Need help to move forward...

Not having a good morning start this morning...Been on the phone to the " SilverLine " charity, just talked and cried...I am on a downer, " is this as good as it gets? " Yes i got taken yesterday evening to the Disable Society bingo, and yes I will be collected by car to be taken this evening to my MS Society, apart from the lady with dog coming in to give our tonight's talk there will be our annual fish and chip supper, nothing grand just eating from the box...Only this time my Richard wont be sitting down with me whilst enjoying it..I have already gone into Richards bedroom telling him it is our fish and chip supper tonight and I wont forget to take my fork in...
I do so want to move forwards but with living off the beaten track down hear in this very scenic yet so isolated and unfriendly neighbours park=home, with no car, nor miles from transport, I cant do the things many of our other Sue Ryder members are doing such as...going to their allotment - taking their dog for a walk - sitting in their local park...Oh I would love to get out their and just walk amongst the trees an birds but with my PP-MS getting in the way, even using a mobility scooter we-I live on a steep slope..I want so much to join new hobbies, eve thought of the U3A groups but again without a car and the varying distances, even that is a no no...Yes I do have my MS Social monthly gathering, and I do have my fortnightly Disable Society bingo but I also want to steer away from my MS disability groups and be amongst " normal " able bodied people in a face to face situation...
I want my Richard to be at peace - to rest in peace, without having to worry over me, but instead I am giving him my day to days woes..
I just wish he was with me so for once I could look after me, same as the last 4 years, he had looked after me since my PP-MS diagnoses at age 64..I will always remember the date of 11th April, the date of my MS diagnoses, one of our dogs passed away, and Richard past away all on this same date..

Jackie..

Meant to have said " I just wish he was with me so for once I could look after him ( Richard ) same way he had been caring and looking after me for the past 4 years...this should be our time for a bit of role swapping...

Jackie...

Jackie my love, you are a very brave person and I have sent you private messages and hope you have got them.
Everything seems so problematic at the moment and I am further down the line to you and can get out if I want to. I also live near to shops and transport. So can't imagine what you are going through. Idyllic it may be but unfortunately not ideal for you.
I am certain with your attitude you will find a way to pick up the pieces of your life and make good use of it as well as making Richard proud.
I think you know for yourself what one of the first things you have to think about.
Take care Pat xxx

Patti..
...yes, time to put ME first...i need to stay strong, I need to stay focused... i hope that the day comes when I stand ( if I manage to stand and keep my balance ) in=front of Richards place of ashes scattered in the crematotium back home, I hope this day will come before my time is up to go pay my respects and tell Richard I am back, or back so far, and that I am doing ok so I can tell him he doesn't need to worry about me anymore...

Jackie...

O Jackie I just love your brave approach. I know that you are hurting so much but you are trying to focus on something that you intend to do for Richard. I am in awe of you. You have had to cope with so much the last year or so but still pushing forward.
I have found that I don't try to move forward I am awaiting a life to find me. It will come one day. Just take your time, think things out and where you want to go and then focus on that. I presume you have to await for a solicitor to complete things. It didn't take long for me to get a letter confirming that the house is now in my sole name. Then I knew I could start making what plans I wanted.
You take care. Pat xxx

Dear Jackie , I am new to this "set up" so will write here simply because I noticed the date you mentioned. My wife died on 11th April 2017. She was in the Hospice just one night. Luckily my daughter and I got there an hour before she died. She was in agony. My daughter imagined wheeling her Mum around the gardens in the week before she would pass away. I hate Cancer, it takes people who would possibly be "mended" of other illnesses. My wife almost reached 79 years old and we were married 57 years. So after 2 years and 2 months I am still lost and very sad. The most reassuring words I heard was from a long lost friend who said "it never goes away". Well, that is right, I could easily cry every day. Right now I know her bed is empty, I do talk a lot to her but there is no answer. If there were ever a powerful couple who could communicate across the words it would be us but there is nothing, I have oodles of lady friends , quite a few say there is no sign of a life here after. Did I do right by going for Cremation? I have nowhere to go to where her body could be.I keep trying to see my wife in districts where she would have walked, like a Hologram created by my eyes and brain but there is no person, just wishful thinking. Good luck to yourself Jackie, I wish you well in the coming months. Edbunion. x

Edbunion...
...sadly we will find another half dozen or so who also lost their beloveds around the same time as we did give or take a few days apart...Yes as I have mentioned in previous posts, " 11th April" for me will be a date I shan't be forgetting, all for the wrong reasons...11th April 4 years ago I was given my PP-MS diagnosis, 11th April 10 years ago I lost the first of our 3 dogs, 11th April was the morning i found to my horror Richard had passed away sitting in his armchair after returning from taking our-his dog to the pet groomers with the intention of soon driving the 20-39 minute to collect him...
Oh yes I too hate cancer, i lost both parents to it, my mother we were told by her doctor on the morning he came to our home 1977 to tell myself and father " sorry to have to tell you but mother-your wife, has less than a week to go, mother passed away at home three days later, the day that Macmillan nurses came round to say they had a bed for her, too late...my father passed away with cancer 10-11 years later, as for my three fur babies, my gorgeous dogs, all three went to cancer...
Your friend is right " it never goes away." I do cry everyday, sometimes the once others more than the once..Oh yes. the talking to our partner our loved one..I am sure they are listening to us and I hope and pray will still be helping us, I am sure my Richard is still doing so, it was his sole mission while he was here, I know he would continue doing so...
Ed you ask " did you do right " cremation? if this was your beloved wife's wishes, yes you did right..My Richards ashes by now should have reached home, his home back in Bedfordshire at his family crematorium this is what he would have wanted although having moved here to Dorset just three years ago, because of giving up out house with stairs and a bath due to my late MS diagnoses at age 64 4 years ago, Richard would not of cared whether his ashes stayed here or went home but, I had made this promise to him that i f he goes first I would want his ashes to be with his parents and brother, of course I was expecting ME to go first, not him...
The hardest part in all this is we know we are not around forever but when this day comes it hits us like a rock, doesn't it...As my late father often would say..." expect the unexpected.."

Jackie.....look after yourself Ed..and do keep talking to your lady wife, as I will not stop talking to my Richard, I dont even care if I drive him mad...