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In reply to cw13

I found I was calm at the funeral on the 28th January. 85 people attended. The days after I felt worse. I think the reality of my situation suddenly hit me. We are all different though. I send my thoughts and hugs to you

In reply to Christina47

I feel very unfixed today. Two years ago my mother, my aunt and my wife enjoyed each others company at Christmas and now they are all gone. My aunt was the oldest and she died 8 weeks after my wife. She moved to her house with my grandparents and after their deaths she lived alone there for 40 years. I've been visiting that house for 59 years and yesterday I spent time there going through things before the house clearance people come. As I locked the door for the final time I was so sad to realise how little I've been able to grieve for her and how wrong that felt.
I went to stay with one daughter just four days after my wife died, and then with another for longer eight weeks later. I have just two granddaughters and they live in Surrey and staying with them was so different to life with my 5 Northern grandsons. Coming home I think I was determined not to overthink it and make it a self fulfilling prophecy, and I was fine with it, almost glad to get home.

Thanks Yorkshire lad. I did stay with my daughter and my son straight after the funeral. I cried when I stayed with them but it felt good to be with family. I do need a break and my children say I am pushing myself too hard. I am an outgoing and happy person but My world and life feels over. Saying that I am trying to be positive and hopefully will feel okay on returning home. If I still worked that would give me some purpose, just do volunteering work once a week. Do you feel that time makes things a little easier..? Has it been easier for you with time

At the moment I like being at home. Although it’s the place where I miss my husband the most, up to now, simply because it feels so very empty and all wrong without him, somehow I feel the closest to him here. Probably because we both loved being at home. For all the times away holidays etc coming home was always a positive thing for us.

I remember clearly the last time he was here, and those thoughts are not the best, but I know that he would already be asking me why I was focusing on those rather than all the other amazing times we had. For that reason and for my own sanity I try my best not to do that. Although I won’t deny it has happened occasionally.

This home is ‘us’. And ‘us’ is what I cry for everyday. Although it is very quiet and empty and downright soulless right now, why would I not want to be here. Far too many beautiful days spent here and as hard as it is sometimes I absolutely refuse to let the last few weeks and months dominate my thoughts when prior to that time it was the best time of my life for so much longer.

Christina, soak up the love and support and time you are going to get with your break away staying with your family and regardless of the outcome on your return we will all be here waiting for you when you go back home. We are all united in the grief, and all that brings with it but, we are all also coping differently. What is necessary for one is not good for another, I guess. There could never be a right or wrong way. It’s only ever going to be us as individuals coping the only way we can.

Take care x

In reply to Christina47

That's quite a difficult question to answer.
My background is in psychology, learning development and the management of change. In effect I was well equipped to talk the talk, but could I walk the walk.
My wife had always encouraged me to develop my own interests. I retired at 52 and she wasn't going to let me disrupt her life, so she encouraged me(insisted) that I find things to do. All those things have stood me in good stead as I've picked them up again.
Looking back I can see I had a survival strategy. I challenged myself to do things. On Tuesday I'm going away for my 5th short break in a hotel. I walk all day. Its what we did and I'm getting better at it.
Going back to the question, I think time makes things different but presumably you've been here and have a better idea of how to live forward than I do. There's no perfect model is there. We try things and see what works, what distracts us and then what interests us and enthuses. I'm not sure on "better". It's a useless word sometimes.

In reply to cw13

I found the day of the funeral quite difficult but not as bad as I had anticipated. Its impossible not to overthink it and build up that sense of foreboding.
My two granddaughters fluttered around me like butterflies throughout the day and that is a strong memory. I was more distressed at the grief of my children. I had to look away.
As most people say it passes as a blur.
I hope it isn't too difficult for you and that you can be a strong as you can be. It's a strange feeling being supported by all that love and care. A lot of the time I just seemed to focus on nothingness, willing myself not to think. I wore her ring and touched it constantly.

Thank you. I put a very special ring on today too. Getting ready early hey. I must be.

I ask myself what’s the worst that can happen tomorrow. I fall in there with him. Or, is that the best...

In reply to cw13

That's not an option at the crematorium, thankfully.
You will find the strength. Absolutely no idea where it came from.

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