Rollercoaster

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Hi all, ive not been on for a while i was doing well, but these last couple of weeks have been so hard, i lost my hubby last December, but everything about that day is coming back again,i havnt been sleeping or eating right again, how many more of you get these feelings, that seem to come back out of the blue, i keep getting photos out, then the next day im putting them back again, i have his ashes split up into 3 different places about the room, and 1 at the side of the bed ,would it be better if i just had 1 out ,any advice would be helpful please.,

Hi im so sorry to hear about your loss it's utterly devastating it's six months and three weeks on Wednesday since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes im sorry to hear your struggling me too every day is getting worse as to the ashes it's personal choice of how you feel I've kept some for jewellery buried some in the garden where we loved to sit and talk for hours laugh have fun breaks my heart so I scattered some in a spot in the garden and some at sea he loved to swim the rest I still want to keep as want to be sure and can't bear to part with them although he in my head and heart night and day it's unbearable the pain all I want is my soulmate back in my arms I hope tomorrow is kinder to you take care as much as possible in my thoughts Adele x

Hello

My husband died 4 weeks today. I am having his ashes today. I am going to buy a rose Bush and put some of his ashes around the rose bush. He said he wanted a white rose. Some more of his ashes I am taking them on our favourite country walk and discreetly putting some there.
I am still in shock of my husband passing away even though we knew it was going to happen. The Macmillan nurse told us it will be weeks not months that he had left. He got diagnosed in August of rectal cancer which had spread to his liver and lungs. The last few months was dreadful and especially the last week still haunts me. I feel so lost without him it feels so strange in the house without him.
I am trying to go out as much as I can because at first I didn't feel like going anywhere. This time last year we was looking forward to a holiday in June to Northumbria. When I see our happy photos I think good job I did not know what was going to happen. Although I now know my husband was hiding all the symptoms of bowel cancer from me. He only went to the doctor when it was too late. I just feel so sad and numb.

Anne

Hi I am so sorry for your horrendous loss it's utterly heartbreaking it's six months and three weeks on Wednesday coming since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes that rose bush sounds beautiful and to spread his ashes over and places you liked to be out every day is getting worse the anxiety is overwhelming all our future mapped out dreams and hopes to grow old together everything so cruelly and tragically ripped away no words can describe the pain and anguish your in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

Hi there Join the rollercoaster club. My husband died in November and I thought I was doing O.K. I kept busy sorting through his things, decorating and numerous other things. Then about three months on I hit rock bottom and went into a depression. Felt terrible, thought I was having heart attacks. Tried to get counselling, thought that might make some sense of it all, but nothing on offer. Now I have reasonable days when I am suitably satisfied with myself then all of a sudden another melt down, might last a day or just an few moments. I had his ashes put with his grandparents and he is a short walk away so I visit often. More ashes are in a small urn at home. I was supposed to scatter them but can't bear to let him go. I have a locket also with some ashes but won't wear it in case I lose it, so it is kept in a small box by the side of the bed and sometimes I wear it at night. I have photographs of him all around the house. He is fit and well and that is how I want to remember him, not how the cruel C destroyed him. So you see we are all in that club of grief and I am still trying to find my way out. Someday's I feel an improvement, then cruelly forced back down that blackhole of despair again, fortunately those days are, I think, becoming less often. I keep a log of them so that I can keep check on my progress. If I have a bad day I don't fight it, I accept it is a day/moment to grieve. I ask Brian to help me which gives me comfort. Sometimes though I have a good moan at him and tell him it's his fault I'm like this. He would only laugh. Good luck Pat xxx

In my thoughts and prayers Pat speak soon I hope the gym goes well and today is kinder to you and all Adele x

Hi again, missed out the bit about everything keeps coming back. It does and hit's hard. Sometimes I feel it must be a punishment for something that I have done in my past. Watching Brian die was horrendous especially that last few days. He was so confused and I wonder what, if anything, was going through his mind. I wonder if I said and did the right things to bring him some form of comfort. Did I look after him well enough. So many, what if's !!!!!!! If only I could ask him. I keep telling him when I visit him how sorry I am if I didn't do things right.
Please look after yourself and eat right. I am a healthy eater and keen on exercise yet I forgot everything. I began living on sweets, chocolate, cakes, fizzy pop (never drink the stuff usually). This is what caused the heart scare I am sure. I immediately stopped all this rubbish and got myself back on track again with fruit, veg. We grow our own organic veg so there was no excuse for my lack of good diet. So please take care of yourself because grieving and feeling unwell is not a good combination. Pat xxx

In reply to Pattidot

Thank-you,im sorry for your loss too,i have good days /weeks, then it all comes flooding back, sometimes i talk to the ashes and ask ,why did you have to put me through this, i know we are all going through bad times, just wish it would get a bit easier,take care x.

Thank-you to everyone who replied to my post, i know its hard for all of us, but i hate being like this again, its so hard sitting and living alone ,as a few more of you know, but i will try and take 1 day at a time again,,, sending you all a big friendly hug,,, take care xx

You too take care as much as possible here's your another long lonely silent night full of sorrow and disbelief Adele x

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