I lost my dad a year ago and my mum recently and with a severely mentally ill brother and no other family I am struggling to cope. My friends haven’t lost anyone and now it’s been 6montha since mum they are getting on with their lives but the pain has got to breaking point. I am taking medication and getting therapy, looking after myself as best I can but I am struggling to cope withdrawing from social stuff cause I feel not able. Just trying to work a few days a week. I just went to hear from other people who have been through this as in my world no one understands x
Is anyone else orphaned in their 40’s?
I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost both your parents, and that none of your friends understand how you feel. It sounds as though you are feeling very alone right now. You have come to the right place to talk to others who understand the grief of losing a parent. While you wait for more replies to your post, I have found some other posts that you might be interested to reply to:
- Julie.Ann is 40 and has lost both parents: https://support.sueryder.org/community/losing-parent/losing-parents-0
- Alexsw123 is in their 30s and has lost both parents: https://support.sueryder.org/community/losing-parent/losing-both-parents-0
It is good that you are getting therapy and trying to look after yourself. It is OK to take time out from social activities for a while if that is what you need - it's important to give yourself time to grieve and do what feels right for you.
You are definitely not alone. I am 48 and reeling from the shock of losing my beloved mum 11 weeks ago. She suffered a brain hemorrhage 15 minutes after routine surgery in the recovery room.
Mum was 74 and really active and funny. She was expecting me to collect her from the hospital the following lunchtime and make a full recovery. The shock I have experienced since she died is surreal. I have been signed off work since her funeral and am struggling to cope with being an orphan. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack when he was 53, 21 years ago.
Mum and I coped by supporting each other and I thought I would have her until she was 90.
She helped bring up my daughter who is 12 and missing her nan enormously.
Life is very cruel and unfair and I really feel for you.
I am surprised that your friends havent lost parents. All mine have lost at least 1 parent and several have also lost both.
You are most definitely not alone in your grief.
Hi Keels, im 32 and both my parents have died. My mum died 4 years ago from pancreatic cancer amd my dad had a catastrophic brain haemorrhage and died end of june this year. I find that im grieving the future I thought I would have and knowing that I have no other family to turn to and losing that person who showed you unconditional love and support so hard to bear. I went back to work yesterday and all I wanted to do was tell dad about my day. All I can say is be kind to yourself and get through each day. Xxxxx
God I am so so sorry, it’s brutal huh?! Well done for going back to work. My mum was my constant throughout my life, not having any parents feels like the foundations of a house crumbling away and I am desperately trying to figure out how to rebuild them if that makes sense? I have anxiety I have never experienced and no desire to do loads of the social stuff I did. It really helps hearing from you as I just haven’t met anyone that has lost both parents. How are you coping? X
Omg Cheryl I am beyond sorry. It’s awful isn’t it? God for you it’s just so new. My mum died in February. I feel the same as you about my mum she was my constant. God you must feel in utter shock, so so sorry. Who do we fall back in now? Who do I check in with? Who do I go to when I am desperately sad now? It’s just so hard. I still can’t believe I have no family now. Sending you so much love and hugs xx
Thankyou. Do you have a partner or children at all? Is there any family at all that you can lean on?
It sounds to me that you are coping better than you think and you should be proud of yourself for doing so.
This forum will help as well just being able to chat with people in similar situations.
What sort of social activities did you used to do? I have also withdrawn from people although mum,my daughter and my partner were my life anyway. I didnt do much socially as I worked long hours. Since I am not working its not easy and as soon as I am fit to go back I will.
When you are sad and need someone to speak to there is always someone on this forum who understands x
Thank you so so much. I don’t have any family just my brother but he is mentally ill poor thing. My friends are great and I have an ex partner who has and still is brilliant. I bought a puppy - read the book everyone died so I bought a dog - it is lovely, he is lovely. I think I have found some friends great and some who I was close to have been non existent which has shocked me. Have you found the same? It’s almost as though they really do not know what to say. Hard to accept but guess they haven’t lost anyone and maybe it’s uncomfortable to them not knowing really how to help or what to say. I think I have just come more into my own world, spending time with loving people and trying to figure out how to get my way through.
I am so glad you have your family around you does it help? I know people still say they feel alone. I still take the dog out with the dog walking group and see friends when I feel like it guess it is at a different level to what I used to do. I used to go to gigs all the time, festivals but I have t the energy for it. Calm time is what helps.
So helpful finding this forum as I don’t know if anyone else who has lost both parents and it is a game changer.
Thank you for replying thank you for your kind words x
Glad I could be of some comfort. Before mum died I had no interest in online forums buy you are right, the people I had in my life dont really know what to say.
Several of my close friends have lost both parents but one lives in Cyprus and the other in Spain.ive hot friends in their early fifties who have both parents still around and who only see them once or twice a year.
I lived and breathed my mum.if I was up at 5am for work so would she be making me a cup of tea. She stayed up till I got home from late turns and called me to make sure I was off my train ok.
I let her know when I got to work safely and she let me know when my daughter was on the bus to school. Of an evening we would watch tv together with a glass of wine and we invited her to every activity we did as a family.
I simply cannot accept that she has gone, taken by a sudden brain haemorrhage.
People say to me that we were lucky she died suddenly, without pain but I dont feel that way.
She wanted to live so much and loved helping bring my daughter up.
Yes it does help having a partner and daughter but both are fed up of my tears and depressed mood. My 12 year old has surprised me how well she has been able to just get on with life considering her and my mum were joined at the hip.
It will be 12 weeks tomorrow since mum had the operation and fell asleep and I honestly cant tell you how I have got through
The only thing I can say, is that, like you, I have got this far and I will carry on.i know life will never be the same again though. When mum died a huge part if me went with her.
Thinking of you x
Hi, I’m Matthew. I am genuinely sorry to read your news and how you feel. I lost my dad 20 years ago and feel as though I’m preparing myself by joining here knowing my mum has recently been diagnosed with heart failure. A friend mentioned the concept of equanimity to me today which I’d never heard about before and I hope the link to follow helps you in some way https://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/books-articles/articles/equanimity/