Loneliness, and the future !


Hi, my wife of 30 years, died on the 3rd December aged 48, nine months after cancer diagnosis. I am 60 years old and we have two children a daughter aged 11 and a son aged 15.
I am finding the loneliness physically painful, so much worse than I ever imagined, not only is my own grief so bad, I have my children in bits without their mum! I miss her every minute and each day passes like I am in a bad dream on auto pilot, I have family and friends but life without my wife seems pretty bleak at the moment. I worry about work, money, my kids, and coping with the crippling loneliness.
I am very capable with all the domestic duties, no problems there, but I am sure people on this site will understand how much you can miss someone's company and touch.

In reply to RayP

I’m sorry for your loss
My wife died 6 months ago she was 51. I’m also struggling with loneliness and at times tremendous sadness that can knock you for six. I survive one day at a time. Keep posting on here it does help.

Hi Ray.
I'm sorry for your loss and sorry to hear of anybody going through the days, months, years of grief. I don't think anything in my life had prepared me for how I would feel despite losing my mother a few months earlier and my aunt since.
It seems like that the feelings of loneliness are exacerbated when we stop to think and we become introspective and insular. Obviously these are all directly related to our grief and it's difficult to shake it off. I've found a kind of solution in that I've joined several different U3A groups most of which encourage discussion and some which meet other creative needs.
As William has said it does help to post on here. It's a different kind of engagement but it can offer some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Hi sorry for your loss. I lost my partner suddenly in May he was only 48 I have 2 sons and I see my family sometimes but as you say the loneliness is horrible. I so miss all the things we did as a couple.
Christine x

Thanks Christine, you've made it through 7 months, that is quite something in my opinion! Friends and family tell me, I am lucky to have my children, and I have to be strong for them, but I don't feel lucky. But the fact that you have got through your grief so far, is an encouragement to me. 99% of the time my children are completely normal as though nothing has happened, they cry occasionally.
But I seem to be much more affected by the loss of a 30 year relationship.

Hi Ray. I lost my lovely husband on 2 November 2018 after a two year battle with cancer. I miss him more than I can say. I was his carer, particularly for the last six months of his life, and it could be hard sometimes, but at least I had structure in my life and a purpose. Now, I am rattling about this house on my own and just lost. I have a 21 year old daughter who lives in Edinburgh and she travels back and forth when she can but she is also hurting and misses her Dad (her best friend) and life just seems so exhausting even although I am not doing much! Nothing can prepare you for what we are all going through, no matter what the circumstances were. I am seriously thinking of going back to work in some sort of capacity in March, so at least I will have something to focus on. This forum is a comforting place to be and we are all grieving together which helps. Thinking of you.

It’s just over 4 months since I lost my 53 year old husband to cancer, a week after his diagnosis. My 20 and 23 year old daughters are still at home and give me a focus for survival. I’m forever lighting candles, turning on the side lamps and trying to cook wholesome meals for them to help ease them through this nightmare. I just want my old life back. I re- read my previous posts from time to time and that helps me see a path of improvement in my grief journey. (A journey, I know, will never end). I will return to work mid February. I recognise that I need to fill my mind with productive thoughts but am anxious about it as it’s like by taking this step forward my husband is taking a further step back. Can others relate to this? Any tips on managing returning to work? Thinking of you all on another grim Sunday without our loved ones. Cx

Hi Ray . I am so sorry for the loss of your wife . It is very recent too so you have done really well to get through Xmas and into the new year in one piece and looking after your children too . I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly in the summer . He was 60 and I am 58 . In the beginning the grief was actually physically painful . It doesn’t hurt so much physically 5 months on but emotionally it is just as bad and I think the longing to just see my husband , be hugged by him , hold his hand and talk to him is getting worse because I know there is no chance of that ever . My youngest daughter was upset last night because she misses her dad . She is 21 and training to be a mental health nurse . We both ended up hugging each other and trying to console each other but nothing really helps when you just want the person who has gone . I don’t have an easy answer . I am busy most days with running the house, a business , I have grown up children and an elderly mum to look after and horses and dogs to see to but once I sit down at the end of a busy day it’s my husband I still want and miss . We were married 33 years and together for 42 since we were teenagers. Make the most of any support you have from friends and family . Post on here because people on this forum have been incredibly supportive when I have been struggling . It’s been like my secret weapon against grief to help me get through my days . I’m sure this post is not really much help to you other than to let you know on here that we all understand how lonely and painful it is after losing our other halves . Sending a hug and some understanding . Romy x

Hi Cristal, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. The shock must have been awful, such a short time from diagnosis. My son died 26 wks ago today in an accident and my world changed. In relation to your question about work, I understand completely what you mean. I fought a battle in my head for quite a while as I thought going back to work meant I had accepted and got over my son's death when nothing could be further from the truth. Eventually I had to be realistic and go back for financial reasons. It has given me a focus and it forces me to think of something else for a few hours. But it's tiring too. I tell myself it's something that I had no choice in doing, there is no enjoyment in it and therefore doesn't diminish what happened. I wish you strength, it's an awful journey we have been forced to take....x

I think we can all take some vicarious benefit from reading posts whoever they were intended for. It can be a comfort, it can be an inspiration or it can just simply be informative. Bit by bit I've become an avid reader of this forum and I value it greatly.