Its just the thought...

Having MS I am always so reluctant on taking a shower, when my Richard was here I would make him wait nearby until I was out then tell him I am out but now I have to get in and out with no one in my parkhome...Well this morning as I was sitting on the end of my bed this reminded me of when in the evening we would be separately getting ready to go to either my MS monthly social or our Disable Societies bingo evening when Richard would call out " are you ready, the time is getting on to leave.." he would get my rollator ready, place it outside our back door, that is my easiest way to get to the car, then up a set of concrete steps, even with Richards then bad breathing problems he would lift my rollator into the back of the car, then we would be off for an enjoyable couple of hours or so...Well after the funeral took place 7th May, I have not set foot outside our parkhome once, nor has anyone come near me to see if I am alright apart from one neighbour down the far end of our steep slope when he came back with his 2 small dogs after a walk, he came in and we talked for an hour...Of course I cant wait to be collected-picked up Monday and Tuesday next week, just to get out amongst people and hopefully for the short time in company I can smile-maybe laugh...but I know I am going to find this hard as somebody is will be sitting next to me in a car, not Richard, somebody else will be bringing me home, not Richard, no one will be coming inside my kitchen talking about our evening, did we enjoy it, what goodies did we win at bingo, which one of us was the lucky one tonight, o course it will be knocking on bedtime the time we-I will get back 9.30-10, I usually go to bed around the 10.30 I will be coming in to " empty.." I know i-we, have to experience this for a first time, and once done maybe wont be so hard on us thereafter...It is just the doing things, being taken somewhere by someone who is not our partner-hubby or wife is going to take some getting used to...Just nothing seems right anymore, it should still be Richard doing all these things, taking me, coming with me, having the fun...


I find it terrible that no one has called in to see you. You must be a small community and would think that someone would show some sympathy taking into consideration that you have health problems as well as a traumatic loss. What a heartless lot. It seems like a case of "I'm all right Jack". Have you a committee on site if so you could always write to them and let them know how disappointed you are at their thoughtlessness.
To have not been outside in all that time can't be good for you. Have you tried Age Concern or similar. By us they arrange for volunteers to call on people on their own, take them out and help with shopping. The downside is I think they have to pay for this service. Keep looking around your area.
Try not to think about the coming home bit. Don't dwell on what should be, just enjoy.yourself.

...I think our annual AGM parkhome meeting took place outside out parkhome site a few days ago, a notice of it was put through my door by one of the committee members across the way, yet no one had even come near me to offer to take me, oh well, this is life isn't it? My late father had a saying.." .I will be the one who comes out smiling in the end.." there is such as thing as " the table being turned.." or are turned..


What is the matter with these people. So much unkindness.
My neighbours haven't called on me either, not one knocked the door, not even Christmas Day. Brian had lived in this road for 36 yrs and I have been here 30 yrs. One neighbour a young woman who I don't know did say the usual "If you need anything you know where we are". Kind I thought, and she lives across the road but I never will bother them, I don't know them. My next door neighbours have been my husbands neighbours ever since he came to live in this house but apart from coming to the funeral I have spoken to them three times since November. Nosy neighbours but not bothered now, perhaps frightened they might be asked to give a helping hand. The other side are young couple who rent but haven't said a word to me.
It's a sad world.

Pat xxx