As each day dawns, we're faced more realisations of how our lives are changing forever.
Never having lived alone in my life before, I do struggle not only with the loneliness this brings but also having to do everything on my own, those jobs Alan took care of, I now find I've to incorporate those into my daily chores. I'll admit, it is very tiring and sometimes I leave chores/tasks undone only to face an even bigger task when I finally get ths time or even the motivation to tackle the relevant task that has manifested into a greater task because I left it undone previously.
It is at times such as this that everything becomes overwhelming and it really hits home that Alan isn't here any more, there's nothing that can be done to change that. Suppose we all face this dilemma during our current enforced existence, trying to be realistic in the face of this overpowering grief is not so simple, yet so we can live the best life we can with our loving partners by our side in spirit only, we have to develop a way of life that eases our loss.
Think I'm talking in riddles again, I am trying to come to terms with the realisation that Alan isn't here any more and the realisation of a different way of life without him is necessary for me to continue living for the both of us. His memory will remain alive for the rest of my days, and will continue to do so in our children.
We had 52 years together, 50 of those as husband and wife, not always smooth going, but a good solid, loving marriage that stood the test of time. Throughout these last 14 months since he passed, not once have I recalled a sad time, only the happy memories have been brought into my present and i cherish these. All the disagreements during our time together are no longer relevant, are insignificant. It is all the happy loving times that are important to me.
Sorry for the ramble. At present, feeling an overwhelming sense of calm and can sense Alan is here by my side as I'm typing this. So very very comforting to know that whilst he left his earthly body, he's never truly left because he remains with me in spirit and in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'd dearly love him to be here as he was, but accept that isn't going to happen, so i take comfort in knowing he's by my side in spirit.
Tomorrow I could be a total wreck, but for this moment I feel peace and calm.