Does this ever end?


After nearly two years I feel worse than ever because I can see no end to this nightmare.
When my husband died my whole life disappeared overnight, our retirement and all our plans.
It doesn't matter how busy I keep myself , how many people I see I go home and have nothing in my life at all that means anything to me. I've had months of counselling all
I'm told is that there is hope for the future. I don't have any hope at all and dread the the years ahead. I know all about the Samaritans ,doctors , anti-depressants, take a day at a time etc and none of it helps me. Will this agony go on for the rest of my life. I never knew if was possible to feel so bad day in day out. Does anyone else feel the same ? or can you all see a way ahead? Sadie

Hi. Sadme. I know, you will have heard all this before, but bereavement takes everyone differently. Some grieve for a comparatively short time, others maybe for many years. You will never forget, but the pain will become more bearable. It's so easy to sink into despair, in fact I would say despair is so common in grief. I agree, nothing SEEMS to help, but the more you accept the situation the better. Nothing can change what's happened. Turning the clock back over and over does nothing to settle your mind.
It's very dark out there for you at the moment, but take heart in the fact that everyone here knows how you feel.
Nothing I can say at the moment will help a lot, but yes, I do see a way ahead. Faintly but I know it's there. My wife died last November and yes, it has been very painful. But coming on this site was the best move I ever made. Everyone is in the same boat and are so kind and helpful. They do have a counselling service so it might be good to ask. So many so called 'helpers' have not suffered in this way so it's difficult for them to empathise with you.
I would never suggest any activity or anything that will take your mind off your grief. I don't know you well enough to make suggestions. Take heart, we are all here for you to unload when you want. Blessings.

Like Jonathan, I'm not going to try to be prescriptive. For me I think there was a watershed moment when I realised that I couldn't just continue to live in the same way that I had done when Carolyn was alive, and well. I'd retired early at 52 and had she decided to retire early as well things could have been even better. I was encouraged to get out there and develop new interests and activities, as she didn't want me getting under her feet and disrupting her life. I'm really glad about that as they are things I have fallen back on.
I struggle to find real meaning in my life but maybe that's a step too far. It seems to be about filling time and looking for scraps of interest, enjoyment and enthusiasm. I can occasionally become lost in the moment and then realise I enjoyed something.
Next week I'm setting off for Pembrokeshire and then the Llyn Peninsula. I might as well be lonely there as lonely at home, and it's a change of scenery. They are both places we visited together fairly frequently and that makes it a challenge but I'm determined to not become paralysed by my grief and to look for as many enjoyable things as possible.
I know how much Carolyn wanted to live and it seems almost disloyal to her that I should just give up on life.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and I 'm glad, that after only 8 months that you can see a way ahead for yourself. The pain has got worse since it's hit home that this is what I'm left with. I'm aware of the counselling service offered here but I've had months of bereavement counselling. It helped relieved the pressure a little but that was all in the end I didn't know what to say anymore so stopped.Thank you anyway. S

all I can say is: we too will die one day. I was with some older friends, by 20 years, and we discussed suicidal feelings. but the logic was: we will be dead, soon enough. sort of a devil may care attitude .... but profoundly true. try to carry on. try to live, while you can. we will all follow our loved ones into the great beyond. we are here now. we might as well make the most of it.

It’s been two months since Steve passed away. I find the hardest place to go is the garage, his tools still on the floor, the new purchases because he loved trawling Homebase. The clothes in the wardrobe , the unwashed shirt , with the smell of his aftershave lingerie. I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone. The vicar told me that when the harshness of my husbands death fades I will be left with the memories. We should have had our retirement together and now I face it alone. My daughter got married six day after the funeral. That was hard. I just don’t know how to get through the days and nights without him.

Aftershave lingering

Thank you for your reply. Yes, logically this is true but since the day my loved one died nothing is logical to me. People years older with health problems, who don't look after their health are here and he has gone. Hardly a days illness in his life, a good person, who helped others and he's gone. I try to carry on and struggle through every day and night but the pain is unbearable .Sadie

Good luck with your travels and you seem to be going in a good direction .I'm glad you have some interests and activities to fill your day, thank you for your reply.

In reply to Montague

Hi, I am 6 weeks and feel exactly the same as you do, I never knew you could feel pain like this, I also find that when I see family or friends it feels horrible, like I don’t “fit” anymore, I don’t feel calm at none or out, alone or with company, it’s like your roots have been cut and your blowing around in the wind? I have to hope that with time the raw pain fades, they say time is a healer? I find watching touch of frost helps a bit as you have to concentrate also after a good cry I feel calmer, I try & see it that we are temporarily apart, but we have to get through our life somehow