would be her last Christmas but it wasn't. She died in August 2018 at home peacefully and pain free.
I know how difficult the journey is for you both and my heart goes out to you.
I regularly read and contributed to the Macmillan forum which has a specific forum for glioblastoma. It helped me greatly in terms of support and what to expect.

Hi MrsO,
So very sorry for your losses.
I’m the same, my first Christmas and New Year alone without my husband of 34 yrs who passed away at the end of February 2018.
I was starting to pick up a little bit until Christmas and New Year came but I feel now as if I’m back in last year a month before he passed away, I was his sole carer.
It feels so ‘ raw’ again and the daunting thought of another year without him.
Thinking of you
Kind Regards