Only child coping with mum’s death

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In reply to rainey

Hi Rainey

That sounds positive that you could let tears out with your counsellor. They need to come out somehow. I really hope it helps. X

Yes it seems like only a minute ago I had grandparents, mum, dad, sister, dog and cat and so was part of an active family and one by one they have gone and no new members have arrived into the family. Now me and my dad.

Glad you seem to have started well with the counselling today. Sending supportive thoughts to you

Hi All,
Sorry to see so many messages it really is tough but it’s nice not to feel alone. I’ve also started a conversation in End of Life (Mum is dying) so if anyone wants to join in with that too please feel free.

I do feel Ann that you are already grieving for your Mum, I feel I did that with mine as I had a two year maximum timeframe for Mum and she made 23months but I’ve been calmer in general than I thought I’d be but I did so cuh grieving the past two years it’s just so sad.

Thinking of you all too - all of us only children. Not so alone now though thanks to everyone x

Hi All
Hope everyone has got through the week as best as possible.

Hi JayDee

Doesn't it help knowing there are other people out there who understand something of what you are going through. Thanks for reaching out.

I'm so tired this week. I have been caring for my mum for 7 months now and although I wouldn't want to do anything else, it is exhausting mentally. I feel so bad I have no time to dedicate to grieving my dad properly who died in May as I'm preoccupied grieving things I've already lost with my mum such as her mobility and dignity with the toilet etc.

I hope you have got through the week in one piece?

Ann x

In reply to rainey

Hi there. I have just been reading all these posts and wanted to add some comments. Firstly how are things now? I am an only child and my Dad passed away Dec '17 so just over a year ago. I still have my Mum who now has care three times a day as she has very limited mobility. It has been a very difficult year as you will appreciate as not only do you deal with your own grief but that of the surviving parent. I was very close to my Dad and Mum and I did not have the best of relationships. However I am now at the point where we are a lot closer as a result of all that has happened. I visit her at least twice a week sometimes staying overnight and although things are pretty good now the one thing I am noticing is that I do not laugh as much as I used to and do not have as much time for friends as I used to. There is no doubt life has changed so much but it is adapting to a new normal and not thinking too far ahead because I do worry how things will progress in the future as regards Mum's health but I cannot control that. So as an only child there is such a responsibility but I hope you are in a much better position now and we must keep well to be able to continue to help. Best Wishes and take care x

Hi Dolphin1

Lovely to hear from you. My dad died May 17 then I was thrown into caring for my mum who died in May 18. It's been an awful ride to be on but I do get a lot of comfort from the fact I did all I possibly could for my mum.

I hope you are getting enough help? I had some good advice in the middle of caring for my mum. Don't loik too far back or too far forward. I hope it helps you too.

Ann xx

Hi Ann, You more than anyone appreciate the circumstances and I am so sorry for your loss. As you say you take comfort from knowing you did all you can and I feel I am doing all I can but there is still that guilt 'could I be doing more?' For me it has been a bit of a rollercoaster because things have settled now but I am now feeling all the stress of last year and I have not been that well the last few days. This is the first time I have felt like this since Dad died so think things are just 'catching up with me' so I really need to focus and concentrate more on me and my health. Am going off to the sunshine in a coupe of weeks so that should help. I feel I am getting enough help and if I feel I need something else I will seek further support. I wish you all the best and if you ever need a listening ear it will be lovely to chat Lynne x

ps we have spoken before so it is great to hear from you xx

Hi Lynne

I do remember our chats here :)

I am glad you have some sunshine booked. Getting away from the routine helps in whatever you are going through.

Glad you feel like you have enough help too. I went on a sort of care melt down and one point before my mum moved into a nursing home and reached a point where my own health suffered so much. It was scary. I couldn't help myself or my mum so realised you do have to look after your own health too otherwise you are good for no one.

Your emotions about your dad are bound to catch up with you. I still feel I have focused so much more on my my mum and the grief for her while in reality I had a stronger bond with my dad while he was alive so it's odd to be grieving more for my mum. I think it is because I got to know her in a whole new way while I cared for her and my dad was 11 years older so it felt more natural that his time had come. My mum on the other hand was robbed of time. She had cared for my dad for 10 years then any quality time after my dad was stripped away and riddled with the most horrific pain and cancer. It just feels so unjust.

I think if you are a caring person, you will always feel that you could do more and guilt to some extent. When I feel like that, I remind myself I ended up in hospital by neglecting myself so I physically and mentally simply gave all I had. (I Ended up with Jaundice and a very poorly gallbladder due to stress and not looking after myself a couple of weeks before my mum died).

Take care and let the grief out about your dad as it happens. I really believe grief needs to come out otherwise it eats you up.

Here if you want to chat too.

Ann xx

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