It will never be easy.

Hello everyone,

I have been reading all your posts and have not been commenting as much, as I feel as if I don't have much to say.

No-one wants to read that you won't be feeling normal after a few weeks or months of losing your loved one, everyone wants to read that in 12 months time you will all have got through the worst time of your lives. Take it from me, you wont, in fact, you are only starting to grieve, the first year passes in a daze of longing and wanting your loved one back and trying to make sense of it all, but the second year everything becomes real, no, they are not coming back, no, you will never see them again and yes, you now have to face a future on your own. I know this is a harsh thing to say, but it is true. I have had four years of it.

When I first lost Peter four years ago, I honestly thought that I would be able to cope on my own, I had nursed him for three years, twenty four hours a day before he died, so I knew what was coming, even though I didn't know when, but when he died, my whole world fell apart, the fun loving young girl and woman who had loved the young 18 year old boy from the day they met 50 years before died inside.

I did all the things I was expected to do in the first year and honestly thought that when it was all sorted out, I could start to get my mind into gear and start planning this new life I had now been given, I was wrong, this was no life without Peter, it was just an existence I had to get through day by day. When I started to think about it, all I could see was a future that did not mean a thing to me without Peter, the past became important to me because that was where my happiness was, there was nothing in the future for me anymore. It took me 2.1/2 years to sort his clothes out because I thought he would come back home one day, he didn't.

I think if you have family living with you it helps enormously, but there is always someone missing. When you live alone, you are there 24 hours a day just thinking, what now, what is there left for me.

I never believed in keeping busy to take my mind off things, why would I want to forget what had happened, Peter was my whole life and he deserved me to grieve for him. I go out when I want to. I have started to go for facials, and massages, I used to do that when Peter was fit and well. I buy clothes, makeup, perfume etc. as I refuse to let myself 'go', but I have to come home again to an empty house, yes all the lights are on, the heating is on, but there is no-one there to say, "hello love, have you enjoyed yourself".

I have learned to live my new life to the best of my ability, but the excitement and looking forward to something has gone, I take things in my stride and live day to day.
If I live another 20 years, there is no way I will ever stop missing Peter, he was my whole life, for most of my life and without him everything seems so pointless.

It is the young ones on the forum that I feel for, the ones with young children, having to deal with their children's grief as well as their own. I was one of the lucky ones, I have millions of memories, hundred's of photos and knew I was loved by the most wonderful man.

Lots of love to you all.

Sheila xx

In reply to Lonely

Dear Sheila, I understand what you are saying, no one does want to read you won't be feeling normal after a few weeks or months..... I have to say I have read quite a few of your replies on this forum and you have also kindly taken time to respond to my contributions.
I have always found your comments helpful, understanding and truthful.
Just to know that someone is listening who truly understands how you are feeling, and has found the time to reply, has given me comfort and I'm sure there are others who agree.
Thank You Shelia

Dear After You,

Thank you so much, that means such a lot. I think I am one of the few people on the forums that have been without their partner for over four years now.

It does get easier as you learn to live on your own, but you will never accept, or even like it, but there is nothing we can do about it. You do live in the past such a lot, I do, because that is where my happiness was, even as a child, I had wonderful parents and
a sister who all sadly died so many years ago, so when my Peter died, I was the last woman standing from my past, and to not be able to speak to anyone about my life when I was young, hurts. My future now is just getting through each day, I do my best to keep positive for our family's sake, but there is always that underlying sadness because I never, ever thought I would have to spend the rest of my life without my Peter.

I have two sons and four grandchildren, I don't see two of our young grandsons because of one of our son's evil ex wife so that is another loss. I take life as it comes, if I want to go out I do, if I don't want to go out, I don't. There is no-one to please but myself, no-one knows when I go out or even if I come home again.

I get text's from our sons now and again, but sometimes I can go a week or even more without speaking to anyone if the weather is too bad to go out.

Nothing bothers me anymore, all I hope is for my sons and grandchildren to keep healthy.

Pleae take care,

Love

Sheila xx

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