The realisation that this is forever


In reply to TrishaF

Morning Trisha,

As each day dawns, we're faced more realisations of how our lives are changing forever.

Never having lived alone in my life before, I do struggle not only with the loneliness this brings but also having to do everything on my own, those jobs Alan took care of, I now find I've to incorporate those into my daily chores. I'll admit, it is very tiring and sometimes I leave chores/tasks undone only to face an even bigger task when I finally get ths time or even the motivation to tackle the relevant task that has manifested into a greater task because I left it undone previously.

It is at times such as this that everything becomes overwhelming and it really hits home that Alan isn't here any more, there's nothing that can be done to change that. Suppose we all face this dilemma during our current enforced existence, trying to be realistic in the face of this overpowering grief is not so simple, yet so we can live the best life we can with our loving partners by our side in spirit only, we have to develop a way of life that eases our loss.

Think I'm talking in riddles again, I am trying to come to terms with the realisation that Alan isn't here any more and the realisation of a different way of life without him is necessary for me to continue living for the both of us. His memory will remain alive for the rest of my days, and will continue to do so in our children.

We had 52 years together, 50 of those as husband and wife, not always smooth going, but a good solid, loving marriage that stood the test of time. Throughout these last 14 months since he passed, not once have I recalled a sad time, only the happy memories have been brought into my present and i cherish these. All the disagreements during our time together are no longer relevant, are insignificant. It is all the happy loving times that are important to me.

Sorry for the ramble. At present, feeling an overwhelming sense of calm and can sense Alan is here by my side as I'm typing this. So very very comforting to know that whilst he left his earthly body, he's never truly left because he remains with me in spirit and in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'd dearly love him to be here as he was, but accept that isn't going to happen, so i take comfort in knowing he's by my side in spirit.

Tomorrow I could be a total wreck, but for this moment I feel peace and calm.


Dear She

Oh gosh our brains play tricks on us trying to come to terms with the loss of our loved ones

Dreams like that are so discombobulating.,,,have I just made that word up ?! Anyway it sounds like a good word for scrambling the thoughts in your mind and that is what a dream like that does
So unsettling for you
My heart goes out to her
Sending much love and big hugs
Romy xxxxx

In reply to TrishaF

Hi abd Thankyou for replying ... sane here ... my husband was my absolute soulmate ... I loved the bones of him abd he loved me the same. I suppose we are lucky to have had that., I just want him back. I want that hand to hold. Stupid and impossible I know but that’s how I feel every single day. It’s so hard abd the path ahead seems empty and lonely now. I know I need to start doing more but for now I isolate myself mostly apart from a couple of good friends. Maybe I should start knitting again .. I used to read all the time but find it hard to focus now. I hope you find your way too. I wish none of us were going through this. Hugs from me ... I miss hugs so much. Sue x

I am knew to this so please forgive me if l ramble on l have just read these posts and to realize i am not on my own is lovely my husband of 53years died in April and it has been traumatic I find it hard to leave the house and suffer anxiety attracts. My councilor tells me its early days but l don't want a life without my husband I try to keep busy but have no interest in anything l feel guilty that i haven't been able to sort through his things as people say i should have done it otherwise l can't move on l don't know whats right or wrong will this get better will l be able to accept my life on my own its so frightening and l just want to be with him

Hi Jen just to let you know that your post saying about your special one and your life is mirrored just lie mine so a big Thank you for your post, It is really good reading this and knowing we are all the same. We were married nearly 51 very happy years and have a very good supporting family. As you say I feel he is with me all of the time but do so miss his hugs and talking to him. Love and hugs to you. xxx Carol xxx

Marian it has got to be the most terrible feeling ever, knowing we are never going to see our husbands again! I am finding it very hard like you and cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel! I do hope, like me, you find strength to move on. Janet x

....I have no idea why April as I too lost my partner Richard age 74, April 11 th...we have other members on our grieving forum who also sadly lost their partners April...I am so so sorry you are now having to join our " April " group...


Dear Jen
I too had a day yesterday of calmness and felt that my lovely Ed was with me everywhere. I actually felt a little guilty that I was not as sad as I had been during the last 7 weeks since I lost him. I have read that sometimes we have a period of acceptance and calm then the sadness comes back really hard. Today I am overthinking things. What next on this sad journey of grief ?

Marian I’m sendingbyou a big fat hug. My husband was diagnosed and died within for weeks on 29th April. I feel exactly the same as you ... I miss his physical presence so so much .... his hand to hold the sound of his heart beating and just the good kind man that he was. I had him for 43 years but it wasn’t enough ... it’s a horrible horrible empty feeling. I hate being on my own. I hope we can all find our wats through this ... I isolate myself and dont want to talk to people etc. Love from me, Sue x