Broken

Hi, I’m new on here. I lost my mum to ovarian cancer on Mother’s Day this year. Was a little shock, she was diagnosed 2 years ago. She was responding well to chemo and tests were showing things had stabilised etc. A week before she was admitted to hospital she was out to lunch with her friends and shopping etc. She sadly had a sudden unexpected complication of Bowel obstruction and perforation. She passed away on Mother’s Day and this year has been so upsetting. Still cannot believe it, think of her constantly and this week it has really hit me in ways i didn’t think it would. It has made me so depressed and highlighted everything I was negative about before. A very difficult time.

Hi Pippa,

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your mum on Mother's Day. It is still early days for you and it is understandable that you feel very low. It's important to be very kind to yourself and try to take things day by day.

It can also help to have outlets for your emotions - I hope that writing things down here can be a good way for you to get things off your chest. You are among people who understand here. While you wait for more replies to your post, you might find it helpful to read and reply to some of the other recent conversations in the Losing a Parent section of the site: https://support.sueryder.org/community/losing-parent

If there is anything I can help with, or you have any questions about using this site, you can contact me at online.community@sueryder.org.

Priscilla
Community Manager

In reply to PippaJ

Hi PippaJ

I am so sorry to read about your Mum and this happening on Mothering Sunday. It sounds all very quick and must have been such a shock for you, very frightening too. Of course you must be thinking of her all the time, I would imagine you are still in shock about it

I am sue it will feel very difficult the next few months and indeed for a long time afterwards. You need to to remember to take good care of yourself. Be selfish almost and if you don’t want to do something just say I don’t want to. Try it, it is very liberating as we are so conditioned to saying yes and pleasing others. People talk about being kind to yourself which I always think sounds a bit silly. What it really means is remembering you are number one now, you are now your priority, keeping healthy and getting through each day. I used a treat system when I lost my Mum, nice bubble bath if the day had been hard, lots of comfort food - beans on toast, scrambled eggs etc. Chocolate and wine as well but in moderation! I found going to the cinema was good, nice and dark in there so no one could see me having a cry if I wanted to. Basically nearly anything goes to get you through the rough days. Even just sitting in the garden with a cup of coffee can be enough sometimes.

I see Priscilla has replied to you as well. She is lovely and the help you can get from her and others on this site is invaluable. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from them, the online bereavement service I understand is very good or maybe your GP could help you. The GP should be able to talk you through your Mum’s illness at least and help you make sense of what has happened.

I wish you luck in the next few weeks, it is a difficult time indeed for you but you have lost of support on here if needed.

Mel

Hi PippaJ; I lost my Mum in February this year after cancer treatment for a year so I am totally with you right now. At first I coped well; I am an only child and Mum was alone so I had to sort everything out which kept me busy. It’s now in the the past few weeks that I have felt it. I call it waves of pain and I am learning to ride the waves. Having a good cry is the best thing and surrounding myself in Mum; I wear her perfume, am growing her favourite pink roses in the garden and have even had a pink rose and forget-me-not tattoo which is a replica of a rose she had tattooed when she turned 60. She was only 65 when I lost her this year.

Some days are so painful; it makes my throat physically hurt and other days it’s fine and I go along enjoying life knowing she is with me; probably more now than before. I didn’t find enough time for her in the past few years but I don’t let this get to me; life is what it is; I was with her every step of the past horrible year and with her at home when she passed away so I get immense comfort from that.

Let the waves wash over you, soak you, leave you gasping for air even but at the same time let the memories and what your Mum would want you to do give you the strength to get through the wave and shake yourself off.

I believe we will all be fine; this group are helping me realise this. Life is going to be different with grief being part of it but I truly believe we will be ok.

Big hugs to you. Keep chatting. X

In reply to TJ68

Hi TJ68

Just wanted to say what good ideas you have given. Wearing your Mum’s perfume is such an evocative way of having her still with you. I kept one bottle of my Mum’s perfume, not one she used a lot but her father used to give it to her so she always had the bottle on the dressing table.

The roses are also a good idea. I have a garden with lots of Mum’s favourites in, fuchsias, heliotrope and like you a pink rose bush. I also have cornflowers for my Dad. Don’t think I would have a tattoo as I have a needle phobia!

You and Pippa will be fine. It is a horrible time and as you say letting everything wash over you and all the happier memories come out works.

The little things seem to help so much. I still sleep with one of Mum’s handkerchiefs nearly three years on. You have given me the idea of spraying a little of her perfume on it so thank you.

Hugs to you too and Pippa

Mel
Xx

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