17 1/2 weeks

Just need to share.
Why are things suddenly so much worse? I feel utterly defeated by life. Everything is too hard. Getting out of bed is too hard, never mind doing much of anything once I am up.
I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. I thought things were bad before but the last two weeks are on another scale. The thoughts of suicide as an option are back because really I cannot see any future for myself without my beautiful husband.
My whole adult life was spent with him and I was smitten and so was he. We did have an extraordinarily good marriage which I know is a relatively rare thing and people have said, “ ah, you were lucky because you had something so good for 24 years” but that just makes it worse not better. I lost a rare and beautiful thing. I pine for him all the time and I now re-live a lot of the horrors of his illness and death like a bad dream most days. I don’t even get to have nice dreams about him that I can remember in the morning. I can’t see anything positive and I’ve tried keeping busy but that just stressed me out as I can’t concentrate so I made a mess of the decorating I tried to do. Everything annoys me so I’m very short tempered too so that means I feel better avoiding people! I think I’m going down with the ship.

In reply to Belladoo

I was married to an intelligent, witty, beautiful, compassionate and caring woman for 44 years. We were an item for 49 years. It's excruciatingly painful to reflect on how much, and in how many ways, I miss her. But I have to accept that she is dead now. I know she would want me to live on and make the most of whatever time I have left. She wanted to live so much but couldn't. I would feel it massively disloyal to her to waste my life.
It's 26 weeks on Sunday since she died. Every day includes an element of struggle, an element of reflection and regret but it hasn't changed anything. Her ashes still sit on the sideboard.
We grieve in our own way and, hopefully, things become a little different as time passes. There's no optimum time scale.
I suppose it's a bit like bracing yourself against the storm. Many of the contributors on the forum express very similar sentiments and maybe you will get more relevant replies.
Hope you sleep well and it looks a little better tomorrow.

You won’t go down with the ship, Belladoo.
You are in a lifeboat - this forum.

Keep reading, keep posting - you’ll get better answers than mine.

In reply to Edwin

Edwin, what a perfect description of this forum...
Take not Belladoo, Edwin is right. You will survive, not in a way you possibly want but, eventually, in a way which is acceptable under the circumstances.

Yesterday, for me, it was day 600 AD (after David)...

In reply to Crazy Kate

That should say 'take note' ....

In reply to Belladoo

Hi
I think we all have bad thoughts and I don’t know how you stop them.
It’s 7 months since Margaret died she was ill for 3 weeks before she died and I can’t think of anything else only those last horrendous 3 weeks. Survival is all we can hope for at the minute as the future looks to bleak to even think about. I know I had a good marriage blessed with 3 wonderful children but I can’t seem to remember all the good times anymore just flashbacks to the last 3 weeks. Please take care and remember we are all in the same boat let’s hope it’s Edwins lifeboat.
William

Thank you all who responded. You’ll be pleased to hear I have had an improvement in my mood since the other day. I think part of it was PMT to be honest.
I still feel rubbish but I definitely am better than I was. We have now had four deaths in the extended family since my husband died in October so things are rather bleak for everyone. And we have several people within our circle who are facing serious illnesses. It’s all a bit depressing generally so I’m not surprised it gets me down.
I’m trying again with the decorating and trying to be more active and social.
It’s a strain to speak some days as you all know but you have to try.
This forum is really a godsend. Even if I only read what others have said it is helpful to realise how we are all experiencing the same feelings and challenges so thank you for being there.
Something I really struggle with is the shock of everything that’s happened over the last year and the premature death of a truly remarkable human who I loved beyond measure. How do you get over the shocked feeling? I talk to his picture and I have a cushion that has his photo printed on it that I can hug (best thing I bought ever). I say to him most days that I can’t believe he has gone and that he had to suffer so badly.
He’s so healthy looking on all the photos and they were taken when he was so ill. It’s completely incomprehensible to me. Does the shock feeling go over time? I rationally know he’s gone but it is so alien a concept that my brain can’t process it. It’s probabl a coping mechanism to stop me going mad! Tears are flowing again. Sorry. X

Dear William,
I really feel for you as I too know the horrors of reliving the bad memories but I’m told by those further down the line that the good memories come back and I am starting to try and force them out by looking at photos from events and happy occasions. I still find it incredibly sad as I know the good times are all in the past and that can be ‘dangerous ‘ to think about on days I’m feeling particularly bad so I don’t do it then. Talking with friends who shared those memories is a nice way to bring them forward too.
I hope you get some peace and good thoughts soon. X

In reply to Belladoo

Belladoo, i don't think the shock feeling does go. Some 20 months later and I still have moments of utter disbelief that my darling man has gone.

Damn! Maybe it’s less frequent? Although I’m probably clutching at straws....

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