My dad died

Hello all. My dad died yesterday morning. My mum phoned me at work to say she couldn’t get any answer from the bathroom and the door was locked. I rushed there, went upstairs and broke the door down.

Really wished I hadn’t - they think he had a fatal heart attack on the toilet and was probably dead before hitting the floor. He had also smashed his face on the bath when falling forward. I knew he was gone when I broke down the door. His legs and body were all purple and when I was sobbing for him to wake up he was so cold and his face was so weird looking that I can’t get it out my mind. He must’ve been there a few hours.

He would’ve been 80 next week. He hasn’t been in the best of health for the last 10 years and I’ve been dreading ‘the call’ for as long as I can remember. I still thought that it would be a peaceful affair - gathered around bed, peaceful and all that, so I feel so lost that all I can think of is him lying on the floor, pants around ankles and his face looking like something from a horror film. I don’t feel angry towards my mum but my other 3 brothers got to find out with a phone call while I can’t get these images out my head.

Hi im so sorry for your horrendous loss it's utterly devastating it's six months and three weeks tomorrow afternoon since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes im so so sorry my loss is very different to yours but I feel your pain there's alot of people om here who will be able to help more with the loss of a parent in my thoughts and prayers take care of yourself as much as possible speak soon Adele x

In reply to Glenn

Hi Glenn,
I’m sorry to hear of your loss, it’s such a hard thing to witness.
Please make sure you take some time to look after yourself, you’re important too, although it can be easy to forget that.
I wish I could offer you some better words to comfort you, but If you need to talk I’m happy to listen. X

Hi Glenn,

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I just wanted to share that I do understand as I lost my dad in his bathroom. It is so undignified and death is far from how it appears in the films.

I know it is a cliche but I am thankful my dad did not have a long, drawn out and painful death so I try to look at it from his perspective now. Weeks later my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she was in such agony for a year before she died, again, not peacefully but with me by her side. I know my dad would have prefered to die quickly in his own home.

Over time, I still think about the final bathroom scene with my dad, but a lot less so. Positive memories about what a wonderful man he was are now the majority of my thoughts, and how much I miss him of course.

Telling people what I saw like you have here helped me a bit too. You dont need to deal with it alone. No point pretending to forget it, by being open, you will learn to deal with it better, I really do believe that.

Take care & keep talking.

Ann x

In reply to Glenn

Glenn,

What a terrible shock for you. My heart goes out to you and your family.

It sounds extremely traumatising and no wonder you can’t get the images of your head.

I’m not sure why it happens but my Mom and I both had flashbacks to my Dad’s dying days, the awfully named “death rattle”, him being so agitated and trying to rip his drips out, him looking nothing like my healthy Dad.

Perhaps it’s a way of processing things, I don’t know. I know with time that the funny, lovely memories start to come through and you try to forget the suffering and those horrible images.

Please take care and access any help you think you may require.

Sending love.

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