No time to grieve properly


Hi anyone else feel swept along, my dad died then my hubby but since my hubby died I have had to hit the ground running from running / sorting out businesses, repairing water damage in the home to dealing with three further deaths
, dealing with money grabbing family to dependent elderly relatives, ill health, don't mention probate still not sorted to name but a few, suddenly I am feeling so overwhelmed, I suddenly realised I haven't stopped. Anyone else feel swamped.

Hi. Yes I felt overwhelmed with everything I had to sort out after my husband died last December.
Looking back now, the finances, having to sell my home (he left me without anything to survive on due to his alcoholism), all was done on auto pilot. Its now I sit and think too much, I have really bad anxiety. I'm sure it's because I didn't stop and reflect before.
The only advice I can offer is don't try and do everything at once, make a list and do just a few things a day. If you don't want to do something, then don't, ask for help if you can. I wish I'd followed that advice.
Please look after yourself, take care. x

Hi there. Being swamped, tell me about it. But you have had more than enough to cope with and need a rest to recharge.
I totally burned myself out after I lost Brian. I was sorting out things the very next day. I was manic which is all I can say for my excuse.
Brian was a hoarder but I had no idea to what extent. Everything was out of sight and tidy. He painted, was a musician, photography was his hobby and I never realised the amount of things he had. The loft was full to capacity as well as his shed. He loved electrical things and I haven't moved some of them even yet, have no idea what to do with them or even what they do!!!!!!
Of course there is all the paperwork which you never realise you will have to deal with and have you come across the brain dead people on the other end of the phone. I was capable of dealing with things but think now that I went through everything on auto pilot and rushed.
I sorted his painting equipment it took me five weeks, then his photography stuff, I sent his musical instruments to auction. Items to charity, camera's and his electric bike and scooter to sell. Had to burn so much of his past, how I cursed him for leaving me with all this to sort through. Never a day to rest, as well as the allotment plots (his and mine) to keep up together. Then just as I thought I was getting there a health scare four months on and ended up in hospital and op. I hadn't been to a GP in years and never had a hospital appointment so all this was just about pushing me over the edge. In hospital I remember crying all night, wanting my Brian and during the op I was allowed to wear the locket with his ashes in it. I wanted him with me so much.
Yet bit by bit we get through it all, so don't give up.
Like me you have been working to get it all sorted but you need to pace yourself now. Try to forget troublesome relatives, your health is more important. I eventually limited myself to two jobs a day and crossed them off a list. Which made me focus better and stopped rushing.
Bet you wish you could just up and run away, I know I did, but we can't really run can we. Where do we run to.
All the best to you and take it easier. My walking calms me, being in the countryside with nature. It's become my therapy and medication.
Love to you
Pat xxx

Thank you Pat, I am trying not to visit the dark places in my head, I try to remember to breathe and look around, try to control the things I can control just sometimes...........I scream so loud in my head yet my voice comes out silent.

In reply to Silverlady

Trying to control the things we can and leaving what we can't is a good recipe for peace of mind. It seems we have to be in control all the time. When we are not 'in control' over something it worries us. But mostly it's about things that don't matter.
Small things upset us, things we would have shrugged off before. 'Should I shouldn't I'?
And I know about screaming in your head and not being able to let it out. It's almost overwhelming at times. I am learning to live with it though. Very slowly, but some improvement is there.
Thank you for your posts. I find them enlightening. Blessings.

In reply to Mos

Hi Mos. Having to sell your house must have been awful for you and can certainly understand you suffering with anxiety. I also seem to be going through anxiety moments, perhaps this is another stage of grief we have to deal with.
Funnily enough I could cope with everything that had to be dealt with. But I went at it like a madwoman, never resting or relaxing, possibly trying to shut out the pain. Now I think I'm having to go through some of those feelings now and hoping that one day I will find some peace. I never asked for help because I felt capable of dealing with everything, having always been known for my independence, but wonder if I'm paying the price at times.
Hope you are getting on alright now.

Hi Silver lady, my husband died two years ago and then my mum,who lived with us also passed, and my husband was a bit of a hoarder too. I found myself running around like a headless chicken! I cleared the garage with lots of help and the house but still haven't managed to clear the loft and then there is mum's belongings too. I have a mantra one step at a time, one day at a time. On days when when I can I do and then there may be weeks when I can't , so I don't! No is a good word to learn to use. Just give yourself time to heal and take care of you. Take care.

Hi Pattidot. I certainly relate and agree with what you are saying. I've always dealt with things and prided myself on being able to, always the organiser and person people went to to sort things out. So not surprising I did it all, but in hindsight should have gone more slowly and taken the advice that was given to me, list things, do a couple of things or just leave it if you don't feel like it.
I said to my son today, I can't believe it's been 10 months and I can't really remember the first couple of months after Rob died. I think I was just numb and on autopilot. I'm thinking anxiety comes when we've stopped, I've sorted it all now and sit here thinking too much. Feel guilty if I find myself planning or looking forward or feeling just a little bit more optimistic, so the sadness and anxiety take over. It's a vicious circle.
Its also coming up to his birthday, yet another date to remember. So I've gone through my birthday, our anniversary date and now it's his birthday to reflect on. No more then to say "last year he was here". The most ridiculous part of this is the fact he never celebrated them anyway, he never gave me a card or present. How daft am I over that. So at the beginning of December it will be a year ago. Is the first year the worst, does it get better, I'm certainly hoping it does.
Take care and my best wishes to you x

In reply to Mos

Hi Mos, I too am coming up to the first year and no idea how it will hit me. Have been through all the anniversaries/birthdays. September/October last year was terrible and it's all coming back to haunt me this year.
I can so relate to you. I was always the organiser, the one everyone came to. At work I thrived on stress. Where has that person gone now, the slightest problem and I'm in bits now. I loved getting things sorted and when I lost Brian I started sorting everything out like you 'a headless chicken'. I totally burnt myself out. before I learn to pace myself. I even started decorating the house. I just don't know what was going through my head. I know what you mean about everything being a blur. The months have passed but the grief is still there. I was told, as so many have been, that time will heal. I don't think so. I think like so many of you I am just having to learn to cope with it.
Is the first year the worst, I have no idea. I don't make a habit of counting the days, weeks, months it all feels as if it happened yesterday.
Keep looking for that light, it does appear from time to time so grab it.

Take care Pat xx

I feel the same. So much to sort out and attend to. Trying to do all the things that were once shared. The last thing you need is form filling and having to tell companies that your husband the love of your life has passed. It has to be done I know but it just overwhelms you. I just feel that it’s hard to grieve properly until everything has been dealt with so yes I feel swamped also