Probably I shouldn’t be laughing at your response. I’m not sorry that I am :)

Good. It made it worthwhile.

In reply to cw13

I absolutely agree cw13, our home is where I feel closest to my husband too. He's everywhere in this house through photos, mementos but more importantly in the things he did as in DIY etc. I visit his grave because I like it to look nice and we'll cared for but I don't feel him there at all. I have created a lovely area with a bench and planted a couple of trees and it's a pleasant place to sit but it's a memorial and that's all it is. I stand and look at his name on the headstone in utter disbelief. Xx

Kate I haven’t taken notice when it was you lost your husband. How long ago is it.

Now I’ve written it again, I hate that terminology I’ve taken to using ‘lost my husband’. Wish I had just ‘lost him’. I’d be out there now finding him. And, find him I would!!! xx

In reply to cw13

Dear cw13. It will be 20 whole months on the 19th of this month. I know what you mean about the term 'lost my husband' - no we haven't lost them. I know David is very much still with me and as I've said many times - my husband may have died but he's not dead!
Goodness knows where we find the strength to carry on but we do...

I shall think of you tomorrow cw13 and as YorkshireLad has said, it will probably pass by in a blur xx

Thank you. I’m sure you’re both right. Another surreal experience probably. I’ve had so many of those already.

I’ve already realised it can’t be any worse than today, or the day after it either.

I hope more than anything that mine continues to stay close to me as time progresses. I don’t suppose I give him any choice. He’s in my heart and I know he will always remain there. We don’t go anywhere, or do anything without our heart do we.

I read the ‘signs’ posts you spoke of on another post. Everyone makes me smile. I’m a reasonably intelligent person in general I think, and all I can say is, we alone know our husbands, wives or, whoever. Therefore, we alone know when a sign is a sign, regardless of what we may sound like to others. I’ve had one already. I’m sure I have. Even though it was on the day he died, I smiled for a split second.

He’s not left me. Not a chance. I have faith too that he never will. I also have faith that we will reunite one day. And no, I don’t have any real proof to back that statement up, neither do I have any real proof not to. I’m clinging on, literally, to my faith.

Thank you again for your kind words Kate x

I'm sure we will meet our loved ones again. Some reading to do I think. Xx

Over my lifetime I have been apprehensive about funerals, though I have come to realize that for many people they are cathartic. Frightening to anticipate, painful to go through, but a sense of relief afterwards.

It was different with Eileen; I found myself looking forward to the opportunity to do honour to her. The men of the family bore her woven, flower and ivy-strewn coffin to a full church, I gave a long eulogy which drew applause (for her, not for me) her dogs were there, and (I found out later) other people brought theirs too. Eileen would have been pleased, I hope.

In reply to Edwin

With the benefit of hindsight I think that's really important. To be a big part of things rather than an onlooker as I now see that I was. I was far too scared of how much power my grief could exert, and my ability to deal with it.