Struggling on.

My partner died just over a week ago and the loneliness is unbelievable!
I find myself still picking up his odd and ends to put them away but realising there's no point he's not going to start searching for them.
In a way he had already partly left me due to his dementia but there was still a part of him there, I could hold his hand and comfort him when things got too much for him to bear.
Reading the posts on here has helped though sometimes I feel a little like a voyeur looking in at another's grief and perhaps immersing myself in others pain might not help me move on to the next stage. I don't know. It takes a wiser person than me to figure out what is best.

Quite a few of us have mentioned the perception of negativity in reading others’ stories of grief when we are barely coping with our own. You aren’t the first to use the word “voyeur” either.
Just remember that people in our position, at least those that populate this forum, want to share their stories. Somehow it helps. So don’t beat yourself up about that aspect.

No doubt you’ll be coming across those odds and ends for many a long day, and the most mundane everyday item can seem to be worth more than a king’s ransom and prompt floods of tears.

A day or two after Eileen died I went to make myself a pot of tea (always loose leaf.) The teapot had not been washed out, and as I tipped the old sodden leaves away, I realized that they were the remains of the last cup of tea I ever made for us both.
Four months on, that thought still has me in tears.
Keep reading, keep posting, yes it hurts sometimes but I find the forum to be an indispensable support.

I still can't bring myself to throw last year's calendar away. It's full of plans and appointments and most in my wife's fair hand. I've left it on the table and look at it and keep thinking I should get a grip. Just not sure what I can grip or should that be clutch. I'm using up her shampoo, her box of tissues, her favourite coffee.
Unfortunately I totally forgot her house plants and they've all died.
In the garden her daffodils and snowdrops have appeared and are growing quite rapidly.
I keep telling myself they are just "things"...... just a collection of atoms.
I think I need to go for a walk on such a nice day.

the deodorant Alan used I spray upstairs every day and when I change the bedding I spray his pillows with it too. I had to get in the loft before new year, first time in all the 46 years we've lived here, his toolbox was imbthe middle of the floor with several spanners lined up on the closed lid as though he'd just taken a tea break from fixing the water overflow around this time last year. I'm having the flooring redone up there, but his toolbox as it is now will go back into the exact same spot. It's the little things like this that help me. X

My husband used to work away a lot. He would put his boots on and leave his slippers wherever in the house he happened to be at the time. (He used to wear Birkenstock’s which the kids would take the mickey out of him for). I had this sort of superstition that I would leave them wherever they were until he came home. They are now still by the settee where he last took them off. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to move them. X

I know what you mean, my partners shoes are exactly where he left them when he changed into his slippers.
Think , well the shoes don't really mean anything, they're just bits of leather, but still can't bear to move them just yet. Given time....

My husbands slippers are still by his chair. Most of his clothes have now moved on but I have kept a few of his jumpers and jackets and wearing them myself. I wear his watch and carry his wallet in my bag. I reason that if I've got his wallet he will come to me one day!!!! He painted and his paintings are all over the house now. along with photo's of him which I talk to as I pass from one room to another. I did a silly thing last week I went into a charity shop which I had donated a lot of his clothes and there on a shelf was a pair of his trainers. I picked one up and hugged it. Tears came so I made a quiet departure before anyone noticed. I sleep with one of his jackets next to me and put the arm around me and can smell him as I also spray his aftershave over it. People will laugh at us but you all understand why we do these things.

In reply to 12remember

I've found grieving to be very lonely, and these conversations a place to safely share thoughts and emotions that might otherwise remain unexpressed, except to myself. Reading other people's posts brings tears but that doesn't feel like a bad thing, more a venting of emotions that I mainly keep to myself as I carry on carrying on, day by day building a different life that I didn't want or plan.

I wish you all the best in these early days and hope that you have support to help you through. There's no one way to deal with such a shattering event. x

In reply to Pattidot

I do understand. When my husband died I got rid, as soon as I possibly could, of all his disability paraphernalia and, soon after, all his clothes bar a few items. His boots are still in the corner and his jacket, Chelsea shirt, his favourite shirt and his favourite t shirt in my wardrobe. I can't imagine ever passing them on.