Total sadness again


I thought last week I was coping better and accepting my future was what it was. But today I just want him back . I cannot see what the point is in doing anything . My family have been good but they cannot be my Ed. Friends keep in touch but they will never understand how my life has ended without the one man who made me laugh smile and gave me a reason to live. I see other people having a great time doing things with each other and their family and friends and feel jealous. It’s so unfair. Why me? Why take my lovely Ed ? He was robbed of so much. He loved being with people and helping them. Not a bad bone in his body. When he came into my life 10 years ago he saved me from a terrible time I was going through and made me see that life could be so good. My guardian angel. Now I am just going through the motions to please family and friends when all I really want is to be with him. If I get a serious illness I will not go to hospital for treatment as I will hope that I can be with Ed sooner. I’m sorry I’m not saying anything positive to help anyone here today . I just wanted to feel I was talking to someone by telling them how I feel. How can this ever get better ??

In reply to Lizzed

Hello Lizzed,

I can't see the point in doing anything either, and I don't

Quote, "If I get a serious illness I will not go to hospital for treatment"

A woman after my own heart, I won't tell anybody exactly what but that's just a mere drop compared to what I do. My life is meaningless.

In reply to Lizzed

A lot of us think we're getting somewhere then suddenly feel like we're back to square one. Nobody will ever replace your Ed and i'm sure you wouldn't want them too. No one understands neither unless they have been through it. To be fair I didn't understand. I did used to think how horrible it must be if anyone at work lost their husband or wife, thinking how horrible to go home and they're no longer there. My Alan loved life and he to didn't have a bad bone in his body. He too also saved me from a terrible violent relationship and we had 38 years together as partners and known him for about 43. I feel as you do about wanting to be with him asap. Starved myself for a couple of days but unfortunately it takes longer than that. Hope your days start to improve but don't worry about what you say and how you feel. It is as it is. Take care. x

Well the 3 posts above all say how I think and feel .as well.
What I can't bear is how completely alone I feel. I'm not lonely but so alone without that one person to turn to who knows me so well.
Friends and family want to help but they have their own lives and problems.
My life has no meaning now, no companionship, no love ot support, just day after day of nothing.
We expected to have 20 years of hard earned retirement together. Now I hate how our lives have ended with me alone wishing the days away as quickly as possible.
There are a lot of good, kind people on this site and one who has been especially supportive to me.
None of us deserved this suffering
nor did our loved ones.
Wishing everyone a little peace. Jx

Hi All
I understand exactly how you feel. I am so very sad. Just had my Birthday first one without my darling. He always had a BBQ for me with all our family this year our eldest son hosted it in his home I really enjoyed being altogether & they all spoilt me very much but of course my darling wasn't with us which was so heartbreaking for us all. I agree if I ever got a serious illness I wouldn't have any treatment there really would be no point & if there was no cure no point. My husband knew he couldn't be cured but he had the chemo but he had a stroke & although he could still speak it definitely affected his brain as he was never the same again. I was kind of relieved in a way when he passed away cos I didn't want him to be in pain & he was terribly upset that he couldn't help me & & could hardly walk but I do so miss him. He like your husbands was so kind funny happy loving & gentle .Why did it have to happen. We were married for 37 years but knew each other for nearly 50 years.
I tried to kid myself that I had turned a corner & I was coping but I am really not it seems to be worse now in a different way I think it is beginning to be real now I think we are living in some kind of nightmare for the first few months but now it's been 6 months my heart is breaking I miss him sooooo much.
Apologies for my outburst but I just had to tell someone who understands.
Thinking of you all

Hello everyone
I am feeling exactly like all of you, it’s 26 weeks since he went,thought I was doing better but everything seems so bleak and colourless without him.We were together 43 years ,more than half my lifetime,and that’s just what I feel ,half a person without him
We never gave a thought to either of us dying,we were just happy , perhaps we should have done
Love to all

I know what you mean about thinking we would never die. My husband was told that he would live to 86 & in our nativity we truly believed it silly I know but it made us confident that we would have a very long life together.
Thinking of you all xx

I really feel your pain. The days are just meaningless and for a brief moment when i am around others I can switch off but as soon as I leave everyone, that terrible alone feeling kicks in. I miss him so much and just want to hear his voice, have a laugh, walk the dog together, do NORMAL but that will never be again. I have counselling and a few weeks back I started to feel a bit better, but I have gone backwards. I cannot be bothered doing anything at home, I have a new house as I have moved back home to be near to my family, which I love, but nothing is the same. I would give up everything that I have and live in a cardboard box to have Martin back. Unless you have been there you cannot understand. Everyone is kind but their lives go on as does everyones around you. I find myself looking at OLD couples and wanting to say "you are so lucky". We were married for 30 years, we couldnt have children and I so wish we had been able, because I would still have something of Martin left, I know it is still not the same but it would be something. Everyday and night is meaningless I just cannot be bothered with anything.My sister listens and understands but knows she cannot really understand how I feel. She is a nurse and sees the suffering that people go through. She says she often finds herself on her way from the hospital in the car, thinking of Martin and how much he is missed and sheds a tear for him and me. She tells me that there isnt a day goes by that they as a family dont think of Martin and normally talk about him. My brothers were at the Open at weekend and said how much Martin would have loved it and he would, they raised a glass to him, so I know they were thinking of him. Deep breaths again today and just battle on.

I feel exactly the same I can't get over this emptiness I feel and such deep sadness we were together for 26 years and he was my rock. I feel so helpless without him and really worried about everything. I don't want to do anything just sit drinking tea thinking of my bleak future and worrying about all the responsibility I now have. My son worries about me and I don't want him to keep worrying about me, he is also coming to terms with losing his dad his best mate. It's awful. Friends and family have been very good but do not really understand that I just want to be with my other half. Let's just hope that life will get better for all of us in some way. Much love to everyone

Another day of wishing time away. I have to do what duties are expected of me but inside I am begging for Ed to give me a sign that he is still with me. I know he cannot come back. There is no such things as miracles. During the 5 short months he was ill I prayed every night for a miracle and every day he got more bad news and got worse. Thank you all for answering my previous post and I feel so sorry for all of us suffering this cruel sadness. I don’t know if we will feel different in time as I don’t want to be here that long to know. Just killing time till I am either with Ed or if that is not what happens then at least I will be free of living with sadness.