How do I carry on?

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It is a very different life now as you can understand. When you are with someone 24/7 it is constant companionship, then nothing when they go. I would not have changed a single day though apart from I would not have him unwell and we would have had more time together.
He gave me so much ( not possession wise ) but love and showed me a much happier and better life. I had never travelled before meeting him and he was keen on travel and showed me so many places.
We did not have much spare money but we had each other and around him I could be me. Family can be a good thing at times but I think you are finding the same as me. They do not really know how we are feeling and it is not easy to explain, or get them to understand. I have found my dad to be the best, he gives me space but pops by just on the of chance I might be in very occasionally. He also encourages me to be open with how I feel. My mum is the opposite, she does not understand and pushes too hard to do things I can't do yet. I agree a kind word or gesture can make the day seem abit better and as if you are not alone.
I find that family can never truly understand the bond you have with that person. It seems like your family do not know how to help you like my mum with me. I'm afraid I tend to get abit snappy with my mum. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it and say things that upset her, so you are not on your own on that one.
If I summed my life up I would say I was only half the person I was, because I gave my heart to Alan to look after when he died. I now just feel empty but I don't really care much about carrying on without him. I just want to be with him and I will be again at some point in my life, of that I'm sure.
I do hope you find the counselling helps you on Wednesday. I'm going to give counselling a go but think I will wait another month before going back to work. I'm abit worried I might start crying in the middle of a job interview, not a good look!.
Take care
Emma

I find it very lonely even with family and it's just me but I can't get feel much comfort from them at the moment. It's my fault not theirs I think. You would think that having family is a good thing and sometimes it is. On the other hand it depends in circumstances like this how they can deal with things makes a big difference . As you have probably picked up from my posts my family are not quite sure what to do.
The trouble is they can't give me back what I really want nobody can. They also have there own lives and committments which I don't want to intrude on.
Believe me you can be just as lonely with family as without. The doctor said I have to let family help me through this. If I can't connect with them how can they help me?. I don't mean to sound selfish I know I'm lucky in a way, but at the moment I cope better on my own or with a good friend I once worked with.
I can be myself with her and I can say anything to her. She helps me to calm down and put it in perspective. When I told my mum I speak to my friend everyday she asked what she had that my family had not?, and got upset with me. I don't know the answer to that just she understands!.
I try to make myself go out but it does not always happen. After yesterday I stayed in on my own all day as was very tearful again. It was a weekend my husband was in hospital and he died early on the Monday morning. I now have weekends and mondays. This is when I feel at my lowest.
It will be four weeks on Wednesday and I'm at the job centre, that will be interesting. I'm always here to talk to if you need.
Take care
Emma
I

In reply to Yemmy

Hello Emma thank you for your reply. When you talk about your Alan its as though I'm talking about my Alan. I wouldn't change anything about him in the forty odd years I've known him. He was such a hard working man, at work until he retired at 72 and in the home doing everything whilst I was at work, to allow us to be out together the 4 days I was not working. He cared for me and showed me so much love. We had many wonderful holidays together travelling in our motorhome. I never thought the last time we were in it last July would be our last time in it. Our family didn't have a lot of time for us when Alan was alive. We would always have to be the ones to take the presents out, never the other way round. They were never interested when you'd been on holiday, telling them where you'd been or showing photos. they just weren't interested so I don't know why i'm surprised about their attitude now. Sent my eldest son a text the other day telling him about my youngest son not wanting to speak to me anymore, and generally telling him how I felt and all I wanted was a little support. He text me back saying he would definitely come and see me at the weekend but he hasn't been, but I'm not surprised at that either because he's always saying it. It hurts so much to be cut off just when you need them most. Been a very long day today although I didn't get up until gone 12. It has dragged and I have been quite teary. I also don't want to carry on without him. I know for a fact if I had the guts I wouldn't be hear now. I went for 2 days without food and drink hoping I would just fade away but obviously it takes more than that. Can't wait for the day when i'll be with my Alan again. Good luck whenever you go job hunting but I wouldn't rush if I were you. Hopefully the counselling will be some help. Thank you for listening. lots of hugs Janet xx

I have just read these post & feel so sad I can't reply at the moment as I am very sad today . I have put a like on all the messages so you know I am thinking of you all x

Morning Janet
I'm sorry to hear what your son's did. I know it hurts when they are meant to be family but just remember we are all here to talk to. You are never alone. Just don't let them upset you, they are not worth getting upset over. Look after you now not them as it sounds like that's what they are doing.
I do hope the counselling might be able to give you a little bit of support, and may be able to help with some suggestions on how to deal with it.
When Alan died I could not eat anything or drink hardly at all for a week. I dropped over a stone and was only about 11 stone anyway. Unfortunately I'm still here so no two days is not enough. I did not do it purposely, I just felt sick all the time and felt like I did not deserve to eat. I think I was thinking I could join him deep down. It was a similar reaction I had to when my grandad who I adored and never hardly left his side died. I helped look after him from the age of ten to fifteen and he had Alzheimer's. It was sad to watch but we kept him at home pretty much to the end when he started falling. I was lucky though to have him in my life from being a baby and getting to know him. I was not encouraged to grieve for him but just to put myself into school and exams, then college. It was not the right choice. My mum was the main one at home and you can see how she is with my grief over Alan, not good. I suppose I should have remembered her reaction to grief back then. My dad worked alot and my brother and sister were too young. I had support from a couple of good friends and that was about all I really had.
The sad thing is that both Alan and my grandad died at the same age of 71. I was younger by a fair few years than Alan but that did not change our love. My grandad died on the 6 th of June and Alan on the 24th of June, both the men who meant so much to me in the same month. I think I might have to skip that month next year, Alan was a big support as he knew how much my grandad meant to me. It's been 24 years since he died and I never got over that I don't think but Alan understood.
Today is 4 weeks since I held Alan's hand as he died. I've had tears at 5 am this morning but I'm sure there will be more later.
I am being dragged out of the house today whether I want to or not my friend told me.
She is insistent on needing my help with a few things. I think it's a ploy really but she is not taking no for an answer so I guess I'm helping!. I know she is trying to help and understands so I don't mind.
I never left the house yesterday, could hardly even be bothered to move until about two o clock in the afternoon. I had no reason and purpose for moving. Then I got a phone call of my friend who told me off in a good natured way. It made me move, eat and try to look after myself a little bit. I don't know what I'd do without her some days!.
Try to have a better day today. Always here to listen, anytime. Big hugs back to you.
Xx

