Unexpected Loss

Hi,

I am new here.

I lost my mum at the beginning of December, she was only 54. She was at an advanced stage of multiple sclerosis and went to A&E with shortness of breath, and she never came home. Her death wasn't expected, even though she had MS, she usually kept reasonably well.

My mum was my best friend and I cared for her a lot throughout her life. It still doesn't feel like she has gone and I still expect phone calls from her. I feel angry at the hospital - did they do enough? There are a few things that I am not happy with in regards to her treatment and I have made a complaint.

It's a very surreal situation and some days I am fine but other days I feel sad and bitter about things; when people tell me they know how I feel because their mum died at the age of 80, or my friends are moaning about petty things like their love life etc and even against my partner because he still has his parents.

I just need to rant.

Thank you for reading x

You rant away. It's what you can do on this site because we do understand. I am so very sorry about the loss of your mum. 54 is such a young age to die. Of course you miss her. I lost my mum 6 years ago, she was 85 and as you insinuate, it is more acceptable in old age. However, I still miss her very much.

I lost my husband 18 months ago. You mention how bitter you feel at your partner because he still has his parents, well that I can relate to. I feel so jealous when I see couples out together, even with close friends, when they talk about their husbands I find myself feeling very envious and yes, bitter towards them. Not rational of course, but then grief isn't rational.

Your feelings and emotions are perfectly understandable even to the point of looking for blame and if there were errors made then the hospital must be answerable. After my husband passed from a sudden cardiac arrest, a very fit and healthy man up until that point, I needed to find some understanding of what the hell happened. I arranged, through PaLS to see a hospital consultant to talk it through and find answers. It was an enormous help and I would urge you to do the same.

In the meantime you may find it comforting to write to your mum. I write a journal to my husband telling him about every day stuff, how much I love and miss him. It's like I'm chatting to him and I find myself looking forward to writing, particularly when I've had a bad day. It really does help.

I also hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that there are many of us on this site who truly do understand.

Sending love xx

In reply to Crazy Kate

Thank you so much for your reply.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and husband. I suppose you just never expect it to happen, even though it happens to all of us at some point.

My mum was in and out of hospital a lot but always overcome infections and came home - I suppose I thought it would happen this time too. It was the worst time of my life - seeing my mum deteriorate day by day to unconsciousness and see her take her last breath. 8 days from being admitted with shortness of breath to dying. I just can't accept it.

I do think discussing her care and the decisions that were made with the consultants and doctors that treated her would maybe give me some clarity. I can't help but think maybe her death was unavoidable.

I feel selfish for feeling bitter. It's not a nice feeling, and I don't want to take things out on my nearest and dearest. I suppose there is no right or wrong way to feel when you are greiving. I don't feel like it has even fully hit me yet. I spent a good week or so after her death completely numb and unable to cry.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply xx

I am so sad for you and such a shock. I don’t know how to help you other than to understand the pain you are experiencing

Hi, I also feel bitter if lost years without my husband. Without his MND he was really healthy. He had hobbies, racing pigeons, sporty motorbike, sports car and it's all gone.
I also feel angry with the hospital, I fought for treatments for my husband for 4 weeks. He died of Respiratory Failure although that's not why he went into hospital for. He acquired hospital Pneumonia and Sepsis whilst in that place.
It doesn't seem real to me either, his belongings are here, his bike and car still on the drive.
I miss him so much, like you miss your mum.
I feel jealous of couples holding hands, I feel angry at men in their 80's puffing away.
It's goddam hard waking up alone.
Do you have photo's/video's of your mum to look at?

In reply to MrsP

I am so sorry to hear about your husband. MND is such a debilitating disease. How long had he been diagnosed before passing away?

It all still feels very surreal, even though it was over 5 weeks ago. I can't explain how I feel, I don't seem to have any feelings. Then when people say to me they would be bedbound/a mess etc if they lost their mum, I question myself if I am dealing with this properly. Should I be a grieving mess? Sometimes I can't cry. Other times a wave of panic comes over me about what has happened. I'm not trying to bury my feelings, I'm not that kind of person. I think it's a case of it'll take a long time before it truly sinks in. That my lovely mum and best friend isn't here anymore to speak to x

Hiya, It was such a hard time looking after my husband with his MND. It was all noticable in Jan but we've recently found video's of my husband having a lisp around Nov. What I missed about my husband was talking to him. He ceased to talk in Aug this year which depressed him greatly. His mobilty got worse until he couldn't walk in Nov, we also found out his bowels stopped working hence the hospital admission on 6th Nov. Whilst he was in the hospital it was found he had hospital acquired pneumonia and Sepsis. My poor darling suffered, he wanted to come home but I couldn't look after him with pneumonia etc. It was all downhill from 6th Nov to be truthfully and he never came out of that hospital. I'm not sure how or why he contracted pneumonia and sepsis but I swear to God he didn't have any problems with his breathing before he was admitted for a bowel blockage. It makes me so angry!!!
What can I do though? It hurts to think back as it's all so recent.
On a good note, the hospital's bereavment side has been fantastic with help and support.

My husband was diagnosed 3rd Oct and passed away 5th Dec.

Some people grieve differently as you're wondering about your own grieving. It's not unusual in any way.
I cry, sob, feel sad, eat a lot, feel soooo lonely. My 3 kids are all grieving differently.

I speak to my husband everyday, I kiss his photo morning and night. I'm also having a pillow with hubby's gorgeous face printed on it so I can take him to bed with me.

You might be a stronger person that what you thought you was concerning your grieving.

Hope you're ok today xxxxx

In reply to MrsP

Ohh I am so sorry to hear that, how awful for you all.

It feels wrong doesn't it, that they go in to hospital to get better but they don't come home. Have you raised your concerns to the hospital? Did you feel his treatment was as much as they could do?

I always found my mum deteriorated during her hospital stays, a lot of general hospitals don't have the resources, time, and dare I say knowledge, to care for complex neurological conditions. I question if my mum was 'wrote off' because of her advanced stage of MS. At the age of 54, she wasn't considered a suitable candidate for ITU and had a DNAR. I know she wouldn't have wanted any of these interventions anyway but I suppose when we are grieving, we think about the things that could have been done. I have raised issues with the hospital she was treated in and we are planning to have a meeting, so I can get clarity. I was fiercely protective over my mum; I cared for her for a long time. I fought her battles for her because she couldn't. I have a conflict of emotions because I know that she is now free from the life she hates and resented so much, but yet she is still my mum who I love dearly and I want her to be here. I find it hard to accept that days before she went in to hospital, she seemed her normal self, albeit a little off, and had a rapid decline once admitted to hospital.

How old was your husband if you don't mind me asking?

I have been ok today thank you. I have two little ones who keep me busy! Hope you are ok xx