When will the weekends be easier


It’s 2 months tomorrow since I lost my Harry and while every day is so long and empty the weekends are unbearable. I accept invitations to go out but feel like I’m the grim reaper and can’t get home quick enough to cry. It’s just so unfair. I so miss our weekends in our caravan and sitting outside enjoying a cuppa watching life go by. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the caravan. I’m not sure I can face it on my own .

So sorry for your loss, my husband died 23 weeks ago and I know how unbearable the grief feels, I don't think that gets any easier I think we just learn to live our lives differently, for me Monday's are the real hell, family and friends keep me busy all weekend, I don't have time to brood, but then Monday comes around and people are back at work or doing the school runs etc and the day stretches endlessly before me, my dog is my saviour at these times, regarding your caravan don't make any decisions till your ready, it's so easy to make snap decisions when we are so emotional and then regret then later. Take care Jan


The thought of doing things on our own is unbearable. We have a holiday apartment in Devon - so around a four hour drive away and we used to have such fun on the journey. Gary seemed to picnic all the way - and the glove box of the car is still filled with his frutella sweets. I cannot see me going there on my own despite the fact that we both loved it so much. My son and his girlfriend have said they will come with me - but we used to go every few weeks and they could not do that nor would I want them to. I am not ready to get rid of it as he loved it so much and we thought that once I retired we would be down there for a month or two at a time. That is never going to happen and that makes me so so sad. However, I do not want to do anything rash so may consider renting it out when I am strong enough to sort it out. But I think that is a long way off.

It is still nearly only five weeks since I lost Gary and I have either my son or my daughter here at the weekends. With me it is the Monday mornings when they are back at work. Then I have to keep busy or I just spend the morning crying. I find photos and music are just too painful.

You replied to my earlier post about going back to work. I feel it would help me to fill my days but really cannot face the people yet. My Dr is signing me off in two week periods and whilst I am not ready to return this week - I am hoping that after the next two weeks I will be ready.
It is so so hard isn't it. I know I would be better trying to focus on things other than how I feel and Gary would hate me to be so unhappy- so I think I have to get back to normal, or as normal will be from now on as soon as I can. But we all know that is much easier said than done and some days the grief is unbearable.
I try not to think of the future without him - just like I try hard to not to think of how I lost him.
Take care

Trisha xx

Hi Princess. It's too early to make decisions. It took me six months since November last when I lost my wife before I could decide on anything. If you sold the caravan now you could well regret it later when you begin to feel better. Oh yes, it does happen, hard as it may seem at the moment.
Doing anything that reminds you of the times you had together can give so much pain. But memories will come and go and we should try and accept that.
I know, going out and meeting people you may have known together is very hard. Going to places you went to together is also hard. I have made myself go, even though at first I felt so sad and tearful. But gradually I have found the people to be so kind and now I almost look forward to going. I try to get out to what was our favourite café where they know about my loss, and the girls there are so kind. There is still so much kindness out there in spite of what we may feel.
Of course on here it's different. There is no substitute for experience even though it's unwanted. I find coming on here, and maybe helping someone else come to terms with this awful business, is helpful. When I say that it's not being selfish. It's a fact that in helping others we help ourselves. I often think the Good Samaritan may have felt better helping the injured man. Doing anything with genuine love has got to be right.
Yes, weekends are indeed the worse. Going out was such a pleasure then and when the sun was shining it was even better. I live in the countryside and even going out into the woods we used to walk in is painful, but I do it because I feel my wife is with me enjoying nature as she always did.
Take care. Blessings.

In reply to TrishaF

Trisha, go to the holiday apartment and give it a go, you might draw some comfort being there. We have allotments one each next door to each other and when Brian died I couldn't bear the thought of going there. It's only a ten minute walk so five days after his death I went there. I stood on the plots just looking around, trying to get some sort of sign that I would be able to keep them. Brian loved the allotment. While I stood a lone Bee came and flew around me and this was surprising as it was November and they are tucked away asleep then. Brian loved the bee's and helped the Bee keepers. If the name of a person who dies is told to the Bee's they will carry their sole with them. So this lone Bee that landed by me meant something to me. Was it my Brian giving me strength to carry on alone. Two weeks later another Bee circled me and even hit me up the side of my face. I have many times had a Robin land very near and just watch me as I work. Yes, I do believe my Brian is with me and even talk to him as I work. So who knows give it a try and see how you feel. I use gut instinct.
Love to you Pat xxx

