How do we live like this?


It is now a month since my husband Tom died
I have spent every day and night since then trying to ward off feelings of desperate loneliness with activities, speaking to friends on the phone, meeting up for coffee or tea ( any longer is not a good idea as I might start too appear too needy) reading, listening to radio or TV
I’ve been to art and theatre groups, antique markets ( all things I normally love doing) but I can’t fill this hole inside
I buy food I used to love, eat half and throw the rest away
I wake 2/3 times at night and read or distract myself with surfing the net
How on earth can we live like this?!!
My husband’s last illness was bad
He lost all quality of life and at the end I wanted him to slip away peacefully which he did with me at his side
But he’s not here and I miss him so much
I’m having difficulty in remembering “us”
I didn’t think that would happen
I live in a flat which is not large but it feels like a cold and empty barn
Can anyone give me a few tips as to how to go through this?
And are there others out there amongst you who have felt like this and who are feeling a bit better?
I am going to have some counselling But meanwhile is there anyone who can give me a shred of hope that this will get better?
Thanks for reading this and sorry to share such raw feelings

Dear Kay

When I read this post it was like reading a carbon copy of what I am going through.
This desperate need to fill the void and loneliness means acting like a headless chicken and doing anything and everything dashing here there and everywhere.

I know the feeling of not wanting to be needy but the thought of being on your own is worse. I don't recognise this person I've become.

The lack of sleep and surfing, reading and watching tv is so exhausting. I wonder how it will end as surely physically and mentally your body and mind can't sustain the level of stress.

I wish I had some tips for you but I'm afraid I haven't really. My partner died 9 weeks ago and seems like 9 years. All I can say is as you seem so like me I it is better to wake up in the morning with an outing with a friend to look forward to than not. A purpose for leaving the house rather than wandering around and the prospect of a conversation which is a distraction. I have joined a bereavement group which I am going to on Thursday as it helps to be with people going through the same thing. In fact I met the friend I am seeing today at a bereavement group I attended when my mother died 4 years ago.

There are times when you have no alternative and have to be home and then it's hard. You start thinking when you are on your own and it's hard to stop the same things going round and round in your head. The advice about taking things a day at a time is sound but it can go pear shaped when you are alone and thinking. Sunny days evenings and weekends I think makes it a lot harder.

My heart goes out to you Kay. It's a pity we don't live next door to each other! X

In reply to Kay alone

Dear Kay. I am so sorry for your loss. For positivety try reading some other threads such as 'A Positive Thought - with love' or 'Continued Growth'. These are conversations started some weeks ago but well worth reading. They go some way to showing you that your grief won't always be this way.

I lost my husband in June 2017 and my sleep is still very poor but I can cope and I am beginning to accept that this is now my sleep pattern. At the beginning of my grief journey I was a bit manic really, always busy continuing with projects we had both planned. Distraction was a help and I was fearful to slow down. Some 21 months later and I am the opposite whereby I struggle to get motivated and I sit reading, writing or just pondering. Maybe it's just the weather and hopefully once spring truly arrives my mojo will return.

The one thing I do recommend is writing a journal. I write in mine as if chatting to my husband. I don't write every single day, it's not a diary but the comfort I get from it is immense. I'm on my third book now and sometimes I look back over the earlier ones and I can see how far I have travelled.

Take strength and comfort Kay in knowing you are not alone.
Sending love xx

In reply to Topsy

Dear Topsy
We really are going through the same emotions
I read your “night terrors “ post at 5am and sent you a reply
I wish we did live near
It would be so good to talk and meet for a cuppa
I’ve got through today quite well but this flat seems so empty
I’m going for a walk in the park now then when I get back I’ll put the fire on and hope I can get into the Sunday papers
Sunday is a bad day to be alone
Hope you are getting through the day and that you manage some sleep tonight

Hello Kay

Thanks for your reply. I find Sunday an awful day to be alone too but it's good you have been ok so far. We always went out for lunch and a walk. It's so hard.
I saw my friend this afternoon. The weather wasn't nice enough for a walk so we drove to a garden centre for coffee etc. I was ok to a point when I was there but when it came to go I felt desolate. I'm dreading another lonely evening.

I hope you manage to enjoy your walk in the park and the Sunday papers. It's always good to get exercise and fresh air.

I hope we both manage to sleep tonight. If nothing else it makes the day shorter!

I just want to share with everyone that I started video counselling and something seems to have changed

I’m still alone and often very sad but that awful unbearable fear seams to have shifted
I’m still waking up and having to come to terms with another day on my own but the pain is not as severe
I keep busy planning something each day, art class or U3A activity or seeing a film
I see friends and don’t feel the need to rush away to be alone to cry

I’m not saying that I’m feeling happy but some of the desperation has receded
Whether this is because of the counselling beginning, I can’t say but I’d suggest that it’s a good idea to try it
The knowledge that I’ve got another session planned makes me feel better

I still am having to work hard every day to get through and nights can be bad
I’ve also started taking a very mild sleeping tablet if I really need it

I just wanted to share something a little more positive
I’m not sure how long this will last for
I know it can get hard again and I’m still dreading Easter on my own

I hope you are all getting through as best as you can and that somehow life can go on for us without that awful pain


In reply to Kay alone

I am feeling exactly the same as you. 10 weeks since my husbands death. One day not too bad and today is hell. Does anyone live in Orpington, bromley area in kent

Also having a rotten day. Stuck in the house. Usually outdoors all day and this makes life bearable, can't at the moment so totally fed up and upset even more. I feel worse now than when I lost Brian and wonder if I've got to do something drastic for a change to happen. Sorry to be so negative, not usually like this. I try to be so positive and thought I was getting there. A good cry everyday but still kept going. Now ground to a halt. Feeling totally sorry for myself but it's nice to be able to tell people that know what's it's like.

Hi Kay and everyone on this feed. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. The loss of our partners is so personal to us all but we all are going through exactly the same utter sadness and fears. Chris, my amazing husband passed away in October 2018, it's just over 5 months and I miss him so much. He was an amazing father, my best friend and we did everything together. I promised him that I would carry on with our exploits with family and friends. Our 2 lovely children are away at uni so being on my own at home can be really difficult.
I went back to work in December as this gives me a reason to get up and I try my hardest to do things with friends and family. I joined a womens cycling club last March when Chris was newly diagnosed at his insistence. They arrange walks and evenings out as well as cycling events and I get so much support from these very strong ladies many of whom have had their own upsets to deal with. I still cry most days and I think about Chris so much and get angry with the unfairness that he isn't here to share our life but on a positive note I do have some fun and laugh again even if it's for short periods and I know Chris would be laughing at me cycling or doing open water swimming with my club and saying "go miki".
One thing I am struggling with at the moment is with our lovely daughter who is in her last year at uni. She can't get motivated to do her disatation and is very angry with everyone. I wish I was nearer to her but can't seem to offer her any advise that is helpful. I have mentioned counselling but she refuses.
I hope you all have as good a day as you can. Miki x

In reply to Kay alone

Hi Kay. So pleased to hear that things are easing a little for you. It certainly is a huge thing to deal with..... loss .....and not one that comes naturally or that we're prepared for. Every day is a challenge and just to get through each day is a success.
Be kind to yourself and accept that some hours will be the worst and others not so intensely sad
It is ten months since my husband died suddenly and it is only recently that I am starting to see a glimpse of my former self. Still don't want to mingle much and not up to socialising with new people. But close friends and family and counseling helps..... being able to express how you feel just because you need to share this.
Go steady, do as much as you feel comfortable with, accept support and wait with patience for things to evolve positively. Xxx