I used to have two healthy legs

Exactly, 2 healthy legs. My father was one of my legs and my cousin the one that was like a sister for me, was my other leg. I used to walk fast, run towards my dreams, towards future, towards everything I wanted but I have lost my legs and now I don’t walk towards anything, instead I just hope that one day would be the last day. But I want 24h before that last day so I can break the chains that are keeping me from breathing. 24h so I can get rid of the heavy stones that I am dragging wherever I am going. Those 24 hours would allow me to use my last little bunch of happiness that I have left without guilt, with relief, with joy cause although I appear to seem very happy, bubbly, funny and care free to all my friends and relatives, deep down inside I crave the end that would have me finally free.

6 and half years ago my beloved father past away from lung cancer; he was 49, I wasn’t much present in the process of his last days as my mind was so shocked, I just couldn’t cope with seeing him dying. So instead I was there a few times and a bit before his last days. He was suffering like a dog, his life just became nothing and my life became just this pile of deep, dense dark. My mum wasn’t grieving, don’t even know if I should judge her or not, she is draining me so I need to keep her away. My brother an I never had a great relationship, haven’t seen him in 6 years nor I’m interested to see him.

My father’s death had me still and constantly numb, angry, furious, full of hate, I have never knew who I was hating.
I am still furious after 6 and half years. Why? Why after so long I am still so angry and furious? How can one live like that and where do I find the answer that I could use as tool to help myself?

My father died in February 2013 and in September 2014, 10 days after his birthday, my cousin died. She was 16, the only child and my only cousin from my parents brothers.

My grandmother found her dead, it wasn’t a suicide nor a murder but now after 5 years, I still don’t know why she died. Initially The autopsy didn’t reveal one single thing but then more test were done and the results came. My mum asked me not to ask the reason anymore and just respect their pain. So I did.

I felt like some slapped my right cheek and then my left cheek leaving me questioning everything.

Now I understand and found a reason for the “why?” question.
But what I don’t understand is why on God’s name, my grief feels so fresh? Why do I feel like my father and my cousin are dying every day? What am I doing wrong?

You know I cannot talk about them without feeling the need to get on the floor and scream?
I just feel like my grief is a monster that for awhile is wide awake and then falls asleep. When the monster is asleep, I can breathe a bit better but when he is awake, I am like now. I have been crying for the past 2 hours straight..

There is no one to tell these things, my grandmother says I should get over this already, my mum would say that I am crazy and that I should stop this behaviour, my friends don’t know what to say and absolutely none of them let me talk. None of them ever let me talk about this and if they did, after 30 minutes they became overwhelmed.
I could talk to the mother of my cousin because with her I can talk about grief but she is grieving, because she is defeated just like me. But I make her so sad and I fear ruining her day.

You know I get off of my bed every morning to go to work just so I can pay my rent ... if I would have had my own house, I wouldn’t even work, I need food, I don’t feel hunger, I don’t feel physical pain, I don’t need to see the sun, I just want to lay in my bed and sleep. I could sleep for years on end.

How do I make this stop? Why after so long I still haven’t come to terms with this?

In reply to anamarie

Hi anamarie,

I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your father and of your beloved cousin. Grief can be a long process but it sounds as though you are really struggling to move forward with your life and are feeling very angry and overwhelmed. When you say that you crave the end, does this mean that you have thoughts of suicide? It's really important to tell someone about these feelings, as bottling them up is one thing that can make grief last longer. I'm sorry that you feel you can't talk to the people in your life, and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

You deserve care and support so please, Anamarie, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,

Priscilla

Hi ana. I use that phrase a lot. I feel like my legs have been amputated yet I am still expecting to walk just so that everyone else feels better. I am totally paralysed by death of mummy age 69 in dec 18 . Time heals. Does it feck. I miss her more and more. Shocked. Exasperated. Devastated. Bewildered. All counsellors do is stare at you and look a bit worried then ask for £60. Is that supposed to be helpful ? My family’s only concern is that I am drinking too much and their lives are being impacted . Apparently living in a big house is supposed to mean I cannot suffer or be depressed. Am so sick of waking up each day to the crucifying realisation she is still gone. Will this never end.

I am so sorry for your loss:( I know what you feel... and I know that no one wants us depressed, no one wants us suffering or grieving. People who aren’t grieving won’t ever understand us.... I think it takes time but as for me there are so many years that went by, I am starting to lose hope that this feeling will ever ease up or just go away... don’t know...