I'm a bit different to most as I don't dread weekends. To me they are just another day. I usually do something that I enjoy doing but do know what you mean about invitations. I have turned down many as I can't trust myself to be a happy soul. Will I crumble in company. Sometimes like you I just want to walk into my house and let go. Release the tension.
About the caravan. I have already replied about how I felt when I had to decide if I could carry on with our allotments. I actually found them a great comfort and excellent therapy. So make no decisions as yet and then give it a go if you can manage on your own or perhaps someone could go with you. We used to camp but there is no way I would want to do that now. I think you will know eventually if you can cope or not. I see how I feel and go from there. Best of luck Pat xxx

Dear Pat

I love your story about the bees. I love bees too - the edges of our patio are surrounded by beautiful purple campanula and that attracts the bees. It is a bit wild but it is such a beautiful colour I am happy to leave it. I will have to talk to them when I am out there. Not today though it has rained heavily all day. We have a robin that would sit very close when we were clearing the back of the garden. He disappeared for a long time but we have a robin back now.

If the holiday apartment was only an hour away I may be thinking differently but it is the thought of a four hour drive on my own. Not that I mind driving but it is a bit of a marathon on your own. But Gary so loved it - he called it his penthouse (I am more modest and call it the flat). We have beautiful sea views from all the windows bar the kitchen - which looks out over the town and the harbour and in the distance the tors of Dartmoor. We just let family and friends use it when they want to get away as we have always loved it too much to rent out. I will try and see how I get on - and will sort out a visit when I can. The couple we bought it from have become friends - and she has popped in to make sure it is all OK until we can get there.

I write in a journal every night - that was something that was suggested on the forum and that helps. I doubt I would ever be able to read it back as it becomes such a scribble. And I talk all the time to him. Just cried my eyes out shredding some old paperwork - stuff that I had sorted out ages ago but was sitting in a bag - His name on so many letters and statements was enough and I felt so wrong shredding it - how daft is that - but I fear I am somewhat irrational at the moment.

We had an enormous fox in the garden today - which explains the odd hole that has been burrowed under the pampas grass. I know they are supposed to be vermin but they are so beautiful I am happy to leave him there. I think he is only visiting.

So grateful for your reply - it means a lot. Sending you a big hug.

Take care

Trisha xx

In reply to TrishaF

Getting rid of stuff was the hardest thing. How I cried. One of Brian's hobbies was photography and he had literally what must have been thousands of photo's. I have had to get rid of them, or at least most of them. I took them to the allotment and burned them along with all the paperwork. Brian got rid of nothing and had twenty years of bank statements, letters, pay slips. In the loft was old paperwork from before we married thirty years ago. I felt as if I was burning his past and felt so guilty.
Rained here all day also. We get so little rain we allotment owners love a day of rain though, but I haven't managed to get warm.
Take care of that Robin it could mean something. It certainly does to me.
Yes Bee's love the colour blue. They can see blue but not always other colours, or so I am told. At the allotment we grow a lot of blue flowers to encourage bee's.

Yes, don't rush in making a decision about the holiday 'penthouse'. It's such a big decision. Perhaps letting it as a holiday let for a while might be the answer. I agree about driving. I don't think I could drive a distance at the moment. I am just getting used to driving again but stay local. Ridiculous as I have been driving for years but confidence seems to be limited. Or just can't be bothered.
God bless Pat xxxx

In reply to TrishaF

Hi Trisha
I know what you mean about getting back to normal. I’m still off work too but have started thinking about going back. I worry the longer I’m off the harder it will be but also I worry about having a meltdown. Seems this grief keeps us on our toes and is so unpredictable. I’ve been thinking a lot today about the caravan while I did a huge pile of ironing and I think I might go for the day and just see how it goes. Everyone is right though I don’t need to decide just yet. We had paid our fees for the year back in January.
Thanks for your help and sending hugs x

Thank you for your reply - I am sorry not to have replied back to you sooner. I think grief has left me unable to make a decision - I am not usually a ditherer but if I believe anything is going to cause me concern I just bury my head in the sand.
I have a list of things I need to tackle on the phone tomorrow - all are going to be difficult and I just want to run the other way. So if I can tick two of them off I will be pleased with myself.
I think you are very brave to face the caravan - but think you should go with someone and not on your own. As you say no decisions necessary yet for either of us. Let me know how you get on with everything.
Sending a hug back.
Trisha xx