Second year blues...

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Hello all,

My beautiful husband of 30 years died of cancer in November 2016. In the second year, I have had periods of being relatively okay, with ongoing sadness. But in Aprtil this year, and for the last two weeks, I have experienced what I would call the most horrible slumps. Suddenly, it feels like the early days again, I am anxious, sleeping poorly, crying uncontrollably and feeling unable to bear the thought of a future without my Ken. I think it may be that the second year slams some truths further home. God, it hurts.

When the April slump passed, I had some days that I would describe as quite good...but I've plummeted again. I feel like I'm failing.

I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that I'm not crazy and that this will eventually pass.

Thankyou so much,

Louise xxoo

Hello Louise

I am sorry you are having a tough time. I am a bit behind you on this journey as my husband died last January but quite a few of my widowed friends have warned me that the second year can be more difficult than the first. The numbness and shock start to wear off and you are left with the reality that this has actually happened and your life is changed forever. One described it to me as feeling frozen during the first year and then starting to thaw in the second which meant she could feel the pain more acutely.

Are you in contact with anyone else who has been widowed? If not, might be worth having a look at Way Up [www.way-up.co.uk]. I get along to some of their social meet ups and it has really helped to be able to talk to others going through the same thing or who are further along the road and have 'been there'.

I hope you start to feel a little better soon.

Ann x

Hello Louise. I'm feeling very much the same as you. My Husband passed away in October 2016. In fact when I was first bereaved I joined another international forum and remember reading your initial posts. I also recal more recently reading your contributions to another website and thinking how in awe I was of you at the progress you had made. But yes, This week my very thoughts were as yours, that this pain is somehow harder than when it first happened and I felt and feel as if I'd been transported back to that time. The anxiousness, fear, sorrow etc feel more profound in a way. What was mentioned in your knd reply from the forum member (sorry I can't recall her name is quite true. Maybe as well it's because the anniversary for both of us is coming up soon. It's hard isn't it. I wish you compassionate thoughts Louise. Look out for the posts from a lovely lady called "Lonely" (Sheila) she has been widowed for 4 years and writes the most honest and insightful posts on being longer term bereaved and in those her message is that it's ok to still be grieving when many people are expecting you to have "got over it" or "come to terms" with it. Love Tina.

Hi Louise,Ann & Tina

I have been feeling a bit low these past few days. I think it is because October is looming. It was always my favourite month but now I dread it. So many dates - my birthday, our wedding anniversary, the day my husband died (2017). My mother in laws birthday and the day she died. Don't know how I'm going to get through and now I am worrying about going into 'year two'. The past year has gone by in a fog, I feel like I have been frozen in time. Can't believe there's more and even worse to come. The pain and sadness seem relentless.

Yvonne

Big hugs Yvonne, I can relate to the way you are feeling. For similar reasons, I feel the same way about December/January. My emotional tank is now completely empty so I don't know where I will find the strength to get through any more. I've just had enough now.
Ann

Good Morning to Ann and Scorpio.
It seems we are all struggling with some very similar and painful emotions. Ann you put it brilliantly when you describe feelings of being frozen and then the "thawing" begins and then Scorpio I know what you mean when you say your emotional fuel tank is running on empty with no reserves left for the future. It's wretched being newly bereaved but people will accommodate your emotions but once time has passed it's a completely different story. I felt sick when I woke and remembered it's weekend yet again. Take care all.

Hello, Beautiful sister widows,

Thankyou for your kindness in replying to me. Big hugs to those of you who are hurting, or whose losses are more recent than mine xo

Ann, the thawing analogy really works for me. My first year wasn't exactly numb - I remember bleeding horribly, but it was still spent surviving, versus the loss hitting me at different levels.

Tina, darling, thanks for saying you've seen me elsewhere. Yes, I felt that progress was happening, and I suppose I need to remind myself that progress still has happened, despite that I feel like crap now. Weekends are so bloody horrible, aren't they? He isn't there watching the footy, reading the paper and being grateful for the cuppa you've made him. I will look for Sheila's posts.

Yvonne, love, I hope you haven't been too badly frightened by what you've heard about the second year - though I can understand why you would be - what could be worse than those first few months that were literally hell? It isn't the same for everybody, and you may find that you have times where you feel that you can do this, maybe (or maybe not) mixed with times that you feel all over again like doing this is impossible. I think this is because grief isn't a linear process; times of feeling okay can be followed by times of feeling completely unraveled again.

I'm still not used to being without my Ken... I've tried to find hobbies and new friends, but it just feels like I'm cobbling a life together, grabbing what bits and pieces I can. Nothing feels settled about it, I am not used to it yet.

We have been hurt so badly, haven't we?

I feel that if I can get a few decent nights' sleep, I'll be a bit more sane. What a wonderful forum.

xxoo

I have a friend whose husband passed away 7 years ago. She’s still grieving. How can we stop doing so? I was also married to my darling for nearly 30 years. I am having a terrible struggle with both the grief & lonliness. I can’t imagine it getting worse in the second year. If it does I don’t think I would cope. I’ve never known pain like it. The outside world who are not members of this sad sad club do not have any idea what the grief is like. Today I am getting waves of it coming over me suddenly.

I wrote a message but it got lost. I find this site difficult.

Oh sorry, it did go. I’m feeling muddled today.

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