4 years after losing mum

Is it normal that 4 years after losing my mum I feel like it’s just happened? The grief is almost worse that when she died right in front of me? I just can’t seem to pick myself up. Is anyone else experiencing this? Anger frustration actual heart break? I can’t sleep. The slightest thing makes me cry and wish she was here! People always say times a healer.... really? I’m struggling with understanding that! I feel resentment towards all my friends for them all still having their mums and leave the room whenever they talk about their mum. Please someone on here be the same as me, I actually feel like I’m losing the plot!! I should mention my mum was 50 when she died. I was 29 and my brother was 20. I now feel I am the main woman in my brother and my fathers lives and as well as looking after my 5 year old and 9 year old I’m looking after and guiding them too.

In reply to SamBam85

I can't say as I lost my mum in August but I know i am struggling more now than I was at the beginning. I feel traumatised by it now and can't believe it happened to her. She died just before her 60th birthday but I was 27 at the time and I had just had a baby who was 7 weeks old. She was the first grandchild in my family and I spent my whole pregnancy shopping and getting excited for my baby she would message me she cannot wait to meet my daughter and feel she was cruelly snatched at such a horrible time and i will never get over it as being a first time mum is scary and I feel her support is really needed but now I have to do it on my own and grieve at the same time this is what should be the happiest time of my life but someone has come and stamped on it and tainted it completely. I suffer from anxiety and my mum was the only person who understood me and try and find me the help no one really knows how to be. I really hope it does get easier I completely understand my friends are always saying my mum bought my baby this etc and it really hurts my heart. X

In reply to SamBam85

I can't say as I lost my mum in August but I know i am struggling more now than I was at the beginning. I feel traumatised by it now and can't believe it happened to her. She died just before her 60th birthday but I was 27 at the time and I had just had a baby who was 7 weeks old. She was the first grandchild in my family and I spent my whole pregnancy shopping and getting excited for my baby she would message me she cannot wait to meet my daughter and feel she was cruelly snatched at such a horrible time and i will never get over it as being a first time mum is scary and I feel her support is really needed but now I have to do it on my own and grieve at the same time this is what should be the happiest time of my life but someone has come and stamped on it and tainted it completely. I suffer from anxiety and my mum was the only person who understood me and try and find me the help no one really knows how to be. I really hope it does get easier I completely understand my friends are always saying my mum bought my baby this etc and it really hurts my heart. X

In reply to SamBam85

Hi SamBam85
I only joined this yesterday and I can't believe how many people are going through an extremely hard time because of losing someone very close, and strange as it may sound reading those stories has given me comfort knowing I.m not alone, but reading yours especially as it sounds not disimiliar to yours.
I too lost my Mum last May, on top of losing 2 brothers and my Dad too withing 2 years altogether. All of them had illnesses before they passed away and so it was left to me to be the person who made sure they had everything they needed, as well as looking after my two children and working part time. When Mum finally passed away I feel like I lived on a sense of, it's finally over and I could take a breath to concentrate on my kids, but as time goes on that feeling passed and I now feel like my purpose in life has gone and I feel like I have no-one, even though I know my kids need me more than ever as they have lost all my side of their family. There are so many mixed emotions that I go through on a daily basis, including the petrifying thought I.m the main one now that needs to sort everything as I have no one else that is left to help me. I expect you.re feeling, as I often do, totally overwhelmed by the responsibility of your family looking to you for support, which always feels so much worse in the early hours when sleep totally evades you, especially when you are so young. It's a normal feeling that many of us dealing with this horrible time have to endure.
Try to do what I do and think of nice stuff you can do with your children, maybe a day out or lunch or something, anything to try to take your mind off it, sometimes it.ll work sometimes not. I.m sure you.ve tried lots of ways to feel better, but I totally understand how you feel and I know it's torture on a daily basis. You mention friends and I have to say I truly have found out who my real friends are over the last few years and they have been few and far between, in fact I don't have any where near the same amount now as I did before all this started. I.m afraid I have found that some friends can be extremely insensitive and uncaring when it comes to death, and I have wanted to scream so many times, have you any idea how devastated I am when they just don't seem to care. I.m afraid that's life, and unless someone is going through or has been through the same as you the chances are they will not understand at all.
Rest assured Sam that there are alot of people out there just like us that are going through this together and use this fantastic forum to talk as there.ll always be someone who understands you and can talk to you, just like me.
Let's hope today's better than yesterday. Take care x

