He’s gone - I knew but didn’t do anything

I lost my dad this morning, his illness ended up being complicated with cancer, and his battle was very short, but I just knew he was dying but didn’t voice my concerns and I’m racked with guilt that his ending could have been kinder if I’d voiced my concerns. Seeing the fear in his eyes while he wasn’t sedated and fighting for each breath, and every time I close my eyes I just see him in his last moment.

It’s early days 8hrs in fact but I feel so out of control and shocked although I’ve been expecting it, everyone is shocked and thought he’d be coming home so no one ‘gets’ how I’m feeling. Again early days but just finding it cathartic to write down at the moment

In reply to EmmaR

Oh Emma, I am so sorry. The pain is awful and we all know, but please give yourself time. It's far to early to even think about recovery. We are all here for you and we all understand. There's not a lot I can say at this moment because words just don't do a lot.
You have come to the right place to share, so please come back when you want to unload or get some advice.
Guilt so often accompanies grief. The 'what ifs' come thick and fast. Hindsight is a deceiver. You did what you thought right at the time. We can all look back and see something we might have done better.
I feel your pain and I wish you well. No one can understand your pain because grief is such an individual experience. But on here we can imagine what it's like because we have all been there.
It is cathartic to write down how you feel. Any way of expressing emotion is good.
Now take care and please come back. If reading how others have coped helps, then why not. Blessings. You are in my prayers.

Jonathan has written exactly what I would have said. It sounds as if your dad had the same experience as my husband. The quick passing after so many years of fighting, the fight for breath, the fear, you expressed your own concerns, but you did all you could by being there to see him through it. Brave girl.

In reply to EmmaR

Even though my mum has passed almost 2 yrs, my dad and I, were having a conversation about her death the other day. He said he didnt think she was dying and then asked me, did I. I am ashamed to say that I lied and said, "no daddy, i thought she was just ill". I knew, not properly, but in my gut, i knew. It kills me to lie to my father, but I dont want him to feel he wasnt knowledgable of mum. Because he was the best huabamd amd father anyone could ask for.

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