No longer living just counting off each lonely endless hour

I stopped living at 7.15p.m. 24th June 2018 the time David my husband died
.Yes obviously I am still breathing but not wanting to. How can you love someone for over 45 years and be married to them for 40 years and then watch them die in agony and willing them to die so they could stop suffering. And then walk away to a life where I have no family and friends turn away because they don't know what to say. Nothing is real only pain. I hurt my back very recently quite badly and the fear of having no one there. I will never love anyone like I love my precious husband and I will never want to live again. I am alive because I am forced to be.

Dear Lesley
I can't give you any answers but I do understand completely if that is of any comfort.
I am further along than you and there have been times when I felt that there was some point to breathing....when I have actually enjoyed feeling the warmth of the sun and watching the birds on my feeder has brought a smile to my face. However, setbacks happen and then it is a real struggle to pick oneself up and try all over again. All I know is that we do do it and that some days are much easier than others. Your love for David will always be with you so please don't give up. Keep posting and take carex

In reply to Lesley L

Dear Lesley, I'm so sorry about your loss of your beloved husband and how you're feeling now. Nothing can prepare you for the enormity of such a loss. I am a little bit further on in that my husband died in March last year. We were together for about 46 years. He had Parkinson's and had deteriorated quite suddenly but his death wasn't expected even so. Having to go on every day, making a new life that I didn't want, living alone for the first time in my life, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. And people are doing this all the time, all around us. So much pain. I kept saying to myself - and out loud when on my own - how can you not be here any more?? Sounds daft but the death of my dearly loved partner is profoundly hard to accept. We all know here on this site how much we all struggle with accepting and coping with our grief.

I hope it will help you a bit if I say that after a year I'm finding it's still very hard, still very lonely, but the anxiety is not so constant now. It's getting used to living with the grief, not getting over it as if it's something that can be finished with and put neatly away in a box. It's up and down, day by day. There's laughter and pleasure at times in all kinds of things but every day I think of my Steve and miss him terribly. I am trusting that gradually it will get easier if I keep plodding on.

Take care. xxx

Hi my partner died 5 weeks ago and I'm struggling to even be here as, she was the luv of my life, I miss her so much, we were together for 10 years and felt like a lifetime, I can't believe it, I don't want to be at home without her, from friends has not been in touch since the funeral, my family they don't know what I'm going through, I've been struggling every day and night, I miss her so much

Hello Lesley, I can empathize with you more than you'll ever know. I lost my wife suddenly well over a year ago and for me nothing has changed whatsoever. I will always be absolutely devastated, I will always be absolutely heart broken, I will always be absolutely beyond any help. I died when my wife died we were absolutely inseparable. I pray a minimum of three times a day, when I awake, during the day and just before going to bed I'm sorry but there are no prizes for guessing my prayers, the good Lord will do whatever he plans to do my day will come I know not when. In the mean time I'm forced to live a life of hell and misery as there is no alternative. I cry each and every single day, our loved ones cannot return to us here but I believe that there is some form of after life and we can and will go to them. It's the darkest devastating place that I have ever been in my life. God bless all those that are struggling and sing from the same hymn sheet. B xx

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