Struggling

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My husband died suddenly on the 27th October and I am in a very bad way at the moment. I am not sure how to carry on everything is too hard and the moment there seems to be anything positive another wave of helplessness crashes over me like yesterday. I have a lot of guilt which I know no one can help me with. I tried the Samaratins but for me it was not helpful. Tried to contact Cruse but could only leave an ansaphone message. So thought I would see if this forum could offer any advice.

Hello Bish I'm so sorry for your loss. The last couple of months must have been awful for you what with all the jolly jolly Christmas and New year stuff. Please be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone. The members of this site are wonderful and offer so much support. Cry when you need to, eat what you feel like and don't try to force yourself to be cheerful. You are in mourning as we all are in our grief. Stay warm and know that we all understand.

Shirls thank you so much for your response and kind words. I feel so low at the moment it does seem impossible to carry on. Work beckons tomorrow again and I know I have to put my 'I am coping' face on but nothing changes inside. Now I have found this forum I shall and gain some comfort from others' stories. Thanks again.

In reply to Bish

Bush
I am so sorry to hear about losing your husband. My husband also died suddenly but at the beginning of October - he died in his sleep and had not been ill beforehand. I completely sympathise with how you are felling as I feel the same way. I think the last couple of weeks with Xmas and new year have been particularly difficult as it highlights how everyone else seems to be in couples and happy families and also everyone is expected to be jolly and festive.
I also tried CRuSE and they did get back to me - I have since had a few 1:1 telephone calls that have helped and they have now offered a series of 6 group sessions with others who have Lost spouses so I am going to try that in January. I see what they can offer you.
I don't think that anyone who has not lost a partner can understand how it feels to basically lose a part of you when your whole future is blown apart and hopes and dreams you both had are gone.
I find it Difficult to be positive and go forwards but we don't really have any choice.
I have started a journal that others suggested, where I talk to Ian my husband about things as if he were here (writing it down) and I do find that comforting
I do hope you can find some comfort and calm in the days to come
Take care

Hi Bish, hope work goes okay for you tomorrow xx

Thanks for your message Diane. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. Maybe I will hear back from Cruse and if I do I will accept any help they offer.
Christmas has been incredibly hard Les (my husband) really loved it and was like a kid especially when it came to decorations.

I haven't thought about a journal to be honest it is hard enough to write this.

You are so very right when you say everything changes forever in that one moment and life will never ever be the same again. Thanks again.

In reply to Bish

Bish,
You coul always email CRUSE as well to see if you get a response quicker. They did tell me there was up to a 6 month waiting time for 1:1 face to face counselling so I have gone to see someone privately which helps a bit. My main issue is sleeping and when I don't sleep I feel even more grief stricken and upset.
I find distractions help me - so today have been on 3 dog walks (two with company) done my washing and cleaned the house - just about to scrub the windows! I find if I sit still I think that make me worse - although sometimes just reflecting and crying on my own is what I need to do.
Even nearly 3 months later I can't really believe that Ian won't walk through the door any minute - I can't move any of his clothes - wellies still in porch ready for his next dog walk.
I am also back to work tomorrow - hope it goes okay for you
Take care and just get through each hour at a time

Thanks for the email Diane. I will certainly take your advice and email Cruse. How did you go about finding a private counsellor? I did have a look on line but there were so many?

I have just been sitting today and you are right I think it does make things worse if that is possible. Unfortunately the attitude I have to housework etc at the moment is 'what's the point'. Like you also everything in the house is as it was on the day my husband died, his razor is in it's place his dog walking coat on the hook etc., I can't see a point when I will be ready to move these things at the moment.
I hope work goes okay for you tomorrow. Take care.

In reply to Bish

Bish
The counsellor was recommended by a friend - if you can get a recommendation that is probably best. I do find talking one to one to someone who never knew Ian actually quite helpful.
Do you have any friends or neighbours who have lost close family you can talk to? I have one neighbour whose son died in a car crash when he was 18 and she has been really helpful to talk to as she understands how I am feeling.
I assume you have a dog? I never wanted a dog but ian persuaded me to get one just over a year ago but despitee being a tie it's him who gets me out of the house now and you do always meet people who talks when you have a dog!
I also have an 18 year old daughter still at home so I have to try and be strong for her as she is doing her A levels - although that's not easy and she hates it when I cry
Have a peaceful and as restful as you cAn evening
Good luck with finding support from counsellors erc

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