I completely understand what you're going through...I honestly could have written this myself, its exactly how I've been feeling.
My mum died unexpectedly when I was 7 months pregnant. I was 37 at the time, but had just been through IVF and we were so excited about the baby, she couldn't wait to meet him. She deteriorated so quickly she never even got to meet him or find out it was a 'him'.
I really struggled when I had the baby, I couldn't stop crying. You're right, being a first time mum is the scariest thing I've ever been through, and to not have her there in my corner telling me that I'm ok feels like I don't have anybody at all.
And its awful to think, but when people go on about their nans and their mums I just feel completely heart broken and I feel like I'm losing her all over again.
I hope you find some way of coping, I have good support which I am thankful for everyday, but there's nothing like your mum...

Hi everyone.

Just wanted to put my hand up and say I understand too. Life is so very cruel at times.

I lost my dad in 2017 then out of the blue my mum had terminal cancer straight after and I cared for her until she died in 2018. It's been so hard.

I understand your points about it getting harder in some ways as time goes on. At first there is a tiny sense of relief as the a pain for our mum and awful nightmare is finally over if they have been ill but then the longing and missing them takes its place. I get your points on friends too. Some people have been amazing and others completely let me down. Hardly anyone asks me how I am doing now. I know it is awkward for people but the one person I would usually have spoken to when I feel alone or upset are the people that have died :(

I have ended up on here today as I was in a shop where someone was buying a present for their mum. She was at least 20 years older than me and still had her mum. It hurts so much.

It does help ranting on here though as I know everyone on here understands.

Ann xx

In reply to KateJ

My gosh that is awful my heart really goes out to you. I keep questioning if there was a god why would he do that! I can definitely say I was a very fragile girl when my mum was alive my mum use to say I was like a little girl lost but now I feel like a completely different person I feel I am a grown up as silly as that sounds and am proud of myself being able to look after my daughter on my own. I do I have an amazing dad he adores my daughter a lovely brother and sister too plus some of my mums friends have been amazing some of mine on the other hand not so much :(...... But I just miss my mums face would light up and she would be so excited when ever we came over she would take the baby straight off of me for a cuddle I really miss that plus she knows the baby stuff my dad just doesn't really know but he tries bless him. I'm fed up of my partner keep wanting to take her to see his mum and dad and calling her nanny it's not fair when my mum really helped me through a tough pregnancy and her birth she threw me the most amazing baby shower to and I will never forget the excitement on her face going through all the baby stuff people had bought. I see nans everywhere and dread mothers day but it's so unfair as this is my first mothers day as a mum!

In reply to KateJ

My gosh that is awful my heart really goes out to you how we're you during the birth? . I keep questioning if there was a god why would he do that! I can definitely say I was a very fragile girl when my mum was alive my mum use to say I was like a little girl lost but now I feel like a completely different person I feel I am a grown up as silly as that sounds and am proud of myself being able to look after my daughter on my own. I do I have an amazing dad he adores my daughter a lovely brother and sister too plus some of my mums friends have been amazing some of mine on the other hand not so much :(...... But I just miss my mums face would light up and she would be so excited when ever we came over she would take the baby straight off of me for a cuddle I really miss that plus she knows the baby stuff my dad just doesn't really know but he tries bless him. I'm fed up of my partner keep wanting to take her to see his mum and dad and calling her nanny it's not fair when my mum really helped me through a tough pregnancy and her birth she threw me the most amazing baby shower to and I will never forget the excitement on her face going through all the baby stuff people had bought. I see nans everywhere and dread mothers day but it's so unfair as this is my first mothers day as a mum!

In reply to AnnAnnie

That's awful do you have other family you can lean on to? I really don't want to talk to a lot of my friends they have really let me down and just want to use me when it suits them! How old are you? I was 27 when my mum died and I constantly look at other people with mums and see many older people than me with mums so I feel completely abnormal :( my mum was also my go to person so feel lost! Xx

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