Ho long before you feel better

Hi my mum passed away nearly two years ago and I still feel so raw it hurts most days. Does anybody else feel the same and when does it get easier xxx

Hi Fran. I’m not sure you do to be honest. My mum passed away in 2012 on her 81st birthday. 5 years after my Dad. My mum was amazing, as I’m sure yours was too. But, she didn’t hide the fact, the last year or so, that she was tired and ready to ‘go’.

I think of her most days, miss her every day and, try my best to remember she is now where she wanted to be enjoying the peaceful rest she deserves. I distinctly remember that being the first thought I had the moment she died too. I actually smiled in that moment because I was so happy for her. If someone had ever told me at any point in my life that is how I would react in that moment I would have thought they had lost the plot. It happened though. I’m often caught with the same thoughts when thinking of my mum. How happy I am for her. That doesn’t deter for a second my feelings of love and even desperation sometimes of missing her but it still makes me smile. I don’t miss her any less 7 years later and I could really do with her being here now especially because she would put all the feelings and thoughts and more desperation that I have, since the death of my husband, right into context and I just know she would help me like no one else can. Our mums are our mums are our mums, aren’t they. Regardless of our age or circumstances. How could anything or anyone ever help us live without them. Time can’t even do that. Not in my experience anyway.

I write these words realising once again just how lucky I am to think and feel this way about my mum. Many others can’t about theirs. I am lucky. Very lucky. That I am her daughter and, she is my mum.

I’m sorry that I can’t assure you that you will ever stop feeling the way you do. The cliche on this forum is often that we never get over our losses. We just learn to deal with them a little better as time goes by. I’m not sure I buy into that idea though personally but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen for others. I sincerely hope it happens for you. Eventually.

Sending you love and letting you know you’re not alone xx

Hi im so sorry for your loss it's heartbreaking I think fir some of us it never gets better I'll never be the same without my soulmate in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

In reply to cw13

My gosh cw, what a lovely message. Of course none of us can say to another how long grief will last. It depends on so many factors, most of which are beyond our control.
It's very touching the way you describe your mum. She must have been a very lovely lady. It is odd to some that we can actually smile in our grief. This doesn't take away the pain, but it shows that little spark of humour in a memory. My wife laughed a lot and could see the funny side of life even her own when she was unwell at the end. Although I was very worried at the time, she kept my head above water with her outlook on life. I think 'getting over' bereavement is a misnomer. My belief is that we can learn to live with the loss while trying to live again in our own way. Of course, memories will never cease, but we can see those memories as not so painful but more like reminders of happier days. It's possible to find peace and comfort, but we have to look for it. It won't just come to us without some effort. The pain is great, but if we can see it as an opportunity to help others with the love and empathy that only diversity can bring, then it could make life bearable again. Best wishes.

Thank you, Jonathan. I’m pretty sure I would have got along just fine with your wife. My humour is my sanity... more now than ever :)

Thank you for your reply xx as my mum brought my sister and I up on her own and did everything for us I know she wouldn’t want me to feel sad I have tried to be positive I even enrolled on an apprenticeship to be strong and get on with life which I finish next week xx I did it for my mum as she was a big believer in education xx hugs to all xx

She sounds amazing good luck with the course she'd be so proud of you take care of yourself in my thoughts Adele x

No problem hun take care of yourself as much as possible Adele x

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