How to go on alone

My Husband of 43 years passed away 3 weeks ago and i thought i was going to e able to handle his death as I have suffered anticaptory grief for almost 2 years and i thought it would be easier to handle and it seemed to be for the first week or so but now the pain and emptiness i feel is unbearable i miss him so much and just getting through the next hour seems impossible. I am sorry for anything I may have done wrong sorry for each time i asked him to fight back and worse as i left him for a couple of minutes to make a phone call and he died when I was not with him and the overwhelming guilt and love I feel cannot be described to anyone here my world has fell apart and all I want is to go to sleep.

In reply to William

Sending you a big squashy warm hug. You are raw from your ordeal. Just hang in there, baby steps, one hour at a time. Don't expect too much too soon. Keep reading here and posting if you feel you want to. Thinking of you. Xxxxx

Hello William. I'm really sorry to read about what's happened to you. It's obvious how much you are suffering, I really hope that since you posted you have managed to feel a little more settled. Do you get to talk about your husband with others around you? The guilt feelings may well subside in time but if not please don't suffer in silence. Seek out a sympathetic GP at your practice for a chat, even if it means seeing a few till you find the right one. Just finding a kind listening ear can help. There are lots of "listening ears" on this site as well. Sending compassionate thoughts.

In reply to William

I can identify with how you feel. My wife died in August 2018. I had known she was dying for four years as she was diagnosed with incurable brain cancer in 2014 and median survival time of 14 months. I think I was more traumatised when she was diagnosed than when she died. I decided to devote my life to being there for her, to give practical help, support and then care. To catch her when she fell. I was with her as she died.
Nothing I've been through in life had prepared me for how I would feel, despite having four years notice.
Without knowing your circumstances it's difficult to offer advice but for me things have become a little less difficult as I prepare to live forward. I expect to greave for ever but to build a life round it. I take the view that it would be impossible to rebuild the old life so new it must be. Just take it very slowly. Small steps might get longer in time. I'm fortunate in that I have four wonderful kids and seven grandkids. They are a bit like a safety net. I know their mother gave them instructions.

In reply to William

My husband dies 7 weeks ago after being I'll for 3 weeks, the loneliness as you say is awful, family have been very supportive but I find the hours are long of an evening, you must not feel guilty as I am sure you have been there for your husband 24/7. I think it is early days for us so stay strong xx