The realisation that this is forever


Thank you PatriciaS. Yes - it becomes a stock phrase. In reply to How are you - it is either I am fine - or 'up and down as you can imagine'. But I don't think they can imagine!

I am going to try going back to work next week and that will really be living a life of pretence - as the people I will be with are workmates in the main - not friends - so it will be plenty of the stiff upper lip . Just hope I will be able to keep it up.

I agree other people's hurt now hurts us too - as we see ourselves in them in we echo their pain as they do ours.

Take care

Trisha xx

Dear Scatcat
It is all about distraction in order to forget for a short period of time. No it does not mean we really forget but focusing on something else confuses our brain for a short time. I can understand how hard it must be for you if you worked together too. I am going to try going back to work next week - I will however have to drive a long detour to get home as I cannot travel the same road I usually did as that was when I got the phone call from my daughter to say she had found him collapsed and when my nightmare started.
I don't think I will ever get over losing him - he was part of me. But I will continue with the lists and maybe one day I will be able to listen to the music again.
Please draw support from this forum. I do not know what I would have done without it.
Take care
Trisha xx

In reply to TrishaF

Oh I am so pleased to read that as I had a better week last week and was feeling better with myself but today I feel I have slipped back to the beginning, just crying all day!! Thought it was just me!! Janet

In reply to Pedro521

It is so so hard to carry on with life without your loved ones!! I have prayed every night that I don’t wake up in the morning as I cannot face a life on my own!! I am attending a bereavement group which I hope in time will help. I also go to church on a Thursday morning where there are some lovely people to talk to! Janet x

No days are good but today has been a really bad day for me. I’m crying and shouting to him to give me a sign that I am doing things right without him. 7 weeks tomorrow I said goodbye to my Ed. I want him back. I want to be able to look forward to doing things. Nothing matters anymore. I feel I am just existing for my family and counting the days till I can be with him again. Memories? You cannot put your arms around a memory.

In reply to TrishaF

Totally agree, it is so different to lose a partner than to lose a parent. Since this has happened to me, like you, I thought about when my dad died and until now never really knew what my mum was going through! Janet x

In reply to Lizzed

Oh how I agree!! I would just like him back for 10 minutes to say goodbye and give him a hug but I know that cannot be which is very very hard to accept! My life ended when his did, I nursed him for many weeks and that it what makes it worse! Janet x

It is too painful, too raw for me to think that this is forever, that this is my life now .. that I’m never going to see my husband again, ever.
It’s nearly nine months, we had just eight weeks from diagnosis. His death was considered ‘expected’ - not to me it wasn’t, not nearly twenty years before retirement.
I don’t know how it’s nine months .. it could be nine minutes, nine hours, nine weeks, nine years .. I have no concept of time any more.
I’ve only got this far as I’m still numb, my brain has blocked everything out. Those eight weeks were truly horrendous. So much happened. They were relentless. I did things I never wanted to do. Maybe in time I will find comfort knowing I did those things and maybe I’ll also find comfort knowing that I did absolutely everything for my husband. I would do exactly the same again in a heartbeat but right now I find no comfort whatsoever .. all I desperately want is my husband, to feel his body against mine, to have his arm around me, to hear his voice.
I miss him so much x

Bless your heart ... I feel exactly the same ... four weeks from diagnosis to him dying in the hospice... absolutely shocking. I don’t have the right words .. it’s incomprehensible. Both our adult sons have died over the last few years too ... so just me left now. I can only wish you. Comfort in this journey we are on ... I miss his voice, holding his hand, just his physical presence. Sending love from my heart to yours hun, Sue x

Dear Pedro521

Thank you for your message - you are absolutely right I loved him with all my heart - as I knew he did me. I do not know what to say - to lose your sons and your husband - my dear lady I cannot imagine how you feel. I have no idea how I am going to move forward and even less of an idea how you do. I really hope you find some peace and that some of the small things in life bring you some pleasure. I find the people on here have helped me immeasurably and I appreciate all the responses I get that help me to cope.
Please take care
Trisha xx