So what now


Christmas and New year over and I am glad it's done that was cruel wasn't it. What now everyone says "Back to normality" we all lost what was our normality so new year and as people are saying this all happened last year now. Every time I think so what now I have no idea and feel pained at even having to find a new normality. Xx

I don't think there is any time scale on finding a new normality. My wife died in August so I'm maybe a month in front of you in the queue to find it. I've no idea what it will look like.
I'm hoping that any new normality will not just be fixed. I think it will be incremental and we will acquire it in stages. I can't see me waking up one morning and thinking that a big change took place overnight and I'm suddenly normal. I find it really hard to know what to wish for. After 49 years together I can't see a new normal being without the ongoing grief. I expect it to be partly new but built around the old.
Maybe we don't find the new normal. Maybe it finds us.

You write so many profound statements, all are so very appropriate to each and every one of us, Alan and I had been married 50 years last March, and together 2 years before that. We met whilst I was still at school and we've been together ever since. How can a new normality, (if ever that word truly exists), overcome a lifetime together ☆

In reply to Day at a Time

I had to laugh at the "profound statements". It brought back a happy memory from when I was young and idealistic. I was working with another trainer running a training course. We had worked together for years and had a great relationship. We were asked by a course member what it was that kept us working together and why did the relationship work so well. Before I got chance to think of an answer my co-trainer answered. She told the group that she let me waffle on for 20 minutes with theories and concepts, and then she summarised in 2 minutes in a way that people could understand. I remember someone on the course piping up.... "just like a husband and wife then".
Going back to "normality"..... did it ever exist. I often wondered if my normality was similar to that of my wife. A lot of the time we lived in completely different worlds.

Well me and peter done everything together we worshiped the ground we both walked on and for me to be without him is not normal to me. To be on my own doing things making decisions on my own, plans etc is not normal for me. It was weird in a way but xmas and new year kept me busy I had a purpose for the kids and now as I say what next i am a nurse that cared for people in care homes with dementia and seen them through their end of life to watch my husband going through his end of life was the most devastating thing I have had to face and I don't think I can do this job anymore for anybody so I need a new path but what that is is beyond me just now. I lost my son to meningitis when he was only 3 years old and my world collapsed I met peter after a split from Christophers dad and peter helped me through my grief but to loose your soul mate is the most destroying thing in my life I cannot see a way forward this may as people say take time but I don't think the grief will go and living with it is soul destroying the world is not the same place it was anymore x

I think my normal ended in June 2014 when my wife was told, after undergoing an operation to remove a brain tumour, that it was a stage 4 glioblasoma and that her life expectancy was 12 months.
The new normal after that was chemotherapy, radiotherapy and then a second brain operation in August 2017. She never really recovered from that and died in August 2018.
I'm glad I had taken early retirement in 2002 and I was able to devote myself to her care. While she was ill my mother died and then my aunt died just 6 weeks after my wife. That's quite a lot to contend with and I don't expect to ever go back to how I was before June 2014.
The reason I retired early was that I didn't want the same fate as my father who developed Alzheimers shortly after he retired. He didn't know who I was when I visited him. I often wished he could have gone quickly.

In reply to Elaine H

I am so sorry Elaine...losing your soulmate is devastating...time blurs the edges a little but at the beginning it is virtually impossible to contemplate living without the one person who was our world. Somehow though we do get through the days and begin to be aware of little things to be thankful for...don't rush, take your time and let the tears fall because they need to be day at a time and the future will take care of itself. God bless x

In reply to YorkshireLad1950

We use the word "normal" so often...but it means different things to different people. My children told me long ago that I was not "normal" but could not tell me what they meant! My relationship with Barry was not "normal"... for 16 years we wandered across Spain and France with our little dogs in tow , we had very little money and we never put down long as we had each other we were content...we considered life to be "normal" but others might disagree!
I think what I am trying to say is that what we are now hoping for is not normality or even conformity but an ability to live our remaining days honouring our partner by being at ease with the person we now are...we can never go back , some of us will take longer than others to work out who we have become, some will choose to try to move on and others will be content to stay where they are. Personal circumstances will play their part because life is not an even playing field but as long as we try to be the very best we can then we may achieve our own personal normality

I've never seen it being a problem to be at variance with "the norm". In fact I think it has a lot of advantages. My father used to tell my wife that I was a bit odd as I child as I could sit on the garden seat and read for hours. Needless to say he couldn't read for hours. I suppose being at the right age to become a hippy was a blessing in disguise as I could get away with being odd then.
I don't particularly want to be abnormal so I will probably sit somewhere near the middle of the continuum.
I think nowadays there is massive pressure from the institutions, the media, advertising, marketing, etc to keep well within the norm. As you say the whole thing about normal is that it's a personal judgement. Your normal will be very different to my normal but that's good. Just don't let the Thought Police find out.

Well put Yorkshire Lad!
I too used to read for hours as a child...I am just getting enough concentration back to lose myself in the written page again but Orwell would not be my choice at present!
I really hope that you enjoy your time in the Lakes and that the weather will be kind to you.....the natural world is balm for the soul and is probably the purest normal of all! Take care.