Mum is dying

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Hi, I can’t believe im now actually using this forum but hoping to gain some strength from it. Mum was given two years in Jan 2016 with kidney failure and here we are a few weeks away from Jan 2018 and she’s fading fast. My heart is broken already and I just do not know what to do to cope. She’s the most amazing person I know but recently said she felt she was letting me down by not having dialysis. Dialysis wasn’t an option due to other health issues so she’s made the most brave desicion ever and one I fully respect having heard the options as if she’d have tried it then she wouldn’t have been here now. To see her today at the hospital has been the most difficult day of my life as I realised that I ‘lost my mum’ today mentally. She’s fought for so long but the detirioration in the last 48hrs has been immense. She’s gone from walking to being bed bound and is drifting in & out of sleep but twitching violently.when she couldn’t stand up she broke down and it was terrible. Sorry to ramble on but how do I cope? I really don’t know what to do other than be with her. I’ve been sitting with her and at one point she woke up and saw me and gave me the most lovely smile ever. Will treasure that for ever. I can’t see life beyond this I really can’t. She’s getting a syringe drive with painkillers and anti sickness but will also sedate her which will be better for her to be less aware of what’s happening. I feel so terrible writing this but she does not deserve this at all. If anyone has any advice or is going through the same let me know. Thank you

In reply to Lucy999

Hi Lucy,

Sorry to hear that your mum is deteriorating so fast, it sounds as though that is incredibly hard for you to see. You are doing do much for her just by being there with her and I'm sure it means a lot to her. The staff at our hospices say that often someone can still hear you even after they can no longer communicate, so keep talking to her. You may also find it useful to read our information page What can I do to help when someone is close to death?

This site is a safe space for you to write about what you are feeling, and I hope it helps a little to get things off your chest here.

If you need any information or a supportive person to talk to one-on-one, Marie Curie also have a helpline on 0800 090 2309.

Thinking of you.

Priscilla
Community Manager

When I sat with my dad when he was dying I just talked to him about what time of day it was what the weather was like and played him our favourite songs. That gave me some peace. Talk to the hospice staff, the staff at my dads hospice in Leicester were good at listening to how I was feeling. I told him I loved him and although it was heartbreaking I told him if he’s ready to go don’t suffer any longer and let go. I lost my dad two months ago and I am so glad I had that time with him. The hardest thing is watching them die you feel like you won’t be able to cope within them. I certainly didn’t. I have had grief counselling through work and through Cruse which has really helped.

In reply to Lucy999

Dear Lucy,
My heart breaks for you but try to be brave and stay strong. Your mum needs you now more than ever.
My mum passed away in August from kidney failure - she was 96 and had a good long life. The final weeks were tough. Mum could not have dialysis either so maybe a similar situation.
Spend as much time with her as you can. Talk to her and tell her all about your day. Tell her how much you love her. I look back now and although I am still in pieces I do draw some comfort from having made the effort to just sit with her.
Ask family to help you and take a turn if they can. Try to keep busy.
I am sorry that I cannot take your pain away but you will get through it. Look after yourself too as Mum will need you more and more.

Take care - sending much love,

Caroline

Hi Lucy

So sorry and sad for you reading your post. I agree with others, just sitting with your Mum and chatting. Even if she cannot make out exactly what you are saying she may well be aware of a familiar voice. Physical contact, even if you are not a very tactile person, is also good. I sat and stroked Mum’s hair sometimes, Always kissed her goodnight and told her how much I loved her. I don’t know what I talked to her about, just nonsense probably.

My Mum passed away last year and I had the same, the drifting in and out of consciousness and the twitching. Mum had a syringe driver for the last bit which I hope gave her relief from the pain she was in. I found the last few days passed like a dream, just sitting with her knowing what was to come. It is very hard so take all the help that is offered to you.

Try and rest and sleep when you can, you will need all your strength in the next few weeks.

Mel
Xx

Hello Lucy
I felt moved by your sadness about your mum. It's12 years since my own mum died after an illness lasting 2 years. The feeling of devastation will diminish as you take strength from your mum's abiding love for you. I remember my mum telling me that I was a strong person to help me cope although I did not feel it at the time. I think of my mum every day and still draw strength from her wisdom and love. You will always feel your mum's presence throughout your life. God bless.

Thank you all so much, Mum passed away on Tuesday and I can really relate to what you’ve all written. This time last week even though she’d had a mini stroke too she still kissed me goodbye and I’ll treasure that forever. So pleased to hear how many of you feel more peaceful about having spent you last hours with your mums. I managed to spend the last week pretty much with her 10-8 daily and then I got to spend her final 24hrs with her hand in hand talking to her apart from when I slept on a deck chair to be the same height as her so I could sleep by her side. Only got 4 hrs sleep and then the final moments came and they were traumatic as things happened to her that I didn’t know about so I became quite hysterical. I’ve never seen a dead body before so for me that too was quite disturbing but I did it and I’m proud I could be there for her in that way. I’ve not had quite the reaction I thought I would but I honestly feel I’ve done so much grieving in the run up to this that I’m cried out. I’m getting upset each day about things but keeping it together pretty well considering. Thank you all for your messages and support Xx

Thanks and yes does sound similar situation I felt a lot of doctors didn’t respect my mums choice (even though it was a no option choice) but her main specialists have been great. I can’t bekuebe I’ve now gone through my Mum dying but I really do have comfort knowing I was with her and that was so special to be just me & her (my dad stayed in another room as they were divorced) and it was important to be just me & mum. I got my wish and the promise I made her. So busy with funeral plans that I think it will really hit me in the new year when I return to work and ‘normal routine’. I couldn’t have done anymore for her. Just so sad xx

Hi Lucy,

Sorry to hear that your Mum has passed away - my thoughts are with you. She is now at peace.

I feel the same as you - I felt that I had lost my Mum back in March when she was very poorly - and when she passed away I coped ok.

I get emotional at times as I wish I could talk to her and see her one more time. It is hard but our mums are not suffering now so that is a comfort.

Take care of yourself and I hope that you find peace for yourself too.

Caroline
xxx

There’s one symptom I now have that is causing me quite a lot of discomfort and I see it’s caised by grief and shock but mouth is so dry and my lips are cracking it’s so painful but no amount of lip balm or saliva sweets is making any difference x

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