It's to be expected, but..


I know, after the things that have been said on this site, that there are days when grief hits with sudden devastating impact.
Today is another of those days.
I went out shopping for a while then tried to keep myself busy using a new chainsaw just because, for some reason, I didn't want to go indoors to an empty house.
There's only so much wood you can chop up without disturbing neighbours though.
All to no avail today.
Just came in and burst into tears! All I wanted was to see him sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee in hand as I wittered on.
I think of all those people in the supermarket that I passed who may well be in the same position but stay strong so they too can face the world so I know I shouldn't be so pathetic.
Today is a bad day, a really bad day and I'm so sorry to bore you all but there's noone I can talk to who would even understand.
Thank you for listening.

My mum died 6 weeks ago. And my dad finds certain times of the day really difficult. For example he hates being at home between 5pm and 8pm. When he and mum would have dinner and settle down to Corrie. So he goes out he wanders aimlessly maybe finding a garden centre to sit and have a cup of tea in. Sometimes he might have dinner there. You won’t see him cry. He does that at home alone. But he feels the same as you. You are most certainly not alone. I live 250 miles from dad. He is staying with me this weekend. I worry about him so much. But he says “nothing you can do. I’m lonely and sad and no one can help but mum”. It’s heart breaking

Thank you for your reply Jooles 45
It has now been nine months since my husband died and all I can say is that it does get a little easier as time goes on.
It's just that at times the grief is overwhelming all of a sudden with out any known trigger. Today was a very bad day.
It is so recent for your father, and it must be hard for you living so far away from him knowing how deeply he is grieving for your mother.
I have no advice as each person copes in their own way.
This site has helped me get through the last few months and I am so grateful to those who responded when I reached out.

It’s a long hard road isn’t it. I moved away a year ago. To give my children a better life. We lived near London and I no longer felt safe anymore with the knife crime. My daughter was badly bullied. So we moved to Cornwall. Mum and dad so happy for us and thinking of moving here. But now it’s just all changed and dad doesn’t want to leave the house he had with mum. Which I understand. I’m sure you will have days like that probably forever. As the saying goes. Grief is the price we pay for love

Hi, sorry you was having a bad day on Friday and that I'm a bit late replying. Computer crashed on Friday which caused me to have a frustrating day also trying to get the damn thing working again. Sent for my grandson and when he arrived today the thing came on alright and he couldn't understand why I was having a problem. When things like this happen I think of it as Brian messing me about as he hated his things messed with and wouldn't let me sort anything out, he had to do it, a man thing I think. Now I'm left with struggling.
Sorry but I did smile at the thought of you frantically cutting wood with your chainsaw.
Your not boring people as there's not one of us that haven't been in your shoes, we know exactly what it's like. We just have to accept each day and hope that tomorrow will be a bit better. Like you I try to keep myself busy but any silly little thing will reduce me to a wreck when I used to be so confident and stress was my middle name. Now I hate it.
I do hope your feeling a bit better now.

Pat xxx

Hi Jooles, I can imagine how worried you are about your Dad being so far away from him. It's a pity that you can't get him to move nearer to you. Keep inviting him to your house, let him become familiar with your area and give him time and he might change his mind, it would be the answer.
Of course he has said exactly the right thing there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to take away the loneliness and sadness we have to learn to live with it.
You moved to a lovely area for all the right reasons and your parent were considering this, so perhaps when the time is right you can remind your Dad they might have moved near to you also.
My heart goes out to your Dad.

We don't stay strong, we look and act fine on the outside, most of the time, but inside we are frequently a mess. I am anyway. I miss my soulmate more with each passing day.
I'm doing all the right things but sometimes they aren't enough. I attend church, went to the barn dance the other week. I've joined a bereavement social group and last week joined a choir. All activities to socialize and meet new people.
I feel good when I am participating but frequently very low when I leave. I feel guilty about enjoying myself without my sweetheart.

Sorry hit send by accident. It was until recently I realised I couldn't handle it by myself, even with the activities. Your GP is there to help, medications if you feel you need them or referral to local counselling organisations. If you need to talk, it's frequently easier to talk and cry with complete strangers, there are crisis lines. I've used them, a chat with a friendly voice at the other end of the phone can work wonders. Last week I started taking antidepressants, it was a path I didn't want to take but I felt like I was being sucked in to a black hole.
None of us know the answers or what's right for someone else, but don't make my mistake of thinking I could do it alone. Reach out and ask for help. Losing a partner is devastating, the hardest thing we'll ever face. Strength comes in realisation we are weak and need help from others, please don't try to handle it alone.
Prayers and best wishes, Carl.

In reply to Carl1955

I decided I would not go down the route of anti depressants, helpful though they can be to many.
Today finally felt right at last to attempt a cycle ride to lift my mood and even admire the changing colours. Rarely have I cycled but fortunately I live in a rural area, however with a car behind me and approaching a junction I forgot one foot had to be on the floor when stopping. I keeled over sideways onto a wide grass verge with a passenger calling are you ok which was met with my thumbs up!
My dignity was hurt but not me!
Decided the bike went back in the garage and a walk along the beach was a safer option.
This allowed me to scream at the stormy waves about the injustice of the grim reaper and my incompetence at coping.
However as in the film "tomorrow is another day".

It isn't incompetence not to cope, you're hurting and your emotions are like the waves and tides, peaks and troughs, highs and lows. I too walk along the seafront most days, even when the sea is rough the motion and sound is calming.
I felt the same way about antidepressants, but I didn't see any other choice in the end, my mood was becoming so dark I was unable to function properly. The effects so far have only been to increase my sleep time from three hours a night to six but even that extra rest improves the way I feel. Next week I'm starting one on one counselling with a therapist.
I've always been strong willed and independent so it isn't easy asking for help, the one friend, confidant and lover I had in the world is no longer with me, I'm heartbroken and devastated.
We must all make our own decisions but it's important not to rule anything out that may help, just take things one day at a time and see how it's working out.
I have pretty negative feelings about counselling, they can't bring her back and whatever discussion there may be I'll still be alone, I am going to give it a go because I cannot go on feeling the way I do if I want to survive. The one thing keeping me going is I know my sweetheart doesn't want me to be miserable, she lives on in my heart and watches over me from heaven.
I'm trying to get better for her not me. I know that won't sound stupid to you or anyone else on this forum, we go on for them because we know it's what they want.
Prayers and best wishes, Carl.