Loss of our son aged 27

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FInding it so very hard to understand how we can carry on without our lovely boy. He died just over three weeks ago of pancreatic cancer after a horrendous three months of pain. Life now seems totally pointless. Would welcome any help at all.

Hello Wynne,
My son was 34 and died of a brain tumour, we had just over 4 years with him and thought we were out of the woods but it returned in August '16. He died on 9th December. I too like you thought life wasn't really worth living. Sometimes I still believe that, but I have no choice but to try and do Sam proud. He would be livid if he thought I wasn't coping as he had such a zest for life. Please remember, love is way too strong to be broken by death. Try to think of all the times you all had something to laugh about remember all his idiosyncrasies his way he did things, things that made you mad, laugh cry and talk about him to anyone who will listen. Be proud, if things were reversed which believe me it should be........your son would be proud of you...........probably saying things like oh mum did this that or the other. There are a lot of people on this site and it helps to put things down in writing and offload those feelings, please write again.

My heart is with you

Helen

Dear Helen,

Thank you so much for replying. I am so sorry to hear about your son Sam. Your advice about believing love is way too strong is a powerful message and I am trying to hold onto that. Our son, Danile was a truly loving person and we know he would want us to carry on but the sadness and grief seem to be all consuming. Daniel was only diagnosed in November with pancreatic cancer which spread rapidly and he was in terrible pain most of the time. The hole he has left seems so big and it is hard just to keep getting up and doing the daily chores. Have you any advice? Thank you again, Helen.

Wynne

Hello Wynne

All I can say is try to keep doing those normal things, even though it will seem impossible at times, looking into that chasm of grief is horrendous and you feel unable to cope. I found that then thinking about the good things that he liked that he did and the times you had together helped pull me back from the edge of the chasm. It is just so hard but you have no choice but to go on,he would expect it of you and you have to make him proud. I always talk to Sam all the time whether it's in the car in the house or before I go to bed. Talking to him helps as I am sure they can hear you.

With love Helen

Thanks Helen, your advice is so welcome. Daniel seems to be around us at the moment and I know he would want us to be happy but it all seems so pointless with him not physically here. He was a larger than life person so the hole is enormous. I think your advice about talking to Sam is good and I do chat to Daniel in my head but it makes be feel sad. Please do keep writing. Thank you so much. Wynne

Hello Wynne,
Today I had that terrible feeling of loss and despair, Sam died on the 9th December,so for me today is poignant. I talk out loud to Sam and this morning I told him I couldn't keep doing this I needed some help. Believe me or not...........a feather appeared right by my side on the arm of the chair, and my very best friend who is on her way to collect her sister from Heathrow, said to her husband I need to call Helen I have a feeling so strong that I need to call, she did. They say that your loved ones who have passed over will try to communicate, I know Sam has, we can feel him in the house and me especially can feel him all around me. They also say they send friends when they're needed to help you. That is again exactly what happened today. I have calmed down now and I'm going to go shopping.........which is exactly what Sam wants for me to do carry on as normal as possible. This is how I know that Daniel would want you to do the same, please try very hard like me to carry on even when it seems you feel unable to do so. Please don't feel sad about talking to Daniel, although physically he like Sam is not here he is here in spirit and he can see and hear you, which is why I talk out loud silly inconsequential things sometimes but it does help when it's about normal things. Sam went travelling all over the World, lived in Australia Cambodia, Sweden to name a few. He like Daniel had a huge personality and I find myself drawing on things he has said and done to get through. I am sure you have lots of memories of Daniel, happy ones that is what I do.
With love Helen

Thanks Helen, your kind words give me strength and I keep trying to not dwell on the last few months when Daniel suffered so much pain. He passed away four weeks tomorrow so it will be a difficult day. It is so very hard trying to not dissolve into tears every few hours. The doctor said it will get better and there will be good times ahead but it is difficult to believe this, my faith has been shaken and both physically and emotionally I feel like a wreck. I don't want to do anything but know that shopping has to be done etc. Please keep writing. Love Wynne

Hello Wynne,
Your right it is so hard not to dissolve in tears, I find myself yesterday and today so very low. I have done the shopping and I keep trying to do normal things and yes the doctor is right it does get easier. My friend lost her daughter, she was 48 (but had a mental age of around 10 or 12) so Sandra did everything for her. She refused to let her go to a hospice and nursed her at home. her words to me were..the tiniest of steps, day by day it gets slightly better. I really do hope so. I am thinking of you today. What hurts me the most is that they were so young. Cancer respects no one and nothing. I will keep writing

Love Helen

In reply to Wynne

I know what your going through I lost my only child in November he was 33 he died from deep vein thrombosis I didn't even no he had it ,it was a complete shock

Dear charliedan,

Many thanks for your message - so sorry to hear about your son - I can't imagine how terrible it is to lose an only child. Today is very hard as it is exactly four weeks ago that Daniel passed away in his sleep after three months of pain trying to battle pancreatic cancer. We all miss him so much and although friends and family try to be kind the pain just not seem to be so deep and dribbling. Please do write back and tell me about your son.

Thanks

Wynne

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