Crying inwardly

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My lovely wife Anne of 38 years died in May this year, after nearly 3 and a half years fighting breast cancer. We were childhood sweet hearts she was 15 and I was 17 when we met and through out our marriage nearly inseperable. I'm grieving I know that and every body around me likes to remind me of that fact daily which is slightly irritating. I'm back at work now (12 hour shifts as an electrician ). This is the hardest for me putting on an outward show that I'm okay, when inside I'm hurting and crying inside and sometimes I just want to pack my job in and go home.

In reply to Stevec

Hi there Steve sorry to hear about your wife,I lost my wife Jane in November 2018 we were married for 43 years and like you were inseparable we knew what each other was thinking,doing and going to do.
I retired in January 2018 through ill health both hers and mine and had just 10 months in full retirement together I am now on my own with just my little dog neighbours only know 2 in whole street,no children and relatives don't even want to know unless I see anyone when I take my dog out that's all there is for me.
I try to keep busy at home but usually end up crying and just wanting to hold her hand,give her a cuddle without her I'm lost.
What I'm trying to say is being at home alone seems to make things worse and wish I could have gone back to work to take my mind off the grief just a little Jane always liked company me I didn't and still don't but just to have the odd person to speak to releases a bit of the pressure of grief.
God I miss her so much it hurts
Its a living nightmare none of us ever wanted to think about.
Sorry I may not be of any consolation to you my biggest thoughts at the moment is keeping her memory alive and thinking of what she would say and do.
Kind regards my friend hope you find peace in your mind as I do.MM69

Steve...
...12 hours shifts is a lot to be doing...dont work yourself to a breakdown...
Oh yes how we hurt inside..I lost my partner of 20 years 11th April suddenly and unexpectedly at home sitting in his armchair, he was 74, I am 68...and not one day has gone that I have not cried, talk to your Anne constantly, anyone here will tell you she can here you...I talk and cry to my Richard all the time...You say you are crying inside, dont be afraid to let it all out, I know some men dont like to cry, some hold it back..but cry, talk to her, feel your Anne's presence near to you...

Jackie...sending a ((( hug )))

Thank You for your message. Work helps a lot at the moment it keeps my mind occupied, but I really need to cut down my hours 12 hours is to much for me now, so I will looking to change my shift or my job.
I find evenings particularly difficult because after work this was our time, to chat and watch tv together. I talk to her out loud or in my head I find this helps I do feel she is close at times so I'm comforted by this. I hope you find someone to talk to MM . Have you tried getting a part-time job ? I'm lucky that my adult children are around to help me through the dark periods in my life. I do think as men we are sometimes forgotten in times of grief by friends and family. Simply because we try to hide our feelings. Regards Steve.

Hi Jackie thanks for you message , I will be looking to cut my hours down at work in the near future.12 hours is to much for me now. Id speak to my wife out loud and even in my head . I feel she is close by at times so I'm comforted by this.
To lose your husband suddenly must have been terrible for you, I really feel for you.
On the day my wife died I had about 3 hours with her on my own to talk about how we met, the 4 fantastic children we raised. And about our marriage made in heaven. My wife couldn't reply she was very ill, but I do know she was listening and I thank God for that time with her alone. She died a few hours later surrounded by all her family it was a blessing.
Thank you again, I hope Richard will be close by to you each and everyday . Steve.

In reply to Stevec

Hi again Steve it seems to be like an impregnable barrier we come up against without our wives why was there never any feelings of defeat My wife Jane used to saywe'll get through this,or we can do if we try or if she was feeling blunt sh-t or bust.
Without her everything at times seems pointless I am 70 we had no children,relative just a nephew 160 miles away due to ill health in the both of us I had to give up my job milking cows nobody wants a 70 year old farm worker.
I am waiting to see her again first words she'll say is why didn't you do this or why didn't you do that as she did in life probably point her finger at me and laugh.
All the best my friend MM69

Life has been very cruel too us both MM. Many years ago I told my wife that I would go first.I've been an electrician for years worked unknowingly with asbestos and different building materials and for the last 30 years as an industrial electrician in a chemical environment. So I've inhaled and swallowed lots of chemicals in my line of work.My wife a hairdresser and later Care home manager nice clean jobs. So naturally thought I would go first .Was I wrong big time..I wish it had been me who had gone first.
Woman have a better support network with friends and family. Men are just expected to get on with it or that what it seems to me anyway. I miss her dreadfully at times and like you wish I could join her in the afterlife. I'm going to arrange to see a grief counsellor. Might be a good idea for you my friend as well. Steve

Hi Metalmickey, I do know how you feel, my husband of 55 years died on 1st May. What I would like to suggest to you is that you get involved with things locally. It won't help the pain of your loss but it will help you to adjust to life alone. Women are much better at activities than men but look up your local Lions Club, the U3A if you have one, or see what local charities need help. All those things are as much for men as they are for women and it would give you someone to talk to. Other things are helping out if you have a local steam railway, helping with an old persons lunch club etc. Don't spend too much time alone, it really makes things worse. Your wife would like to know that you had found something to occupy yourself now that she isn't here.

In reply to Stevec

Hello Stevec
My condolences on your loss
I too lost my wife to breast cancer .We had been married 50 years having met at school and nothing prepares you even when we had been told that she was incurable We had 3 final years before she passed on in Jan 2018
People cannot be expected to understand the grief that comes if they have not lost the love of their life. I now still have awful moments but also have come to a stage of having so good and lovely memories of our time together
Memories are the scribe of the heart
You are facing a difficult time and are what I call part of an emotional jigsaw , if you can imagine that you start with the edges then bit by bit you work at putting all the bits together until you are left with the last piece of the whole picture of your life together then Don't complete it , just hold on to the final section and gain comfort from knowing that this is the final piece of your love
I find this helps me cope - my own jigsaw after 18 months is about 1/3 complete so I' m learning to be patient with myself . There's no hurry
John

Hello Stevec
So so sorry for your loss!
I lost my husband to lung cancer in October last year and as you can imagine I am still grieving!
It's so awful! I'm back to work also and because work causes even more stress I could pack it in also some days! My home is my place of comfort so to leave it 8 hours a day really stresses me out.
I like work for the company and to get me out as I would rather be out than in as have to long to sit and think!
Every time someone ask me how I am ( stupid question) I just smile and say I'm o.k. because they really don't get it and I can't be bothered to be honest to keep explaining myself because they still don't get it.
We have been put in the worst position possible.
I / we were married 36years!
My heart is broken and inwardly I am screaming out for help! But no one really hears you!
I just make myself keep getting up in the mornings and doing things but this is the most difficult thing I have had to do alone.
Glad you can chat on this site as it do help.
We are always here holding your hand.
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

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