Don't know what to do.


I lost my mom three years ago. 93. she had dementia. there were times as her carer that I tore my hair out, and took things out on her. I deeply regret those times. so please, as you go along, remind yourself the less you allow it to get to you, the fewer regrets you will have, when one day she is not there.

Thanks Berit, I understand completely what you say, I appreciate your reply. I hope life treats you kindly today.

Hi Tina,

Im so sorry that your going through so much hurt.
Honestly Tina, this was the worst part for me to deal with. My sister that visited my mum and helped with mums care was absolutely heartbroken as my Mum did the same to her. Even though she was close to my Mum. Its the illness. I have come to realise that this behaviour is common towards the closest loved ones. Mum would do the same to me but I wasn't around as much as my younger sisters. My sisters and I now believe its because Mum was pushing her away as she knew she would deal with her loss badly. The only advice I can give you is please just be patient, dont take to heart the hurtful words. They are just words. Speak to your siblings. Get them to share the care of your Mum more. Tell them how this is affecting you. Your already grieving.

You can do this Tina. You are stronger than you think. Running away would only shoulder more guilt for you. You say you have changed and not for the better? You need to get rid of any guilt. Tell yourself you did everything you possibly could. You need to take care of yourself and feel positive about being able to move on. None of this is your fault. I can't imagine how you are feeling after your husband and now having to care for your Mum in these circumstances but you have to have faith in yourself. Just do your best... dont take anything to heart... and know you are a strong person and can get through this.

Sasha x

Hello again Sasha
I truly hope you are holding up and coping as well as you can. I've just been reading your profile and my heart goes out to you with much compassion. You speak of how your loss has affected you and the difficult emotions you've been battling with and know how wretched these emotions feel. I'm in awe of you being able to offer words of comfort and guidance to others grieving whilst suffering yourself.
Mum goes to see the Dr tomorrow (Tuesday) for the results of the brain scan so I suppose we will know then. She can hardly remember getting the appointment or what it's for, so it's likely that it's Dementia. It's upsetting isn't it Sasha to witness the change in personality. I try not to get affected too badly but have to admit it's hard and it's been another bad day today.
I hope you are being looked after well, you sound a very caring person. I imagine the world seems a very strange place at the moment for you.
Sending thanks and warm regards to you x

Dementia is just not an illness, it's nightmare for both carer and the person you care for. I had the same experience because my wife had dementia at the end. I did get upset and angry too. She forgot appointments and lost things. It was not until a kind neighbour told me about how one of her parents had suffered like that I began to realise it's not them but the illness. The last thing my wife would have wanted was to cause problems. Yes, I do feel guilt. Looking back, which may be a big mistake, I realise that there was more in the way of understanding I could have done. But hindsight is all very well, but does nothing to help the guilt. I know she has forgiven me, she would have at once.
This is all so difficult and it seems part of the pain we have to bear in this process of grief. When I read posts on here about people in similar situations I realise I'm not alone in my mistakes, if that's what they were. So many regrets. But none solve the problem of this pain. It does improve. Little chinks of light appear then are gone, but they are there and I'm sure some light will eventually stay with me. I hope so.
Blessings to all.

Thank you Jonathan for those words.

We got the diagnosis yesterday of Alzheimer's Disease.
Mum went to the consultants office knowing she didn't feel right and from then on in came away with the knowledge that nothing will ever be right again. She said she wished she'd never known. I so wish I hadn't coerced her into having the scan when she didn't really want it. I didn't handle a similar situation that well with my Husband either where the opposite course of action was taken. It seems there is NO correct course of action. I don't think Mum will accept the medication, does it even help? Maybe I caused this Alzheimer's because I put her under strain by not being able to cope with my grief after losing my Husband. I suspect so.

It's too late to show repentance now, or make up for the harsh words we exchanged.

Thanks again for making your post.

Keep going.

In reply to Tina19

Hi. Tina. Thanks for your reply. Being diagnosed with Alzheimer's does not mean it will all go wrong at once. It is a progressive problem, but so many live with it and are often happy in their own world. I found after a time, and a lot of help, that to agree with whatever your loved one says is OK.
The Altimeters Society is a very useful place to go. They are so experienced in all the facets of this complaint.
Every individual will react differently. Memory loss is common, as is disorientation. No, it's extremely unlikely you were in any way the cause of the problem It's age. I think you were right to get an opinion. At least you now know what the problem is and can get help. Without knowing and 'going it alone' you would have been left wondering. In the end I found love and kindness can help a lot, and being patient too. Very difficult!
Just take it a day at a time with your mum. Good days bad days. It's bound to happen. Be grateful for the good days, and try and accept the not so good ones. Take care of yourself because you are the one she relies on. Blessings.

Hi Tina,

And Thank you for your kind words of support.
I feel your pain as being there with my Mum... at her worst... witnessing the changes... the deterioration. The lost vacant eyes and emotions... its been soul destroying. I wish I had done more... visited more but I cant change that now. Im trying to cope but it really is difficult.

I really feel for you and what you are going through. Its alot to deal with.

How did it go at the doctors?

Your in my thoughts and please stay strong

Sasha xx

Hi Sasha

Mum got an Alzheimer's diagnosis. The brain scan was confirmation. I didn't really expect it to be so. I expected the symptoms to have been caused by an unknown money stroke.

What you have written is so sad, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how distraught you feel and had felt during her illnesses but I understand I will find out as time goes on.

It's proving difficult as I'm the only one to shoulder the effects of her behaviour. I catch Mum on the phone to relative's and she's talking nice and fine. She speaks to my siblings nice and fine and at the doctor's appointments she's the typical nice elderly pleasant lady. But she is cruel beyond beyond belief with the things she says to me. I can try to deal with tempers and moods and aggression but the hurtful comments are on a completely different level. I have read in your posts similar instances with your dear mum and your siblings as well so maybe it's not unheard of.

Sorry to ramble on for so long.

Are the feelings you describe getting worse or do you get get times when you feel less in despair. You talk about feeling regret etc. Guilt and/or regret can at times be worse than grief. I know this because I still feel this following the loss of my Husband.

Do you like reading Sasha? I ask because there is an excellent website called "What's Your Grief" where you'll find some incredibly good little articles. I was always reading their posts at one stage.

I hope today is kind to you.
Thanks again for replying, it's appreciated.

Hello Jonathan
Thanks for your helpful reply, I nearly missed seeing it. Thanks, it's appreciated.
I will have a look at the website in more detail that you mention, I have briefly seen it previously.
I always read your posts in other threads when I see them, they are always so supportive and understanding. You sound a very empathetic person, I'm sorry to have read what's happened to you as well.
One minute life is either going so well or we are just plodding along nicely and then things happen and everything changes doesn't it and sometimes we feel we never really appreciated our good fortune as well as we could have done whilst we were living it. Maybe that's just me.
Sending you kindness Jonathan, and thanks again for replying.