Resentment

My mum became ill in 2014 and she needed support for the simplest of things ongoing. The last 5 years I've been the one caring for her, my whole life revolved around putting her needs first while my siblings carried on with their lives with days, weeks or even months between calls or visits. They would come running if mum needed anything but she never felt she could call them to say can you come and fill up my teabags or do the washing up etc so that she could give me a break.
I've had various arguments with my siblings over the years but then mum would get ill and I would call and bury the hatchet as they have as much right to our mum as I do. Then in December mum died suddenly. Both my siblings were involved in the funeral arrangements but I've done all the admin stuff since mum died. They've both expressed their gratitude for everything I've done and they say they want to help me but I find it hard to talk about my grief with them. I've always said she was our mum no matter what and I believe that they have a much right to her things, memories etc as I do but I'm missing MY mum. The bond we had that they didn't. Caring for someone you love leads to an intimacy, understanding and trust and I feel a level of interdependency. It was hard work, I resented it sometimes when I was exhausted and had my battles with anxiety but it was also funny, interesting, rewarding. I could talk to my mum like no one else, I could just BE with her. When I felt like I do now she was my rock and she's the one person I feel could help me with this grief.
I don't feel like I can fully open up to my family as I suppose deep down I feel like the last 5 tears could've been easier for me if they had helped more. I feel like for the last 5 years I've sacrificed things, I've been permanently exhausted, I've felt on call 24/7 and mum being gone means I don't feel like that anymore which in a way is a relief but I feel guilt for feeling like that. They could've helped more. They tell me they want to help me and they know how I feel, they don't know what to do with themselves on a Sunday afternoon. I don't know what to do with myself 20 times a day. I used to see her best friend nearly every day too, we're close but I feel I'm losing her too because I feel I need to hide my grief from her for the sake of her health.
I think talking through things with someone unrelated may help so I'm giving it a try this week but do other people feel like this?

Hi sorry for the loss of your mum, I too lost my mum Jan 17 and my dad Feb 2017. I was their main carer for over 4 years - despite having 4 siblings!! I totally understand how you have felt, I've experienced all the similar feelings you have mentioned- exhausted, resentment arisen from both myself and my own children, cus I was always busy at Nan's. I have missed out on friendship gatherings because something cropped up with my late parents and had to be dealt with. My mum was suffering from Dimentia and relied on me 24/7. I always had a really strong bond with my mum, both before her illness and after her diagnosis, I feel my bond was much stronger than my siblings. I'm sure your bond with your mum was the same and it's something you will treasure as you move forward. I felt like whilst I was doing everything for both my parents, my siblings were quite happy for me to do so. I ended up gathering them together and explaining just how difficult things had become for me, they agreed to help, however it didn't last - a couple of them always had excuses to not turn up as expected. I guess one thing we can both say is there is no guilt on our behalf, which is definitely something some of our siblings should or will be feeling. Likewise I miss my mum every minute of every day, I feel lost and almost redundant ( I don't work and haven't for a long while), it's also difficult to rekindle old friendships etc. when you've been out the scene for a while. Be proud of what you have done for your mum, I am trying to think that way, because I know my mum appreciated absolutely everything that I did for both her and my dad and I'm sure your mum would of as well.
Take care x

In reply to sand29

Hi sand29
I lost my mum last May and had not only been her carer and go to daughter, but also for my 2 brothers who were also ill. I had another brother that doesn't live nearby but could most definitely have helped more. Over the years I would make excuses for him wen people would ask is your brother helping, as I had him on a pedestal for many years, as he was older and had done well professionally, but as the years went by and life got considerably harder juggling caring, with my children and work my resentment started to build as I was getting very little help from him, which I desperately needed, not just physically but I needed the emotional support too.
By the time my Mum finally passed away I could barely speak to him, and I.m afraid to say that's still how we are to this day, and I haven't seen him since Mum's funeral last year.
Unfortunately I still feel extremely hurt and used by my brother and thought by now he would have apologised for his lack of support but clearly he feels different. It's especially sad as we are the only siblings left and both Mum and Dad are gone.
Grief has to be the most intense feeling I have ever had and has opened up so many other emotions in me I can't tell you.
I supposed all we can do is try to give it time and hope that one day we'll feel better, knowing that we WERE there for our family when they needed us, and have nothing to feel guilty about. I certainly don't and nor should you about how you feel. Mixed emotions at this stage in our lives are normal, so I.m told, and so we just need to ride them out.
Let's hope tomorrow is a better day than today. Take care x