coping with bereavement of my husband

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Hi I lost my husband of 45 years married, in September, and I am really struggling, I am lost, even though I have a loving family who I see and hear from regularly. They ask how I am and I say ok because they have busy lives with young children and responsibilities and they are dealing with their own grief.

I try to keep myself busy each day, even if its only wondering round the supermarket but have days when the tears flow all day and I just wonder what it is I am doing - I do go to bed and sleep but then wake up 3am and my mind is working overtime with the what ifs.....my husband died on holiday ... what if we had been here in uk would it have been any different.... I know probably not and I worry about making decisions on my own. I feel alone and so sad that we didnt have longer together, we were happy just doing nothing, pottering in the garden, doing the crossword etc we didnt need to go out and about but did enjoy our holidays, and he was my confidant. and we had a very humorous relationship, most days we had a laugh at things/events in the news and the like. My husband had heart problems and would have ended up on oxygen and probably house bound, and dependant on me which he would have hated. People say to think forward and do what I want now, but how? - I was happy with what I had. I have found a lot of the letters on this forum helpful, and thanks for reading this.
June

Hi June C
I am truly sorry for you loss I wish I could say something to ease your pain I think when we lose a loved one we all wonder what if .
I have three grown sons and I am back at my own home now I say the same when they ask I say yes I'm fine even when I've been sitting with tears running down my face .
I hope through this site and support from family and friends we will all get through this journey thinking of you .
Lily

Hi June

We all understand how you are feeling. I lost my husband in October. We had been together for 40 years. We spent every day together and like you enjoyed the simple things of life. It feels so scary now having to make all the decisions and do all the 'jobs' around the house.

I am in tears most days. I was today at the Optician. I saw someone in the waiting room who looked like my husband. I remembered when we were last there together.
I felt such pain and the tears came thick and fast. People are always so kind but I feel bad when 'I let myself down'.

I think we all have to put on an act for our family. They want us to be the way we were and can't deal with our suffering, maybe it's to painful for them.

Sorry I know my post is not very comforting but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. There are a lot of us who are feeling the same as you.

Yvonne

In reply to June.c.

Hi June
I’m so sorry for you loss, my husband Jack, had a fall and went into hospital on 16th November, on 28th the doctors told me he had terminal liver cancer, the shock was indescribable. He passed away on 6th December, I came back to my home last Friday (5th January), after spending over 4 weeks at my daughters. I haven’t slept properly for weeks, I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m so frightened and lonely here on my own, we were always together just the two of us. We’d been married 36yrs, I’m isolated where I live. I don’t drive, Jack used to take me out in the car. My daughter lives a few miles away, but she has her family and work.
Like you I feel lost, my daughter took me to town, I ended up in floods of tears as I remembered being there with my husband. Everywhere here there’s reminders of Jack, I feel your pain and I’m thinking of you and all the others in this awful situation. It does seem to help to know that others can understand what we are all going through.
Janet

Hi June
Like you it's all a roller coaster for me. If i can't sleep for thoughts flying around my head i get up and write them down .Then think a happy moment together to celebrate and back to bed

In reply to Lily

Dear Lily
Thank you so much for your comments, I gather you have lost your husband recently too. It is very hard but reading all the various comments on this site has made me realise that I am not on my own with the emotions and I hope you too can get through this.
June

Hi Scorpio
I am so sorry for you loss, its only a couple of months. I also was in a shop a few days ago and was with my granddaughter and I saw a man who looked like my husband from a distance and I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest. Fortunately my granddaughter didnt notice me going all wobbly and kept chattering away, which kept me from breaking down. I dont think you let yourself down when you feel sad, its not a tap you can turn on and off, I wish it was. I have had numerous times when I have been ok and then suddenly wanted to weep especially when I run into people who didnt know he had passed and then I get the ones that know and keep their distance, which I understand.

Like you say the family want us to cope and get on and we are all playing at it arent we - crazy. My sons talk to each other but dont say anything to me, but I know its hard for them.

I am thinking about you and thanks for responding, there does seem to be comfort in knowing someone understands totally.

June

Dear Janet

I am so sorry for your loss so recent as well, and I really feel for you. You, are still in shock as I am.When my husband died on holiday, and I had to come home alone , I took the decision to stay at my own home, my 2 sons live nearby anyway, although I knew it would be difficult, I still havent unpacked his case - cannt do it. In some ways its hard being here alone but in other ways I find it comforting that we had such a good life here and he loved this house.

I think you are expecting too much of yourself - why wouldnt you feel sad when you see his things, they can make you cry but also some things may make you smile, My husband had a thing about the spectacle cleaning sprays, they seem to be popping up everywhere.

You are right it does help when someone knows what you are going through Be patient with yourself.

June

In reply to bobt

Dear bobt

Thanks for your reply - thats a good idea - I will give it a try, I gather you have just lost your other half but its nice to know that someone understands.
June

In reply to June.c.

Dear June

Thank you for getting in touch, I’ve managed to get dressed, and had some lunch, not that I feel like eating much. It’s so strange cooking for one, I’ve been so used to cooking for the two of us. It’s the constant reminders that I can’t get used to. Like you I haven’t unpacked my husbands hospital bag, I can’t do it either. I think you’re right it is hard being here on my own, I’d been at my daughters for over 4 weeks living out of a bag, I came home last Friday. I’m thinking of you and it’s reassuring that I’m able to talk to you and others who are going through this awful time.

Janet

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