In reply to anamarie

Hi. anamarie. You have been given excellent advice in regard to how you feel and what to do should you feel so bad you want to give up.
Those 'heavy stones' are grief which is a process we have to go through. Perhaps we need to feel the pain and learn from it. You feel angry and so hurt. I think most of us have felt angry, Why??? we ask. There is no obvious answer, but everything has a purpose. OK, I know, what I say or am going to say may not make much difference to how you feel.
Please try and avoid being hateful. It's a corrosive emotion as it obscures real feelings. Very few people are deliberately nasty, it's mostly because they don't know how to respond to grief. I didn't until now.
Talking with the mother of your cousin is good. I am sure she gets as much from it as you do. We must let our emotions and feeling free. 'Bottling up' is harmful as is 'going it alone'. There are so many willing to help, and I have found so much kindness and understanding. Not from everyone, but the difficult ones have been the exception.
If you feel anger it's because there are so many unanswered questions. You are angry with the world, it's apparent harshness and its cruelty. But being angry will only make grief worse, because it's such a negative emotion. Anger is not easy to dissipate. We need to express anger, but in a suitable environment like a counselling session.
You ask why, after so long, you still feel grief and emotionally drained. There is no time limit to grief. Anyone who says 'you should be over it by now' speaks from ignorance. It's not like the flu. You don't get over it just like that. No way!!
It's good to question, but mostly we question to find can't finds answers because none are available. This causes frustration which again is not helpful.
Why you haven't come to terms with it is maybe because you are fighting the feelings and emotions. This may not be so, but giving yourself permission to feel all the emotions associated with grief can help.
My wife died last November and I still have problems. But I always ask, would she have wanted this, me feeling so low? The answer always is no. You can't MAKE it stop. that's like trying to push a cork under water with one finger. It will always pop up somewhere else and cause further problems. But you can accept how things are. Go with it, the pain and anger and frustration. Don't fight it. Bend with the wind.
Bless you and keep posting. I will help to give a little relief, and so many want to help.

Thank you very much Jonathan... please trust that I am 100% aware of my feelings and where they stand. I will never ever be hateful and angry at people because of what I feel, I will never project my problems onto innocent people, it’s not in my blood. I’m almost 30, I have learned that no one is guilty of my problems and that not everyone will be able to wear my shoes and I stopped judging people for not being able to understand.
I ve pretty much never received help from anyone when it comes to grief and depression. I was depressed since teenage years but I am pretty sure that grief just heightened all the negative emotions I was already living with.
I was always able to help myself, there is something which I cannot explain... my negative feelings are always triggered, they’re never constant but when something triggers one feeling, all of them awake.

It’s such a strange thing...
But I do have moments when I feel like my feelings turn into this storm hitting from all sides and I just don’t know how to handle it.

I think that a part of what I feel it could be a matter of choice. But I don’t choose to suffer on purpose but it my be subconsciously a matter of choice.

I don’t know how to heal or what to do to heal, I could tackle what I feel, I can shut off all my feelings but what if they come back stronger and I transform into this human that no one wants to be around.. ?

You know, people really love being around me and at work in the office with all my girls which are all older than me, I feel so good and I am busy and we crack a joke (me a bit more and a swear word now and there which I shouldn’t:))) ) and it’s fun.
My colleague Maggie turned around and said to me “how come you’re always so happy?” ... and I felt like she punched me the face, for a split second I had no words and then I said “I am not always happy but I do enjoy a good laugh.”

Too many mixed feelings.

I am very sorry for your loss :( I wish lots and lots of strength

You sound really depressed hun. My counsellor told me that anger is suppressed emotions ... said I was just stuffing all my feelings down and putting a mask on to enable myself to just function and get through the days ... she said the anger was a result of all these emotions bubbling up like a pressure cooker and that I was afraid to let them out in case I couldn’t get that lid back in again! She was right .. one hundred percent right. I had lost both my adult sons at the ages of 33 and 36. On 29th April this year my husband/soulmate/rock died ... he was diagnosed and died in the hospice within eight weeks. It was so shocking and he went through a terrible time suffered pain and sickness. He had six peaceful comfortable days in that hospice and then he was gone. He was worried about leaving me on my own,not what was happening to him.

I am raging raging mad but that is because of what he went through and what I had to go through with him ... he was a good man, a kind man ... it’s so unfair. But this time I have let myself cry day and night. I miss him so so much. I want him back. Life is so awful.

I dont know if this helps you at all. I think you need counselling hun ... someone you can say anything you like to and let those feelings out. Your doctor can refer you. You may need medication to help you. For me I prefer not to have medication but we are all different. I hope you can find some peace ... sending hugs from me to you, Sue x

Thank you Sue x thank you very much x

I just feel like I ve never got the chance to say out loud what I feel. I did put it in writing but I wanna hear it too because this grief that I feel is making me lose my breath.

I would like to move forward but I don’t even know how to start.
That light at the end of the tunnel sounds so good but my tunnel feels like never ending and still dark.

I cannot wait for the day when i will be able to talk about them and not cry. That day would mean that my mind and heart has reached acceptance.

I would like to say that I am terribly sorry for your loss, I don’t know how you stand straight, you must be a very strong woman. With all my heart, I wish you well.
x

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