Death of a child

Has anybody lost their child that I could talk to. I lost my son age 2. He wS diagnosed very unexpectedly with a large brain tumour at 6 months old after suffering seizures. The next 18 months were a rollercoaster of chemotherapy, surgery, harsher chemotherapy and more surgery.
Eventually we were told it wasn’t working and there was nothing more that could be fine, but no time scale for his remaining time could be given due to the rare nature of the tumour.
We were given a place at a hospice but felt we could only go for respite and stay with him - but in that first night he died.
That was 12 years ago
It took me 18months to start grieving - at which point it hit me like s train.
It took 7 years for me to accept what had happened and be able to process it.
I still can’t talk about it without crying. I miss him so much. I have so many regrets - things I wish I’d done, not done or done differently.
I cry when I see children his age.
I cry when I think of what he could/ should have grown to become.
I have sought help but my doctor will only give medication - counselling can only be given privately. I don’t want medication.
Can anybody relate to me ?

In reply to N

Hello N
I'm truly sorry to read of how desperately bad you've been feeling for so long.
My understanding barely touches the surface as my loss was a different relation type.
I do understand a bit what you mean about not dealing with the grief, the aftermath, etc at the time, and the regret from the could have/should have scenarios. I'm still struggling in that area a bit to be honest.
It's said that until we come to terms with things they will wait and wait for us to try and face everything. I suppose the one benefit of this means it's never too late as the door will always be open. It will be difficult but I think we know and expect that.
I can't understand why there is no NHS counselling you can have. In most areas there are NHS "Talking Therapies". You normally self-refer to this free service. It's not grief counselling sadly it's what they call "person-centred" and although it may not be effective in long-term bereavement matters, it's someone to talk things through with. I declined every medication I was offered and am now in need of counselling. It's a long waiting list though.
There will be many more members here that may know of charities that provide counselling and/or will have lost a child with far, far more wisdom than I could ever offer. I just wanted to say you are deserving of help and understanding and if it's counselling that will do this, have a chat again to your Dr about "Talking Therapies". If they don't have this, they are one of the rare health authorities that don't.
I'm sure more members will reach out to you. Look after yourself.

Thank you for just replying at all. I am hoping that connecting with people that can relate but are not friends will help. A friend who has a child with ongoing medical difficulties, resulting in lots of hospitalisation, has been one of the few who said she understood. I don’t talk about it much to friends for the risk of sounding like a broken record and losing them - and whilst that may sound unlikely it does /has happen. People have distanced themselves after I eventually spoke about it, despite being friends for some time; I assume because they don’t know what to say & feel awkward.
I live in devon and my friend above (but not my doctor) mentioned the devon anxiety & depression service she has used, which is provided through the NHS & offer talking therapies and CBT . I self referred (as I suffer sleeplessness and huge anxiety surrounding my 2 other children and my husband) and was seen twice but they said that I was already doing most of the self help strategies and they felt I would benefit more from counselling - but it was a service only available privately.
I have only opened up once to this friend and she has not met up with me since ; I assume it was good to relate (as she said) but too emotional to be with someone you know.
I understand completely when you say about coming to terms with things, but I feel I have now accepted the situation (although it took 7 years) and I have asked every question I can think of (including discussion with my sons consultants) . I know some can never be answered - and maybe that’s the sticking point. I truly don’t think I’ll ever ‘get over it’ and I feel I will always feel this emptiness inside but I would like to be able to talk.

When I say ‘get over it’ I am I’m no way directing that at you. What I mean is that I feel I have accepted it but it always there - I don’t feel I’m going to move past this stage.

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