Will i ever have a full night's sleep again?


Dear Jayne,

You are describing me in many ways, I have not touched a book in four years, I cannot get off the first page as I just can't concentrate.

What I did do when I came home from hospital the afternoon Peter died was to climb into our bed he had left the evening before when the ambulance took him to the hospital, I wanted to smell him on the bed clothes and on his prop up pillows. We always slept together, even with the oxygen tanks. I didn't change the bed for three weeks, I could not bear to lose the scent of him but I knew I had to. I didn't wash the sheets for months, they were in the laundry basket in the utility room.

We all have our own ways of getting through, so we do what we must do to make life easier for ourselves. Listen to yourself and no-one else, do what feels right for you as we are all different and do not do anything you do not want to do, don't be shamed into joining clubs etc. if you don't want to then don't, just nod your head, say thanks for the advice and do what the heck you want.

Your group sounds lovely, we have nothing like that here, I go to a Friendship group only because a neighbour asked me to go with her, but she is 10 years older than me and it really is not my cup of tea, but they do organise days out so I go for that.

It is very early days yet Jayne, like I say, after four years I still hate my life, I still want Peter back and I cannot believe it has happened to us, we were supposed to live forever.


Sheila xx

Thank you so much for this, Sheila.
Sending you love and a big hug.
Jayne xxx

I am always here if you need to talk Jayne.

After four years without Peter, I have been through every kind of emotion there is, the feeling that everything is pointless and hopeless but I am still here, getting up each morning so I must be stronger than I think.

I prayed and prayed to die when Peter died, I could not imagine being able to continue with my life without him by my side but I did. I used to go to bed on a night and say, over and over again, please take me back to 1964, please take me back to 1964, that was when we first met. But I always woke up in the morning in the same old place.

One day you will laugh at something on the television but mostly you will cry when you see a programme mentioned that your husband loved or when you hear a song that you both loved, this will never change. To this day I cannot watch re-runs of any of the old series he used to love to watch.

It is just another way we get through this nightmare because that is what it is, a living nightmare.

Sleep well.


Sheila xx

Here I am once again, early hours and wide awake. Just finished cuppa and now browsing this site. I bet there's a few of you awake with me. I've just shouted at my husband saying " look what you've reduced me to!" How I long for him to answer me back. Damn it! Xx

Dear Kate,

Four years for me now and it still happens to me. Mind whirring around, memories popping up all over the place. It never ends.


52 years since our first kiss.
52 days since our last.

Don’t want to get up. Can’t sleep, though tired. Try for another hour.

Particular poem racing around in my head. I’ll not quote it until I’ve had chance to check my memory.

I lost my partner 8 weeks ago. The first few nights after it I slept all night but a few days before the funeral my sleep pattern changed and I can only sleep for two hours and then I wake up, stay awake until about 5am. I’m trying to listen to guided meditations which help a bit. I have been getting the same dreams that he hasn’t died and I’m mad at him for playing such a cruel game. It’s really strange. I’m not even tired but I have lost my desire to leave the house. I’m back in work now and I’m finding it so difficult.

In reply to ME

Firstly, I think you're very wise going back to work, distraction is good if only for a few hours.
As for your sleep pattern, well that's me as in sleeping for couple of hours and then wake. I've learnt not to fight it so I get up, make a hot drink and read. Sometimes I can be reading for 2 hours or more. Again like you, I'm not tired. To be honest I never even considered going to GP simply because I'm not tired. I would be very reluctant to take anything to help me sleep unless I was walking around like a zombie. Maybe a good night's sleep will come for us, maybe it won't. I think it's something which we will have to learn to live with. Sending love xx

Lost my husband 18 months ago,and without a sleeping pill I only get 2 hrs sleep a night ,I still think about him morning and night,and there are times when the grief hits all over again,I'm dreading the run up to Xmas,seeing couples and families out shopping,knowing we can never do that again,I keep going because I have to,and to keep things as normal as possible for a friend who has just been given a terminal diagnosis in the past 8 weeks,it's hard but it gives me something to focus on.