I am 52 and lost my lovely husband just over 10 weeks ago after a very short illness. Yesterday my sister and niece invited me out for cocktails in the evening, which was lovely, but why did I feel so guilty and disloyal to George just by going out. I sat down and 'spoke' to him before I went telling him that I would much rather it be us two at home just like it used to be. Why does it all feel so wrong getting ready and going out, and yet somehow I have to carry on living as well? How are you all coping with this? Maybe it is all still too raw for me at the moment, as all I wanted was to get home to the safety of my home and all my memories of the man I love and so desperately want back xx
How do you carry on living?
I completely understand the problem.
My way of dealing with it was to sit down with a pen and paper and try to work out a formula as to how to measure how much benefit was derived from a quantity of guilt and feelings of disloyalty. However much I tried to perfect the calculation the answer was always zero. So then I tried to calculate the degree of difference my feelings were making and, again, it was zero. Surely all that thinking about it deserved more than that.
Debra, I lost my husband 11 days ago. I went out last night to a pub he seldom frequented lately but, he always liked, for some food and a glass of wine. I can’t say I enjoyed myself, not at all, neither can I say I didn’t. I was just there. Eating, and quietly chatting. I felt better, if only psychologically, that I had eaten some ‘real’ food for the first time, instead of half a sandwich or a slice of toast etc.
I hate coming home and he’s not here. But that’s the case regardless of the time of day and wherever it is I’ve been. Equally, I feel closer to him here, although it’s here I miss him the most, up to now.
I can only say don’t overthink those things. Whatever I do or, don’t do I’m merely existing. Others may see me living, but living isn’t what I’d call it, not for a second.
Your husband knows. He just knows. Just as I guess he always did when he was here. I’m sure he doesn’t want you explaining your actions to him. He knows Debra. Just like he always did. I’m sure mine does too xx
I know, coming home can be as hard as anything else. George would often pick me up if I went out. A couple of days after his funeral, I went to a leaving do at work. Driving home I sobbed my eyes out because I realised he would not be there. It is just so hard doing things that are meant to be enjoyable without them, but we have to live some kind of life, even though it feels like only existing at the moment xx