Guilt

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A little while ago the grief ,anger, and guilt hit me all of a sudden and I couldn't stop sobbing.
I went over the whole nightmare experience of my partners sudden death.
First of all guilt that I didn't call the emergency services quickly enough, hatred for the neighbour who didn't stay in the road as asked waiting to direct the ambulance. This meant I had to leave my dying partners side to run down a track to the road, precious minutes lost.
I just had to type this to rid myself of this anger and self loathing.
Are all these usual reactions to this horrendous situation?
I feel guilty for what I didn't do and feeling such hatred, I'm so ashamed of my reactions.

When loosing somebody I believe it doesn’t matter what emotions you feel because they are all normal for the situation you are in and your mind and body’s way of reacting. I get very very angry too some times and feel guilt. When on the phone to the ambulance I was in the middle of doing CPR and they told me to leave my partner and run down stairs and open the door for when the paramedics came. I look back and feel terrible for leaving him even for a few seconds. We will all if and but, because we have and are experiencing something so terrible. Just remember at the time you would of done your best you possibly could xxxx

Thank you Chloe, deep down I know I'm being unreasonable and trying to blame everyone for this sudden loss whereas there was probably nothing that could have saved him by that time. The grief is overwhelming.
X

All the emotions you are feeling is totally normal. I also feel sad, angry when you see any couples and guilt when i gave my partner CPR that I wasn't doing it properly. We are in shock especially when it's so sudden.

I think guilt is one of the many emotions that the bereaved go through; I’m struggling to cope with all of them but it helps to read that others are going through the same emotions. Multiple guilt for me - why didn’t we push for more treatment/alternative therapies, why didn’t I realise he was deteriorating, not just having a bad day; should I have stayed with him 24/7; did I comfort him enough at the end? Things I’ll never know the answer to, but on bad days it tortures your mind.

In reply to Dinxp

Your right it is torture when you think should have, could have , and it replays in the mind over and over.
Although it's almost a relief to know your not the only one going through the same emotions at the same time I wish no one felt this way.

Guilt has played such a hard part of my grief. Looking at the last photo I have of my wife I think how did I not see she was losing so much weight. Why did I not question her lack of appetititewhy did I not take the start of her stay in hospital seriously. So many things run through my mind. I punished my self by not eating, losing two stone I 10 weeks was my way of hurting myself. I'm still after 12 weeks only eating minimal. I cry when I eat I don't want to eat, but I have to. What's going on xx

In reply to Stevie wee

Stevie my heart goes out to you.
With me it's all why didn't I do this and what if's, with hindsight I feel there was so much more I could have done but would my amazing partner have wanted me to dwell on what if's...I don't think so.
Grieving is such a new and terrible experience but something that has helped me is just posting my feelings on line and being understood by others.
Xx

A sense of guilt and of self-loathing have been a driving force with me throughout much of my adult life. Inevitably it is all
So much worse since Eileen died, and my guilt feelings now don’t just revolve around the events and circumstances surrounding her death - whoops, crying now - but I get rotten flashbacks to incidents and behaviour over more than fifty years where I failed her, or simply failed to appreciate her.
She was far too good for the likes of me

I think we all look back and wonder what ifs. Trying in someway to blame ourselves for what happened to our loved ones. In reality could I have changed anything, I don't think so. But it's this guilt that blocks the good memories coming through. As you say hind sight is a curse in a way. Xxxx

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