Still Yearning


I went to a wedding yesterday and whilst I managed to smile my way through it, it half killed me. I was there with my son who I love to bits but he's not my husband. I find that I really can't do these occasions any longer. I had to go home to see to my dogs but I didn't return to the evening party. The thought of all those happy couples. It's not that I begrudge them their happiness, it's just that it reinforces the lack of my man. I want to walk into the room on my husband's arm, no one else will do. I think to have witnessed couples dancing and smooching would have finished me off. The yearning goes on and will do forever. Xx

Well done for going it must have taken a lot of guts.
I too am struggling to socialise at the moment.
The last few months I have really tried to be positive but find I am retreating to my home more often than not. Crowds of people really make me anxious and I tried to push through the nerves and joined in with different things.
I made a conscious decision to stay off this forum and this is my first post for a long time. I just had to reply and let you know that at the moment I’m more comfortable at home with my little dog and agree with you that the yearning is never ending.
My life for the moment will consist of going to work and spending time with my 3 kids and little granddaughter I refuse to put pressure on myself to do things just to let people think I’m ok.
I’m finding I’m becoming very selfish and intolerant which is probably not the best way to cope but it is all I can muster at he moment.
We will be 26 years married tomorrow I say will because I still feel married and can’t see that ever changing.
Please take care

In reply to William d

45 years today for me and I'm still married. Seems a long time ago does Easter Monday 1974 and so much happened since. It's interesting, William, that you mention becoming more selfish as that's just how I feel. Maybe it goes with that need for self reliance.
Dancing and smooching....... there's a thought. What was all that about. A few pints easily put paid to that.

Easter Monday 1981 for us, the 20th, just a few days away, the 1st one without Colette.

YorkshireLad, you have an uncanny knack for making me smile.
William, thanks for your response. I too seem to have become selfish and definitely intolerant. I feel so very different and I have become very unsociable. I no longer enjoy social gatherings at all so I think I must avoid them for the time being. X

Yes, we're all still married. 27 years for us in May.
Congratulations gentlemen, on your wedding anniversaries, your beautiful girls will be smiling down on you x

Yes selfish and very intolerant I don’t suffer fools like I use to.
I’m not sure this is a good thing going forward but it’s me for now.
I do wish you a happy anniversary as like me I’m sure you remember your wedding day with happy memories.
I will buy some flowers and a bar of dairy milk Margaret’s favourite and a new bone for the dog.
Take care

In reply to William d

Thanks. I wish you the best of days tomorrow. I can only remember fragments of that day 45 years ago, some I will never forget. I did think of buying flowers but then thought why change the habit of a lifetime. I haven't let today become an ordeal..... Just the same sadness as any other day but at least I remembered this year!!

Hi Kate and William, can I join your club. I too find mixing with people a hardship. Last week at the allotment they had a 'Get together day' for the start of the season. How I struggled, ending up going back to my own plot and having a good cry. Now I hate to see the couples working on their plots, just like Brian and I used to. I walk with my head down and it has been pointed out to me. I think I'm just hoping no one will notice me. I've never particularly suffered fools gladly so nothing different there. Actually I think I'm a bit more tolerant now as nothing really bothers me as I live in the land of glum, although I can put on a 'happy' face for people I meet when out walking.

I so relate to all your posts, we would have been married 40 years in May, not that the length of time matters it’s the love with in that timescale.
I too can’t stand to see couples holding hands, it hurts.
I so wish I had a religion to give me comfort, however I am a non believer.When I walked into that side ward and saw he had died the “absence” of him was so immediate. The love of my live had gone , I wish I had the faith to think he was somewhere better, but in my muddled mind I hope not because he didn’t want to leave me.
Sorry I am rambling on
I miss him so much