Two Years Gone

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It was said to me that following bereavement, the first year is hard because you have all the first anniversaries to cope with and that the second year is harder because you finally realise they are gone for good.

My second anniversary will be two weeks today so I would be very interested to know from anybody who feels inclined to this view, how they felt about their third year.

Hello Greyone. I totally and wholeheartedly agree with you. You can recover from the initial grief period but then, as you say, you are left with the heaviest feeling ever that it is all for real. The irony is that the more that time passes the more people think we must have recovered and are less tolerant towards us. After 17 months I feel so broken with not a clue of how to fix myself. I'm sure some more positive souls will be able to share some uplifting comments but I do send compassionate thoughts to you.

In reply to Tina19

Hello Tina

Thx for your reply. I have been cautioned many times about introducing time to grief and bereavement. I do think dates are important to give us a perspective without being a true measure.

During this anniversary year, I've been trying to fix myself and I find it hard. I am hoping my 3rd Anniversary year will be kinder and allow me to mend myself.

Thank you so much for getting in touch.

G1

that is why I never talk about my loss. people just do not understand ... but they should! most people I know have lost someone!

Hi

I would agree the second year is extremely hard. For me moving house last year meant that I am experiencing first and second year anniversaries. Knowing I am coming up to the second anniversary of my Mum collapsing and getting the news she was terminally ill is praying on my mind a lot. Also knowing this time last year I was still in the family house albeit selling it. It all feels too much at times.

I do agree people think you should be ‘over it’ after such a short time. I don’t think you can ever get over it completely. I read on here recently the comment that grief softens rather than goes away and I think that describes it well. My grief for the loss of Mum has softened from the all abiding torture it was at first. I think about her every day and my Dad who passed away 26 years ago. For me the gradual losing of the memory of Mum’s voice and laugh is very hard. Her smile is easy as I have so many photographs as I have of Dad.

Greyone your anniversary is today and I am sending you warm thoughts and good wishes.

Mel

In reply to berit

yes indeed. People of have grieved or suffered a loss should understand but don't always seem to. Maybe that is their way of coping. I have just been thinking that maybe the uniqueness of our grief separates us from everyone else? But there could be many other answers. My reasons for not talking about it are to minimise my own pain and avoid adding to it.

In reply to Mel

It is such a shame there is no button for a 'double like'. Today is my 2nd anniversary for my mum. My sister and I are still in the family home. We both had other personal reasons why we didn't sell and move. So we are going to have another go at it this year.

Here is a quote I'd like to share with you, which I still think of today especially.

"You know, everyone says that the first year is the hardest. But it's not. In the first year, you are expecting it to be very hard. All those "firsts", the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first Christmas, the first anniversary of their death. So, you are kind of focused on getting through that. I found" she said "the second year was much harder. Because you've been so focused on getting through all those "firsts" and getting through the first year. And now the first year is over, and you find they are still dead. And that's when it really starts to sink in, that it's actually real and forever and they aren't coming back."

A Cruse counsellor suggested that one reason for my continued grieving is that I am still in what was my mother's house. So this year I hope to move out and finally start my new life.

Hi greyone my husband died 2 year’s this Friday and I can relate to how you are feeling until you have that loss in your life people don’t understand how you actually feel I personally have one great big void in my life since Robert died and I just don’t know how to fill in such a big gap I’ve got great family and friends that support me but it’s not the same same i just take each day as it comes and hopefully one day I could feel normal again my life has changed for the worst there is not a day goes by that Robert isn’t on my mind but I’m sure he is up there looking down on me I hope eventually you find peace sending you big hugs xxxx

In reply to Janey

Hi Janey and thank you so much for posting. I am delighted to hear from someone similar to myself.

On the website somewhere a page called "How can I cope with bereavement?" and i read "The aim is not to get back to normal. It is about understanding how your life has changed and being able to reach a better balance between the good days and bad days.". I was desperate to get back to normal until i read this. How does that sound to you ?

My problem is in expressing myself. I have spoken to Cruse twice now and each time i find it hard to express myself in a way that i think they can understand. Does that ring a bell with you ?

I went for counselling but didn’t help me so I gave up not to say it would not help others it’s a very hard process that we are all going through and we all deal with it differently I got a ring made with Roberts ashes so he is always with me which I find comforting I miss him every day all I can say to you is you will have good days and bad days but somehow we all get through another day keep your chin up I’m here anytime if you need to chat big hugs xxx

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