In reply to Yemmy

Hello Emma I do try to not let them upset me but unfortunately we are vulnerable and weak a lot of the time whilst we are grieving. I can manage a day then I get all teary wishing they would contact me. My weight dropped from nearly 11 stone to just over 8 so most of my clothes do not fit me now. Alan had been poorly from late November and the gp just kept giving him antibiotics. Half way through December I asked if he could be referred to hospital as his weight had plummeted from just over 11 stone to just over 8. He had a terrible cough a nose that wouldn't stop running, he was stressed, had anxiety, wasn't eating properly, had been diagnosed with copd, prostate cancer and non-hodgkins lymphoma, and the gp asked my why did I want him referring to hospital. Anyway he wouldn't refer him, which I feel bitter about, and wasn't admitted until January 8th, and that was only because he had an appointment with his cancer consultant. As soon as he saw Alan he said we'll get you a bed for a few days, but he never came out and died on 4th May. Everyday I visited and would spend 8 to 10 hours there. Trying my best to feed him but he did some bizarre things. He would cover his head up a lot with sheets. Say and do strange things. Never really got a proper diagnosis. When he did eat it would take about 2 hours just to get a bit of food down. They tried to insert a nasal tube for feeding him but he fought them off so they gave up. He fell while he was in there and it was the only day that I was late getting there because I was having a new boiler fitted. From that day he very rarely got out of bed because they don't like them to if they've fallen so his muscles wasted away. Before that I would walk him up and down the corridor. This was a man that was very fit for his age. We'd been to Scotland in October and done a fair bit of walking. Everyone used to say how fit and well he looked and couldn't believe he had 2 types of cancer. I haven't had a very good weekend and today been no better. I wish someone would come and drag me out of the house i'm sure I would feel much better for it. There is all sorts for doing in the house but like you say whats the point and can you be bothered. I find the best time to be night when the world is still and quiet and you don't yearn to be elsewhere. I do eat but not as much as I used to do and I sleep ok. but the days are so long and never ending. Life seems to revolve around sleeping, having a bit of food and washing the pots. Wash and iron occasionally. Hoover up occasionally. Do some gardening when I feel like it. But sit about a lot thinking of my Alan and what we'd be doing if he was here. Walking about in the sunshine in some nice small town or village. Hope you had a good day with your very good friend but it probably left you in tears once you got back. Thanks for listening. Take care. Lots of hugs Janet xxx

Hello Janet
It sounds like the hospital did not take his illness very seriously. I know how upsetting it was watching my Alan and can only imagine how you were feeling.
Your days revolve in a similar way to mine. I have spoken to the doctor today who agreed I needed extra time to get myself settled before looking for work.
As I guessed my friend was just trying to get me out the house. We did succeed in getting her a budgie though which I know she wanted.
Yes I was in tears when I got home as it is four weeks today I lost Alan. The funeral directors phoned to say I can collect his ashes tomorrow. I'm glad I can bring him home but am afraid it's going to make me realise it is so final. He's really gone, here come the tears again.
When I go out I try to imagine Alan is with me. In a way he is in my heart so where I go he goes. Your Alan is always in your heart too, of this I'm sure.
Always here to listen.
Big hugs back to you
Emma xxx

In reply to Yemmy

Hello Emma Alan had plenty of scans and all sorts of different tests done but I don't think they ever really knew what it was. I would get home about 9 in the evening and try to find answers on the internet but there are so many illnesses with very similar symptoms. I did mention paraneoplastic syndrome to the doctors, something to do with the central nervous system and strangely enough that along with pneumonia was on his death certificate. Apparentely there's not a lot of doctors know much about that as its quite rare. I only collected Alans ashes last Friday although they'd been there quite a while. Yes our Alans will always be in our hearts and minds. Wouldn't want it any other way, but could do without the sadness and heartbreak all the time. Thank you for listening and have a restful night. Lots of hugs Janet xxx

I agree we could do without the sadness and heartbreak all the time. Hope you have a restful night too.
Nights are the worst for me as I don't sleep but I will try. Goodnight for now.
Always happy to listen and talk
Xxx

In reply to Yemmy

Hope all went well for you today when you picked up Alans ashes. I went out with my friend. I feel a bit guilty though as she is bad on her feet and walks with a frame but I find it really difficult walking at her pace. It tends to give me backache. We had a bite to eat and drink and walked around looking in the charity shops. It made a pleasant change for me and I actually was alright when I got home. I think its when i'm in the house day after day thinking about Alan and how horrible my family are. Anyway I hope your day wasn't to stressful. Speak soon. Big hug. Janet xx

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