The realisation that this is forever

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Thank you Amelie'sgran. After my post yesterday I just threw myself into the gardening - which actually wore me out. And this morning -have just started compiling my list! I certainly talk to Gary all the time - just like he is still physically here. And yes I will keep posting. Thanks to all that respond - it is so nice to have back up from those that truly understand.

Take care
Trisha xx

Dear Jonathan

Thank you for your reply. I so appreciate it when the members of the forum 'speak' back that I too make sure I always respond to comments or messages. To know that people who understand are there and are feeling the same is such a comfort.
You say your first thought is that I must not wake her. That is just showing your love and consideration continues - and why not think like that.
I find myself calling out to Gary when I get home to the empty house - just as I always did. Hello Love - I am home !For some reason it makes me feel that he is in the house.

I spoke about parental guilt. Unlike you I was lucky in that my parents had a wonderful marriage and were really good parents. I was a real daddy's girl and I was actually good friends with my mother (most of the time) but we did spark off each other. Too alike perhaps! I could certainly never have lived with her - which I knew upset her but we would it would have ended in tears. But she had never gone out to work so did not understand about long days out of the house (I continued to work full time) - ferrying children to football and dance and the suchlike and then tackling housework, gardens and all other things at the weekend. So a visit every week was just not possible - so the guilt came with that. As a child I was always taught not to answer back. I always railed against this as I thought it so unfair I was not allowed to even voice 'my side of the story' - that I vowed it was a phrase I would never use with my children. So I didn't and always told them to give their side to which I would then reply. Likewise I have vowed never to make them feel guilty if they are busy and cannot find the time for mum. So far though they have always chosen to spend time with us. My daughter tells me I am her best friend and my son told me that when he lost his dad he lost his best friend too. I consider that such an accolade and Gary and I said that if we never achieved anything else in this life - we had raised two charming, polite (and clever) children. Nothing else to add to that really. I know I am truly blessed with them.

Jonathan you usually write beautifully and wisely - so I hope you too stay on the site so that we can all continue to give each other comfort.

Take care

Trisha xx

Dear Davidmybeloved

Thank you for your message. I think meltdowns are part of this situation we are living in now - it is the smallest things that start them off isn't it? My husband was a great one for writing notes - quite often funny shopping lists made up of drawings or silly words - sometimes I had no idea what I was supposed to be buying. But they always made me laugh - then when I found one the other day it bought on a meltdown from me as the feeling of missing him was just overwhelming. I suppose one day we will learn to live with this. Like you I am finding it hard to come to terms with the pain and try to avoid the memory of losing him by keeping busy. I will need to go back to work soon - I am dreading it and hoping I can cope - but it might just be what I need. Like everyone on here I rely so much on this forum. I told my Dr about it as it really is the thing that has helped me more than anything during the last few weeks. I have joined Wayup too - but I am not brave enough yet to go to one of their meet ups. I am quite a shy person - so would have to put my 'work' head on in order to do it too ! But we will see- maybe in a few more weeks.
Take care.

Trisha xx

Dearest Jen

As ever thank you for your support. Need say no more (which for us makes a change!).

Trisha xx

In reply to Lizzed

Dear Liz

Thank you for your reply - as I said to Jonathan it is lovely to get a response and I am always very grateful to hear back from the forum members. I am glad my ramblings resonated with you - sometimes I just need to write in order to get it all out. I have two wonderful children who ask constantly if I am ok and of course I say to them I am fine. They have their own grief to contend with and I am still 'Mum' so I do not want to burden them with these feelings.
Like you I find the everyday things are the things I miss - even the annoying ones - probably especially the ones that used to drive me mad but that I miss so desperately now. And like us all on here- we would give up everything to go back in time a bit. I would even happily watch snooker!

Unlike you I cannot stay in bed - so am up early and start the list - if I am occupied I think less. I look for the signs that he is still with me and interpret them in a way that tells me he is. Odd things like a photo of him I did not even know I had- just popping up on my phone. Do not know what I pressed but there he was smiling into the camera on our last cruise - or the old birthday card found in the middle of the household instruction manuals that told me how much he loved me. I know I was truly blessed to have had him for as long as I did - I try to console myself with that. Sometimes it works and sometimes it highlights what is now missing.
Take care

Trisha xx

Dear Jackie

I know how hard it is for you. And I am happy to offer what support I can to you - you know that. It is still early days for us and the future for all of us - no matter what our circumstances - is scary. It is fear of the unknown and everyone is scared of that to some degree or another. I think you are doing well under the circumstances and think you have come further than you realise already. Keep posting on here and take care.
Trisha xx

Thank you Lucy it is so hard isn't it? I do not know where the last 9 weeks have gone for me - time really does not have any meaning now. Sometimes it seems like is has been only a couple of days and sometimes it feels like I have been feeling like this forever.
Take care
Trisha xx

Dear Sandra

I find so much comfort from this forum. Grief is a lonely state - no matter whom you have around you. It is something that is alien, and frightening and none of us know how to really cope but at least everyone here does understand.
Take care
Trisha xx

Dear She
I hope everyone will forgive the amount of posts I have put up this morning, but I like people replying to me so I do like to respond to everyone that replies to me. So thank you for your message.
Yes we do keep a brave face on it for most of the time - but surely we do that to spare others our emotion. Sometimes if people are nice it is very hard to hold back the tears - especially when they too give way to emotion. I never knew how much people thought of Gary until I lost him and have been overwhelmed by the lovely things people have said to me - and of course that is when the tears start. I think you were very brave to go to the party in the first place - I am not sure I could have done it. But as for that comment - how insensitive. But people really do not think do they and until they lose their life partners they really do not have any idea of what it is like. Of course we cannot sit in a corner crying all day - but I sometimes wonder if that is what they expect of me. But we have to continue to smile and most of us save our tears for the quiet of home and they come on when they dictate - which is completely out of our control.
Take care
Trisha xx

In reply to She123

You are a very brave lady. Six weeks is such a short time to begin 'testing' yourself. You must still be raw inside. I know about remarks people make. It's the same in anxiety. 'Pull yourself together'. It's like that in bereavement although the words may not be so forthright.
I heard someone say, not about me but a friend who had lost his wife, 'six months, he should be over that by now. Honest!! I have to confess it does make me a bit angry when I hear such remarks, but then I put it down to sheer ignorance. I doubt those who make such remarks have ever loved anyone. Perhaps I am be judgemental. But even before I suffered bereavement I would never have said that to anyone.
Of course it has put you back. It hurts so much when you meet this indifference.
But it's the old story. Unless you have been there how can you ever know. Take care and come back and talk. We are all here and we do listen and know. Blessings.

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