How do you carry on living?


I am 52 and lost my lovely husband just over 10 weeks ago after a very short illness. Yesterday my sister and niece invited me out for cocktails in the evening, which was lovely, but why did I feel so guilty and disloyal to George just by going out. I sat down and 'spoke' to him before I went telling him that I would much rather it be us two at home just like it used to be. Why does it all feel so wrong getting ready and going out, and yet somehow I have to carry on living as well? How are you all coping with this? Maybe it is all still too raw for me at the moment, as all I wanted was to get home to the safety of my home and all my memories of the man I love and so desperately want back xx

I completely understand the problem.
My way of dealing with it was to sit down with a pen and paper and try to work out a formula as to how to measure how much benefit was derived from a quantity of guilt and feelings of disloyalty. However much I tried to perfect the calculation the answer was always zero. So then I tried to calculate the degree of difference my feelings were making and, again, it was zero. Surely all that thinking about it deserved more than that.

Debra, I lost my husband 11 days ago. I went out last night to a pub he seldom frequented lately but, he always liked, for some food and a glass of wine. I can’t say I enjoyed myself, not at all, neither can I say I didn’t. I was just there. Eating, and quietly chatting. I felt better, if only psychologically, that I had eaten some ‘real’ food for the first time, instead of half a sandwich or a slice of toast etc.

I hate coming home and he’s not here. But that’s the case regardless of the time of day and wherever it is I’ve been. Equally, I feel closer to him here, although it’s here I miss him the most, up to now.

I can only say don’t overthink those things. Whatever I do or, don’t do I’m merely existing. Others may see me living, but living isn’t what I’d call it, not for a second.

Your husband knows. He just knows. Just as I guess he always did when he was here. I’m sure he doesn’t want you explaining your actions to him. He knows Debra. Just like he always did. I’m sure mine does too xx

In reply to cw13

I know, coming home can be as hard as anything else. George would often pick me up if I went out. A couple of days after his funeral, I went to a leaving do at work. Driving home I sobbed my eyes out because I realised he would not be there. It is just so hard doing things that are meant to be enjoyable without them, but we have to live some kind of life, even though it feels like only existing at the moment xx

In reply to Debra27

Hi I am also 52 and lost my husband on the 1st of February of this year with cancer.
I know exactly where your coming from as I feel exactly the same way.
I was never one for going out with friends as I was content with being with my husband. Now I feel I have to make an effort to go out even though my heart isn't in it.

Oh Bonnie it is very early days for you too. I am so sorry too hear of your loss. Like you I was not one for going out with friends, and was content to be at home with George. He was my best friend. I know we have to make some effort and to carry on with life in whatever for it takes, but I would much rather stay at home with my memories and where I feel George and also feel safe xx

In reply to Debra27

I thought it was only me that felt such guilt at doing things and struggling because my husband couldn't do the things he liked doing. What right had I to be carrying on with my interests. I love rambling and tell myself this is acceptable as I have the dogs and he would want them to go out for their walks. He certainly wanted me to keep our allotments up together, but it seems so unfair. We did everything together and I have to convince myself that it's O.K. for me to still carry on without him.

I feel guilty doing things as well. I feel guilty I'm still here and Denise is not. I feel stupid doing things in the house, in the garden, why is it important now. The most important love of my life has been taken so what is the point in it all. No one to share it with. The lovely weather at the moment seems to make it worse. Guilt of being alive feeling the sun hearing the kids having fun. Just makes me miss her more. Xx

Stevie, don’t feel guilty at still being here whilst Denise is not. Would you really want her to be left behind, and to be suffering like you - and I - are going through ? It’s a tough bullet - take it for her.

Clean the house, do the garden for her, as she would want.
I am trying so hard to have the lovely floral display that Eileen managed to produce every year, so much that people, strangers, used to come and photograph the house. I haven’t a bloody clue about gardening, but I am going to do my best.

your right Edwin it's a hard bullet to take. It's harder for us left behind I suppose. Cheer Edwin