Emotional rollercoaster

Time to stop and think. I hate weekends as that has always been our time. Now I just find my self thinking about all the things we used to do and I look at my friends with their husbands and partners enjoying their time together and I feel so cheated and sad and just want to hide away and cry and feel sorry for myself. I wonder will I ever feel part of normal life again , right now I can’t imagine I will. Sometimes I want to fast forward my life a few years and see how I feel then, will things get better like everyone is telling me now?
My husband Steve died on 8th January this year but I watched him dying for three years. In the last year he suffered beyond belief. He had five primary cancers which spread to his bones and he became paralysed three months before he died. He was always a happy, strong kind and beautiful man we had been married 37 years with two gorgeous kids and four amazing grandkids, lots to live for. Life is so bloody cruel!
Sorry to go on but I am feeling emotional today. Hope you all have a peaceful day.x

Hi. Debtins.
I am so so sorry you feel as you do. It's pretty awful this grieving business. My wife died last November, but very slowly I am coming to terms with it. Platitudes are useless. People try to 'jolly us along', but however well intentioned it doesn't seem to ease the pain. A lot depends on our belief. I am not talking about religion although many get a lot of help from there. But a belief that death is never the end of anything where love is involved. We should never underestimate the power of love, not just for our loss but love and empathy for those who have passed and others who suffer. The loved ones still feel your love, or so I believe, and if we are upset and having a hard time they also feel bad. I always ask myself what my wife would have said to me now, and the answer comes through so often 'Don't worry about me, I'm fine. But please take care of yourself until we meet again'. I don't hear her voice, but the thought comes into my mind, and where else could it be?
There are dimensions of existence way beyond anything of which our minds can conceive. This earthly existence is just a small part of the journey into infinity. My wife wanted a burial and that's what we did. But rarely do I go to the graveside because I know she is not there. I look at the mound of earth and just feel numb. I know this would apply to her had I gone first. She would not have mourned like I do because she was an eternal optimist. She was psychic and saw and heard things that I never could. She more than convinced me that life does go on but on a different level. She hardly ever talked about it except to those who understood. She was not religious in the orthodox sense.
Yes, like is cruel, and it can overwhelm us if we allow it to do so. That little bit of light at the end of the dark wood is there. It may be obscured by the leaves of grief, but one day the leaves will part and the light gets brighter.
Take care. Blessings.

In reply to Debtins

Hi, I too watched my husband become weaker and suffer over time and it really is horrific and we now have a lifetime of memories of their suffering, it is so cruel. When I am feeling sorry for myself I wonder why any of us have to suffer for loving.
Grief is cruel, it has no mercy. We struggle to pick ourselves up but it kicks us back down again. For how long non of us know.
I have exactly the same feelings as you do. when will I get back to some sort of normality. Will the tears ever stop.
I wonder if it might be better if I could hide away also but I have two reasons not to do this and they are my lovely dogs. They give me great joy, love and company. Never come home to an empty house with the greetings I get from them.
So many of us are having a bad day today. I have kept busy all day but still struggling.
Take care and tomorrow is another day!!!!! Pat xxx

You are right Pat, I noticed how many particularly those further down the road are having a bad weekend.
Nearly 11 months for me and it's been as bad as the early days . I think it's the impending First year anniversary creeping up bringing it all back large again.
We can only forge onwards in hope of better days.
Xx

In reply to Sadone

That's exactly how I feel. I refuse to be beaten by this grief thingy. Wish I could take a pill and wake up feeling different though. Last week end did seem to be a bad one for some. At this stage of the journey no one want's to really know about us and how we feel. It's a good thing we have each other to 'talk' to and to just be able to say "No I don't feel very good today" or "I'm fed up of feeling like this". or "I'm actually still grieving as much as ever for my husband/wife/partner" or "No it hasn't got any easier with time" and so on and so on. Instead we walk about with a pleasant smile and seem alright to the outside world and family. Acting the part as usual. Thank goodness for you good people that understand. Bless Pat xxx

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