How do your waking nightmares present themselves to you, cw13 ?

Flashbacks ?

Are you able to talk about it here ?

Dear Collette, you will find strength from within to get you through this minute, hour and day. I know too well the overwhelming, all encompassing sadness you are experiencing. I hope your prayers are answered and you find peace soon. Maybe you have something practical that needs to be done later today or you have a meeting or company planned? I'm right here....kind wishes, x

I have more nightmares when awake. I can put an hour a day aside for crying and sobbing. I hate this new existence too. X

I've found that I if I devote myself to sitting and thinking then the outcome is going to be entirely predictable. In a way I think I have started to close my mind to certain things as a precautionary measure. I suppose it's an attempt to channel my grief into different directions and potential outcomes. It's an attempt to reframe things and by" attempt" I mean that it must be a conscious decision.
I wondered if sitting and invoking the powers of grief was a kind of self flagelation, a bit like meditation in reverse, the opposite of trying to still the mind. Like I've said before... Sticking pins into yourself is going to hurt.

Hi Edwin, no, it’s just the realisation all over again when I wake up and the thought of getting through another day.

My husband always did the supermarket shopping. The minority of men enjoy that I guess. But, he didn’t mind it at all, particularly since retirement when he had more time. I got so used to going to the fridge, cupboard, freezer and finding whatever it was I was wanting. Probably just something else I took for granted about him!

Today I thought I need to go and get some shopping. I went to the store he mostly always used to try and find the stuff he always bought. Heartbreaking experience. Now I’m back home I’m sobbing again. I guess God listened though. I did get the strength to do it, as horrendous as it was.

Just some more of the reality sinking in I suppose.

Hope your day is better than mine x

Thank you Rainbow. I’m trying my best to not just sit around and think, but achieving so little mostly. I’ve stuff I could do, but I don’t find the energy to do it. I just appear to be going through the motions with that awful emptiness and feeling sick and wondering what the hell this is all about.

I hope your day is ok today and thank you for your words xx

Hi yorkshirelad1950, I’ve read several of your responses on this site and they make me smile. Very matter of fact they appear to be. That reminds me of my husband. Say it as it is, as hard as it is to hear sometimes.

You make perfect sense to me. And yes, sticking pins in yourself is always going to hurt. You’re very right. My behaviour this past week has had some of that going on.

There are though some things I’ve done that are so painful but not sadistic like the pin thing, just the realisation kicking in yet again.

Thank you for your words though. I learn from them and appreciate them too. Please continue to give me your views. I’m listening to all the comments I receive because I know each of them are heartfelt x

Stevie, thank you for your comments. Knowing so many of us are in this place is somehow comforting. Although I’m sorry you feel the way that I do. ‘Existence’, that’s absolutely the word. I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. It sucks....x

In reply to cw13

Hi CW13
It's interesting that you've picked up on my approach as being matter of fact. I spent a lot of years working in learning development and change management and it was a almost a prerequisite to be able to cut through the mass of weight against change.
To be quite honest I often read my posts back and think they lack a bit in the way of social nicety.

Maybe so but, social nicety is all well and good but it’s the cold hard facts that speak the real truth, in my opinion.

My husband always spoke the no nonsense truth and rarely had the nicety approach. I loved that about him. Many husbands defend and agree with their wives simply because of that fact, they are their wife. Mine agreed with me when he agreed with me, and disagreed when he didn’t. A very fair and honest man. Consequently, when he did agree I knew what I was saying or doing was fair and right. I respected him so much for his loyalty and honesty on so many occasions.

Matter of fact everytime for me. Particularly when your responses to others posts are first hand experiences and intended to help... I appreciate them and I’m sure I speak for many others. Thanks